Intimacy stopped after wedding

So my wife and I have been married for a little over a month. But we haven’t been intimate since two weeks before the wedding. We still kiss, hug, hold hands, say sweet things to each other etc... we just haven’t had intercourse for quite some time.

So now I’m left confused. She says things in my ears and promises. But when it actually comes time to do the act. It’s always “im nauseous”, “ I have a headache”, or “my back hurts”. Now obviously I wouldn’t even think of intercourse if I knew about her ailments. However she only mentions them when I make advances.

This had left me feeling unattractive and hurt. I try and stay confident and keep the romance alive. But it has become difficult to want to do these things when I feel the way I do.

It's possible she's still really stressed out after the wedding and hasn't returned to normal. It's also possible that she and you have different expectations of marriage and what getting married would mean. Perhaps she had certain unstated romantic or sexual expectations of your wedding and wedding night that were unmet, and is boiling in a quiet rage about it just like you are. Have you tried talking about it? Have you discussed why you weren't intimate on your wedding night?

That's definitely strange. I would talk to her about it and try to have a candid conversation.

You two are young right? I was thinking when women hit menopause, sex often stops being important.

Was sex life you two had satisfying for her? It could be it wasn’t satisfying so she’d rather not deal with it.

As others have said, something's going on, but the only way to figure out what is through open and honest conversation.

Is therapy an option? Couples and/or individual?

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Stuck1nhead! I COMPLETELY AGREE with what all the other wise and wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could! Definitely try to talk to your wife about ALL OF THIS and see how it goes from there! Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean! Just be honest and ask her if there's anything wrong! Hopefully she'll be honest as well and tell you the truth! You can always go to couple counselling if it's necessary! There ARE options and it'd be a shame if your sexual activity already stopped at the beginning of your marriage! I hope you'll be able to talk thhing throughout with her and to solve things with her! Sending many AWESOME, kind, safe, sweet, warm, wise and WONDERFUL HUGS TO BOTH OF YOU, STUCK1NHEAD, JUST LIKE YOU BOTH ARE! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS TRUE AND YOU BOTH KNOW THAT AS WELL EVEN IF IT'S DEEP DOWN INSIDE YOU! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT AND REMEMBER THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!

It seems like all I do is have open conversations about what’s going on with her. No matter what I do though to help she’s always hurting or upset in someway. Even though she often says she is happier. I’ll try and talk to her after work

It's probably something emotional going on within her. This is the same woman you told us you were only marrying because she wanted to get married? Perhaps she senses something?

You mentioned in previous posts that she seems always happy. Is she getting any help with this? Is it something due to mental health issue or just not satisfied with some areas of her life? Work? School? Family? If she feels stressed and unhappy I’d say sex is certainly not on her mind. Hugs

At this rate the marriage is on, sounds like heading towards a legal annulment due to not consomating the marriage.
In this day and age, I cannot imagine. Sorry that you're going through this. But if communication has happened and nothing changes her outlook, why, might I ask, did she get married? Not that that is the main reason for getting married but it sure does help.

Yes this is the same woman whom Im married because it’s what she wanted. But I’m genuinely happy I married her and have made that clear to her.

She says she is happier than usual. She’s always been a obsessive stressor. Ever since I met her she’s always obsessed over something bad no matter how far off or unlikely it is.

I wonder if she could be obsessing over something bad related to sex. How would she feel, for example, if she were to become pregnant?

She loves the thought of being pregnant

That’s really interesting.

That makes it further unusual that she isn’t willing to participate.

It doesn't add up. She's happy and wants to be pregnant. Her reasons sound like excuses to me. How was your sex life before this?

I wonder what would happen if you invited your wife to sit down with you and watch this Ted Talk? The presenter is a woman who helps couples to maintain sexuality and intimacy in their marriages. She makes some excellent points and suggestions. I have a hunch that if your wife is willing to sit and watch the whole thing with you, a light may go on in her mind about how problematic it is to marry someone and deny them sex. Though it's not a negative or unpleasant Ted Talk by any means. I highly recommend it.

The sex-starved marriage | Michele Weiner-Davis | TEDxCU

I also want to say that what your wife is doing is untenable. The only way in which this would be reasonable is if, when you asked her to marry you, she said something like "Yes I will marry you but I need our marriage to be sexless. I don't like sex and don't want it to be part of my life." And then you agreed to that because you didn't want sex either. That obviously is not the case.

She did not say that. And she married someone who enjoys sex therefore something needs to change here. I don't think she's being honest with you or with herself about the zero sex. All I can do is speculate that she either was victimized sexually in her past so now sex is traumatic for her or she has zero sexual desire or she is having sex with someone else. I have no idea. I don't know her but this is a serious problem. Her refusal to discuss it is very disrespectful to you.

Either way, she needs to take ownership for her decisions as an adult who married a sexual partner. I think you may have posted about the sexual issue before? Do I have that right? I think you need to be more candid and proactive at this point. Something like: "I love you. And I am a sexual person therefore I want to share my sexuality with you. For me, marriage involves a sexual relationship. You did not tell me in advance that our marriage would be sexless. You did not ask if I was willing to have a sexless marriage. That is not okay. I don't know what the reason is because you will not tell me. I feel lonely and disconnected from you. It's time to stop making excuses and have an honest and open conversation about why you do not want sex. I am not willing to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of my life. This is not okay so we need to figure out our options here."

So sorry you are going through this. I think it is time to be proactive. Your present does not have to be your future

I meant she isn’t happy, not that she is

Can you afford to have children? Is she on birth control? You previously mentioned both of you not having source of income and having to live with relatives. Does any of you work? I’d not want sex if I have no means to support myself as I’d be too stressed. Saying that, maybe things changed?

No we can’t afford children yet. But we both have been working full time since a couple weeks ago. Our plan is to have kids in a year or whenever we are financially stable enough. The only form of birth control we use are condoms. We’ve tried hormonal birth control but the side effects were wreaking havoc on her mental health. I wanted her to try the copper IUD since there are no hormones. But she won’t have any of it. Which a part of me thinks she likes the higher risk of being pregnant solely relying on condoms.

Our sex life has been mediocre at best. Maybe three or four times a month. Which I have always raised issue with. But there was something always stressful going on. Mom having breast cancer, college exams, financial trouble, etc... So I was very understanding in the moment. However things have been relatively calm the past few months. Which is when I started to realize our sex life isn’t getting better.

Honestly she complains that she has been having baby fever really bad ever since we got married. Being a man I cannot fully understand it. Part of me would think that she would be more willing to have sex. But another part says that might make her baby fever worse. So I don’t know

I’ll give it a watch before I present it to her