It seems to be happening again

Mine definitely progress and become more lopsided. I don’t want to be angry and blame the other people because I know I’m the one who needs to change this.

Ok. I’ll look for it.

I don’t talk about my “stuff” either with anyone anymore. I finally figured out that 99% of friendships are not for talking about issues. I finally came to PC to talk and work things out. I feel there is plenty of give and take here as well. And I’m also likely to get some honest advice which might even hurt my feelings sometimes but that’s the best advice sometimes... versus IRL friends have been known to either tell me what I want to hear or give me advice based on their own personal agenda.

Here’s an example of the lopsided, pushover stuff I do.

... a “friend” who doesn’t work outside the home would only make time to talk with me in the morning while I was heading into work.... Or she would talk in the evening when I needed to get ready for bed because I get up early for work....

...She never, ever had time to talk on the weekends. Never. Which is the only time I have because I work all week. One time I called her on a Saturday in tears over a sad event... I called a few times and she was sending my calls to voice mail. So I texted her and told her I was hurt that she wasn’t there when I needed her... yet I made a lot of time for her.

...She said she had been busy washing her car...And that friendships aren’t about keeping tabs on who is there for the other the most.

She’s right about that. Friendships aren’t about keeping tabs. But the friendship with her died when I stopped accommodating her.

I was an idiot. Never again. No more friendships like that ever again.

I don't know if this is thread-appropriate Sisabel but I just opened some dark chocolate. Delicious. If you were here, I'd share with you and listen to your truth. Peace to you

Anger is healthy, yes. It's a guide...listen to it. I have family members (far away) who only contact me when the time difference suits them....never mind if I'm in the middle of my day. Now I've just stopped responding. (Time difference not our only problem....abuse) Doesn't feel great but I'm working on putting myself first. I recommend that you do the same. That wasn't a good friend but more of a patient really. She wanted you to be her unpaid doctor or therapist. Been there.

I am so sorry you've had these experiences. You are NOT an idiot. Trust me!

I love dark chocolate!

You’re exactly right. Thank you for reading that. I didn’t mean to post such a long post. I edited it to make it shorter but you were kind to read and respond to the whole thing.

I've read longer!!! As long as there are paragraphs, I'm good. Long and no paragraphs and I feel I may get a migraine. Hahaha.

You are good Sisabel. You don't need to apologize. You are good. You deserve goodness. Not having found it does not mean you don't deserve it.

I really think you may be closer to peace than you realize. I wish for you several wonderful, kind friends who appreciate you as you are.

My mouth is hanging open at this: She said she had been busy washing her car...And that friendships aren’t about keeping tabs on who is there for the other the most.

That's brutal. I am just shaking my head.

The washing the car thing has really stuck in my mind. It was at that point I joined PC and I started pulling away from people IRL.

Thank you and I hope the same is true for you. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling depressed lately.

I am confused by the 3000 thread. The problem is I only use PC on my phone and I must be missing a lot of stuff so I’ll need to pull the computer out.

I hear you. I am sorry she was so cruel to you.

What happened? Did you miss some posts? We're up to #12 now I think. I can also send them to you separately. Idk how it looks on the phone. Keep me posted.

Sisabel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Seems to me that blaming either yourself or other people is counter-productive.
We all sometimes need other people to be a certain way to fit our needs, huh!? And they often don't fit our needs exactly.

I wonder if sometimes it's doing therapy that makes people unhappy because they expect so much from other human beings. To me life is a huge messy goldfish bowl of personalities. It's a jungle where sometimes I find food and sometimes I find tigers. Unpredictable.

I work more on acceptance and on my reactions to other people than on obsessing about my needs. Yes assertiveness is also something that I need to work on a lot. I just don't think therapy is a good model for friendship. So far as I can see friendship is a whole lot more random than the therapy hour.

I get all the nasties that people report here on PC. I got a huge nasty from someone yesterday, but I also got angry with another person when if I wasn't so tired I would have been calmer.

When I step back from my reactions, even the worst nasties can be explainable by other people's overloaded and stressful lives. Still freaks me out and makes me shake all over BUT I find total strangers out there in the world who love to laugh and be companionable.

I think like Happy Crafter says, the way forward for me is to share pleasurable things as much as I can. That gives me and other people the opportunity to balance out our reactions to unpleasant experiences.

Preach sister - laughing at myself - I woke up with "ants" in my head and now I hear myself "preaching". Sigh!

Actually, by writing this I've helped my own self to calm down and appreciate the good stuff . I'm moving home on Wednesday!

Saidso

Maybe you ARE a good listener and are empathetic, so those who need and want an ear are prone to being attracted to you?

I have learned to set limits on the support I can provide, OR I change the subject making it clear that I don't want to engage in that topic, OR I simply exit politely and say I need to take care of something else.

People will talk your ear off as long as you allow them to....

so, when it happens, it's good practice to set limits and either state indirectly or directly that you don't wish to talk about it at length.

I have a very close girlfriend who used to do that to me, whenever I started to go down the path of talking endlessly about this toxic boyfriend or that toxic boyfriend, and whatever relationship turmoil I was in at the time. She knew how to handle it very well! She would give me validation and her compassion, she would give me five or so minutes of her time and attention, then she would cut the conversation short and would tell me she needed to go..... so, she set limits with me, and I didn't even realize it until years later that that's what she was doing, lol.

Preach sister - laughing at myself - I woke up with "ants" in my head and now I hear myself "preaching". Sigh!



Actually, by writing this I've helped my own self to calm down and appreciate the good stuff . I'm moving home on Wednesday!


Saidso[/QUOTE]

I’m glad this conversation helped you too. That’s what I love about PC. We can join the conversations we choose. We can say a lot or we can say a little. Preach away sister! I really appreciate it. Best of luck with your move.

Oh good grief. I tried to cut and paste some stuff. Mainly the quotes that I responded to and I’ve made a mess of this thread. Ugh.

@Sisabel, it looks like your response to my post got cut off somehow... maybe it's another tech glitch.

So here’s an idea I have for setting limits and giving myself space. When I find myself frustrated, I can take time away from the person. Maybe just a few days or maybe a few weeks. I’ll need to remember that my red flag is my own frustration and irritation. That’s my cue to retreat for a bit.

No. I’m the glitch. Lol. I was trying to cut and paste specific parts to your post.

That's a great idea. I am doing that with a long-time gf who overstepped the boundaries with me... I am avoiding her for a while now instead!

Space always can help. Setting limits during the conversation is also a good idea... just sayin'.

Lol... awwwww

This is a very good idea also for me. It's really important to recognize that one's red flags are often how one feels and does not necessitate figuring out another persons intentions. It's about respecting one's own boundaries. I am also getting better at limiting certain types of conversations.

I find it is hard to change a pattern in a friendship once that pattern has been established. It is easier to set limits up front.