Friendships... Groups and Being Left Out

I met this group of women and men through my music scene just this last year.

Well, a a whole gang of these women got together yesterday, and I wasn't included or invited.

My husband saw the pics on Facebook, and commented that I wasn't invited.

I don't really care that much and it doesn't bother ME, but it seemed to bother him enough to comment on it. He is one who wants to and needs to be part of the "crowd".

But now I am upset and wonder why wasn't I invited? Do they not like me?

And it brought me right back to high school, where I felt excluded from the "cool" and the "in" crowd.

Now I feel awful. Had he not said anything, I would not have thought twice about it.

I've never had a large group of friends. I have loads of friends, but very scattered and from different groups. I've never been part of a "group".

It just brought back old adolescent feelings and I feel ashamed for even feeling that way.

Wish he had never even said anything! Then I felt I had to defend myself and explain how I feel.

And the bottom line is: I don't know these women that well... I haven't hung out with them that much, and I see them infrequently..... so why would I be invited?

Now I'm just bummed out and feel like I'm 16 all over again.

To top it off, I've had a LOT of trouble getting together with many of my own friends over the last year, and it makes me very sad.

I feel the exact same way as you do in many regards to some aspects of my former social life. Surprisingly, the "cliquey" vibe that is stereotypical of quite a few high school students seemed to be the case with many social groups at my uni where I just completed undergrad and grad school. Would I repeat the whole 6 years of this uni if I had the choice? Sure, the quirky traditions made my school charming and unique. But the social life? No stinkin way man.

I agree that when people tend to pitch in and give their two cents about a situation (as is typical with my parents), and sometimes frame it as fact that it makes us feel worse. But your feelings about the situation on both sides are valid and understandable. In the media age where literally thousands of people can populate a person's page, it's become hard to even pull someone's name up in a friend list. But I can also understand too that the flip-side of the situation is also possible. True friends though, will never see you as just a cluster of superficial fleeting characteristics (whose hot? whose not? how many fb friends can I handle), nor will they exclude you without clear communication. For me a rule of thumb is if awkwardness ensues even when you're catching up with a friend, they may not be the best person to keep a close personal relationship with.

As for not being part of a "group" it's ok to go through periods where life is like that. In a way I admire people like yourself because being confined to a group can often leave you in a box! Of course it's not always like that but this is what I have learned from leaving many of the "cliquey" groups I mentioned at the beginning.

How disencouraging that you are dealing with the absence of real friends on top of what you're already facing! But the truth is you are never alone in what you are experiencing! When I have left a lot of my crummy situations I had in college, I had a blank slate for awhile, with no one to talk to or share my problems with, especially when many of my more permanent friends left my town, leaving behind my less than desirable "friends". But as soon as I reconnected with my best friend who lives 90 miles away, this seemed to open up a new level of friendship that I never experienced when I was overwhelmed with social obligations before. At the same time, when I did the same with my closest relationships from early on, it also allowed me to reconnect with many of my old friends I have had almost since the very beginning, many of them who I have seen in recent times. Enough of my experience though, the takeaway from my last point is never give up in seeking true relationships! You will be rewarded for seeking quality over quantity in your true friendships!

Be hugged and be blessed! :hug

Thank you @DazedandConfused254! I appreciate your thoughtful reply.

I keep trying to see my own friends, and they are too busy traveling or being sick, or visiting their mother..... it's been really hard to see my friends over the last year, but it's not without effort. I do talk to them on the phone though, which helps.

I guess I am just feeling a bit lonely lately.

@golden_eve

I feel sad when I am left out like this. It does bother me. I admit it. It happens though. I am sure nobody meant to hurt your feelings of course. But you always wonder why nobody thought to include you. I have never been part of a big group either.

I have noticed at work there is a click and the odd thing is that this group of friends is starting to act, dress and wear their hair and makeup alike. It’s weird to me. So I guess that’s why we aren’t part of a big group? We like to do our own thing?

The flip side of being independent is sometimes you will feel lonely and left out. But you never feel so lonely and left out that you choose to follow the crowd...

@Sisabel, I hear you.... I walk a lonely road a lot of the time too. I am not part of the crowd at work (I am older and they are all young). I choose to be this way in part though. I don't mind it normally, until my husband pointed out that I wasn't invited... and then it bothered me! lol. Go figure. ((((((hugs)))))))) I feel it's better to be independent than a sheep or a follower.

Yes I am the same. Usually I am ok with it but every now and then it gets to me. Especially when I see that I was left out like you did. That would have bothered me too.

The reason you get the adolescent feelings is because people are in fact acting like adolescents, forming cliques. I can feel the "cliquey aura" sometimes, when I walk into a social circle.

That's why people try desperately to fit in and maintain their status. But I'd rather stay true to myself, and do what is comfortable for me. And that's mostly possible in real but scattered friendships. "Groups" tend to get cliquey for whatever reason.

I’d much rather stay true to myself too! TY!

Same here!

I am sorry. It doesn’t feel good.

For the sake of understanding situation better and maybe seeking a solution I have a question: is this the same crowd you didn’t want to attend bridal shower with? Because they are much younger, you don’t know them well, you don’t really like them that much? Did you end up going? If not, it could be they thought you don’t want to be part of girl group? If you are invited and don’t want to go up to the point of getting upset over it, then why being not invited upsets you too? Could it be that they don’t invite you because they sense you don’t particularly want closeness of friendships with them?

Have you made any steps to connect with them? Demonstrate wanting their company? Do you want to hang out with them? Or deep inside you don’t, but still feel hurt being slighted (we all have confusing feeling at times)

You don’t have to answer, maybe just food for thought.

Not the same group. This group is more my age. It would have been nice to be invited.

Oh I see. My bad. Could you find some ways to let them know you are interested in joining them if they do something? They might not know you’d like to hang out? I am trying to see what actions you can take if you want to be involved.

I definitely could say something to one of them, yes, and let them know. I was thinking the same thing. I probably will say something next time I bump into them.

Since you aren't generally that active with them, it was probably just an oversight. Might try something like this: Make a positive comment about their pictures/outing on Facebook. Maybe . . ."Looks like a great time had by all. Let me know next time you get together. I'd love to catch up with you." I really don't think that kind of comment would be taken as offensive or rude. I have various groups of old friends and sometimes the get togethers are rather quickly put together/impromptu/informal, and it isn't a matter of trying to exclude anyone as much as just the nature of the informality or quickness of it all.

Thank you! That’s a great suggestion!!

Please NEVER feel ashamed about you feelings, golden_eve! I understand why you'd feel hurt. It is normal to be disappointed when we know that other people didn't invite us to a social event even if we don't particularly like those people. It makes us feel like there's something wrong with us. Of course that's not the case. I agree with all the other wise posters about asking about it next time if you want to join them. As for now, try not to think too much about it. Perhaps they didn't have bad intentions. You can always try to join their next reunion. Keep fighting! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, golden_eve, and to ALL the people you Love and who truly Love you!

Thank you Mickey, I appreciate it!

I'm not as bothered now about it as I was initially. I'm sure it wasn't intentional. I will just ask next time, I think! TY!

I know how you feel. I'd like to think I am past this but then it happened with my neighbor, who used to invite me out with her friends and family. We were really close and she is my hair stylist. I know in years past I sort of ghost people in the winter when the BPII flares up and winter sucks but she always said she understood. I took it personally and last time she did my hair (recently, gotta keep up with the purple!) I sort of asked-without-asking how things were and was sort of on a fishing expedition to figure out if it was me. Well it wasn't. She has had some family strife that I was unaware about and has sort of pulled back from a lot of friends. Now, this is different than your situation for sure because you say these women are more like group friends or aquaintances. *(sp). Would you be comfortable calling one of them and saying something like "Lets all get together for drinks at xyz and catch up" Or " I saw that you all got together for xyz, how was it?" You may not be comfortable going that far but maybe they didn't even give it another thought? Or assumed you were in newlywed bliss? The downside is maybe they are mean, cliquey girls and in that case you have to decide if its worth it for you. Do not feel bad going back to the teen years in your head. We think we are mature and then something petty and teenager-ish happens so its ok that we feel it that way.

Thanks Sarah!

Yeah, I may just casually say to one of the women, hey next time you ladies all get together, please count me in. I may not bring up the fact that I saw them on Facebook, but then again, she may wonder what I'm talking about so I may have to reference it.

These women certainly aren't petty or mean. One of them is new to the scene, and it's possible that she's the one who organized it, though I really have no idea.

You're so welcome! The last thing I want you to do is beat yourself up for feeling lonely. I am going through a similar phase in life right now while I am questioning things in life that I previously enjoyed and re-evaluating the authenticity of my relationships. This is a very understandable and relatable feeling! It's only one of many hues of the emotion palette that we experience.

I dig the idea of reaching out on a SM account mentioning something like "that looks like fun...let's get together for lunch soon" - because I think that is also a good measure of the meaningfulness of a relationship. Life is too short to spread ourselves thin being "social" or reaching out to people who won't return your affection. As with many good things in life, like your friendships, start small - take baby steps! Don't give up on the journey to reinforce existing friendships as well as seeking others who share your interests!

And thank you so much ennie for this wonderful post also. This is exactly the problem I have had trying to give into advice by some of my closer family such as "just look for a new group" (when I am still recovering from previous social wounds). In my experience it has just been fruitless to join new groups because of the intrisic fear of breaking traditions or social norms by introducing newbies. If large social groups aren't a specialty like they have seemed to be in my own experience, then it's no sweat. You do you!