[shyBoldgirl88]

Hello. So need a little advice....and need to vent. After 3 years of being with my boyfriend who is totally against cheating...I found out he has been using the massaging app KIK to sext randoms. Only reason I found out is because he left his phone randomly on and I went on the app. The messages are really bad. Very explicit and hurtful. I lost my breath reading them. Nowww I'm left with wondering if I should I be with him. He broke down and cried when I confronted him about. He agreed he is wrong...and says "it'll never happen again." I know he didn't actually meet any of them BUT how we met was through a dating app so....ya. It's supposley been going about a week. But I really don't know if I can trust him anymore.

[Rose76]

Actually, you do know that you can't. I'm not saying to dump him over this, but he's got a problem. He is turning to cyberspace as the place to run to for meeting emotional needs. He needs to have more going on IRL. This guy has too much idle time on his hands.

[divine1966]

I am sorry you are struggling

I am sorry but this guy is a total loser, didn’t work in 2018 and doesn’t work in 2019 (maybe he has jobs in between don’t know), how does he pay child support if he doesn’t ever work? He lives off you and his parents, he is abusive, yelling at you and calling you names and threw stuff at you. And in all these years he wouldn’t even say he loves you.

Now this “catch” is also apparently a cheater. His own mother knows he is a terrible relationship material.

Nope you certainly can’t trust him and you shouldn’t because he is a cheater. Why would you trust him?

Check yourself for STDs. You don’t know if he met them or not. And if not, he likely will in the future. I recommend to completely refrain from sex at this point. It’s unsafe

Do you see a therapist? I’d look into your reasoning behind staying with this guy

[Bill3]

They usually get all apologetic when caught. That’s temporary.

Be very skeptical about the claim that it will never happen again.

Why stay with him?

[sarahsweets]

No way would I put up with this. I do not know your history with this guy but he sounds like a jerk.

I'd dump him. I know that's easier said than done. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

When they say "I'll never do it again" what they really mean is they'll make sure they don't get caught again. This man's behavior tells you that he's a cheater AND a liar. He had said he's against cheating, then he does cheat. It doesn't matter if he didn't get together with them. Like your title says, "sexting is cheating". He's a liar. I would dump him.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry that you're going through ALL of this, shyBoldGirl88 I agree with Rose76 and divine1966 and all the wise posters that he doesn't seem trustworthy. You may want to SERIOUSLY reconsider this relationship or at the very least go to couple counselling although honestly the problems is mostly with him, not you. I also agree with divine1966 about seeing a therapist for yourself if you keep falling for this kind of guy. Whathever you decide please take care of yourself and think of yourself and of what YOU need as well. You are important and you matter Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, shuBoldGirl88!

[WishfulThinker66]

You bet this is cheating! I let this go on far too long in my previous relationships. I finally dumped them. This time around I have been firm that there exists a boundary here. I absolutely will not tolerate it. If I find out it has happened he will be shown the door - no 'buts' allowed. It's done. The deal is off.

[Rose76]

Having just looked over your other threads, I see that you are in a way worse situation than I had even begun to appreciate. I'm very sorry for you. You sound like a decent young woman who would be a wonderful mate to a decent young man. But that's not what you are giving yourself an opportunity to get.

Because you are warm and loving, you can find and value some humanity in even the worst of men. And that's pretty much what your boyfriend represents. A loving heart can take some satisfaction in practicing the art of love, even towards a partner who doesn't deserve it. Many of us are totally capable of falling in love with someone who does not requite our love and has zero capability of building a satisfying relationship with us. (I hold up my hand for that one.) We can even derive a modicum of satisfaction in being with such a person, as you are indeed doing. This relationship has value to you, so you are holding on to it. In your mind, It's better than the alternative of going back to being alone.

You are not going to dump this guy on account of what the posters to this thread tell you. A thousand of us can come on here and sing out, in chorus, for you to unload this jerk who is using you . . . and what we say won't matter. So I'm not going to tell you to break up with him. I absolutely know in my soul that you will continue being unhappy, while you stay with him. He's not going to change. He's a person incapable of offering you what you need from a partner. (The reasons for why he is that way may not even be his fault, but that doesn't matter. The guy is bad news. End of story.) You, however, can not make a decision based on what I know. I can't promise you that, if you leave him, a better man will come along to love you, and you will be happy.

I'm not going to ask you to stop loving this guy. I am going to ask you to stop believing a bunch of B.S. just because it's what you want to believe. You are allowing yourself to be deceived because you want to take refuge in a fantasy. So he told you that he is "totally opposed to cheating," and you assumed that means he is totally opposed to cheating. What guy is going to come along and admit, "I like to engage in a bit of cheating here and there." I used to work in a jail. Most of the inmates were "totally opposed" to crime. Most thieves are "totally opposed" to stealing. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Get your head up out of the sand. You long ago made a choice that you would let others feed you their version of what constitutes the truth. You relinquished your right and responsibility to figure out for yourself what is true. You decided it causes you to much anxiety to do that. (Like when his mother offered you some valuable insight into his character. She upset you by disturbing your fantasy.) You don't want to be upset. You think being in love means believing what the guy you love tell you. This is cowardly and a phoney way to live. You are not an unintelligent young woman. You are capable of figuring things out. Three years is a lot of time to spend with a guy and still understand so little about who he is. You are running from knowing what is true. In life, there is a price for doing that. You're not going to like paying it.

The man you love is not this guy who moved into your house. The man you love is a fantasy you invented in your mind. Children retreat to fantasy when reality is too hard to bear. I suspect you have come up through some very hard circumstances, even aside from your involvement with this guy. But, when you use the defense mechanism of a child to cope with the challenges of being an adult, you are guaranteeing yourself a miserable life.

If you want to love a jerk, go ahead and love a jerk. That alone won't ruin your life completely. But stop telling yourself that he's really not a jerk. Stop confusing yourself with all this psycho-babble about how he's got this issue and that issue. "Poor guy. His last girlfriend cheated on him. Poor guy. He just can't trust." I'm not without compassion for this young man. I don't doubt that he was long ago the victim of something pretty bad. Maybe his dad was a horrible role model. He is damaged, and that's sad. Nobody gets to be this big of a loser all on his own. Someone failed him. If you, now, want to try and make up to him all that life didn't give him, go ahead and knock yourself out. But accept that he is who he is. He is a permanently, badly damaged human being who is incapable of not continuing to stumble through life as the jerk that he is. What you want from him he doesn't have to give.

[metalchick]

This "man" is only bringing you down. Your life has not been very happy since you've met him. I get why you are trying to hold on...he is the one person in your life that you have left. But there is hope out there. There are good people out there, he drives them all away from you. 3 years is usually when the honeymoon is over and you start to see the real person. A person looking to cheat on you is unacceptable. Dont believe a word he says...he only talked to them for a week...yeah right. He is just trying to back peddle and save his butt. You do way more for him than most people would do. You owe him nothing. He was the main reason of you losing your house, your job, and your happiness. If his mom warns you about him...you should really heed her warning. You never know when he is going to snap.

I hope you are getting back on your feet. Is there somewhere you can go for protection? A womans shelter maybe or a church, can you see a therapist or a counselor or go to a group therapy? How about getting out there for a support system? Make new friends who understand your predicament. Good luck to you...I am always here if you need to talk.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi! Welcome to PC!

I hope you will find the information and the support you maybe seeking.

So glad you have joined in.

My advice on your relationship?

I'd seriously consider calling an end to the relationship. In my experience, guys who do this will continue. They are just sorry they have gotten caught!
They are "under-handed"and will continue to operate as such, it is ingrained in their personality!

I agree with the above posters about much! I truly agree with the poster mentioning sex with this guy might be dangerous and you should reconsider having sexual relations with him forever... Or at least until there is much more clarification and, hopefully, involvement of a good therapist.

Please consider getting a therapist for yourself. I truly think you will benefit from the support and any additional input/insights! You deserve this!

Best wishes with whatever you decide!