[jaymoq]

I am needing some insight and feedback regarding a communication conflict I am having with my partner. I think that if we can get to a common ground, we will stop this petty bickering and arguing over the littlest things. I would hate for this relationship to end because we communicate differently.

He is the type to avoid conflict. He doesn't like to talk things through, he believes in worrying about things as they go wrong, and generally keeping to himself and remaining independent. He will use terms like "that's my business" or "I want to be my own individual". He asks for space and time alone.

I tackle conflict head on and want to talk everything through. With my anxiety, I do have a habit of over-analyzing and trying to prevent things from going wrong. That "what-if" scenario. I am very much an affectionate, want-to-be-together person and 'clingy' at times. I do want to be my own individual, but I also want to be a unit, a partnership, a 'couple'. I take it personally when he wants to keep things from me and separate his life from our life.

I know I need to work on not reacting and becoming so upset and feeling rejected when he doesn't want me to be fully immersed in his life. I get he wants to be independent and have 'his' things. He grew up in a family that really had no accountability. Stay out til dark, just be in school the next day childhood. I grew up in a household where I wasn't even allowed to have a door on my bedroom because of how strict the supervision was.

I think that if we can meet in the middle, we would be able to work through these little arguments. They usually stem from him wanting to be alone, have 'me-time', keep to himself, etc. and me wanting to be with him, talk about something, do something. I am a go, do, act. He is a think, process, consider if action is warranted.

And of course, the more he pulls away, the more insecure I get and the more I want him to be with me. It's a cycle. I get that these are kind of tell-tale personalities for women and men. Men grow fond of their partner through absence and women grow fond of their partner through presence. Men are action-focused, women are talk-focused. If I can't talk something through, I feel frustrated. If we just 'stop' a discussion because he is frustrated, I feel like it never gets resolved. But he gets frustrated that we have to talk about everything. He also feels suffocated sometimes when I just won't let something go.

We are scheduled to see a couples counselor, which he agreed to. We are kind of both so stuck in our ways I wanted to get outside opinions and ideas. I'm also reading a few books on communication.

Can polar opposite communication styles work? I know I need to relax and let him come to me in his own time, but what if he never does? I get so caught up in the fact he'll spend hours in the house and won't even say a word to me. It hurts my feelings. It isn't personal. I know that. He's not a chatty Kathy like me. Lol. But, still, it hurts my feelings. Just like my questions for him and talking incessantly bothers him and frustrates him.

I turn to you, oh wise ones, for insight and advice. We are both willing to come to a compromise, but I think we're so deep in our habits we need some guidance.

[MickeyCheeky]

I understand what you mean, @jaymoq! Personally I DO believe Communication is still possible between you two. I'd say that the problem is whether you BOTH TRULY want to reach out to a compromise. It is possible but the fact that he NEVER wants to talk things over makes things rather complicated. How can you talk about compromise if you don't, well talk first? I feel like that's something important to address! I'm REALLY HAPPY that you're turning to a Couple Counsellor to solve these issues! Hopefully that will help A LOT. I'm so sorry I don't have anything insightful to add I do believe it can be worked on so please NEVER give up hope. I'm also a little bit worried from the fact that he'd spend hours without talking to you. I can understand wanting your own space but isn't that a little bit too much? That's just my opinion though. I hope you'll BOTH be able to work on this as Communication is FUNDAMENTAL IN EVERY RELATIONSHIP! Keep us posted and let us know how things are going for you BOTH. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need Advice and Support. Sending many AWESOME, caring, kind, safe, sweet, warm and WONDERFUL HUGS TO BOTH YOU AND HIM, JAYMOG, MY DEAR, SWEET FRIEND! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!

[jaymoq]

Thanks so much MickeyCheeky. That's kind of where I get stuck -- I over communicate. He under communicates. So if I go to him and try to initiate the conversation, then its going to just feel like before. I've tried asking him to write his ideas down and he hasn't done that. He also isn't the best about telling me when something *does* irritate him, so I could just go about my day and not know that my asking if he locked the door irritated him because he felt I didn't 'trust' him.

He used to be great about communication but I think over the months and years, he has started to feel like my constant talking and questions and trying to really engage in conversation has been overwhelming. And I feel like his drawing away has been underwhelming.

I just need for him to be open and honest with me, but I also know that I need to get better on how I respond and react when he is being honest. Even if it hurts my feelings or I don't agree with it, I need to respect his boundaries better too.

[~Christina]

I’m glad your going to couples counseling, that’s a big step and should be proof to you that he is invested in your relationship fully.

I’m my marriage I am the one that needs alone time. It has taken time for my husband to understand that yes sometimes there is a reason I need it due to a disagreement or whatever but more often it’s my Bipolar.

Some days I just get wrapped up in my own head.

I also hate having a confrontation when we have very different opinions about a situation. This is where Therapy is going to help you as a couple, but because you struggle with being needy clingy and wondering if things will work out and being overly chatty when he needs his time.

. I think it would be wise also to see a Therapist on your own to work on your self , self esteem and self worth along with learning to self soothe on your own.

I’m sure with hard work you will both find a better understanding about each other and have a healthier relationship.

[jaymoq]

Thank you Christina. I totally get wanting to be alone. It just sometimes feel like that is the constant state we’re in. I also have bipolar disorder so know how moods can fluctuate. Sometimes I too want to be alone. But if I don’t actively ask for his attention, he won’t give me any.

Today, I didn’t ask for any. To see how long we’d go without interacting. I have gotten nothing. Not even a minute. He has been in another room or outside the entire day. He has not said hello. He hasn’t spoken to me. When he sat down inside he just called his dog on to his lap and loved on her. I made us dinner and he said thank you when he ate it. Now he is across the room from me as I type this.... on his laptop. Not talking. Not engaging.

It’s times like these I don’t know what to do. I want to say “What is going on?” But I know he’ll only get upset. I know if I try to interact with him, he usually just gets up and goes in to the other room.

When I say clingy I mean, even giving me an hour of time is like pulling teeth. The only time he seems happy With me is when we’re watching tv or going out to eat or otherwise distracted and not talking.

I work full time, he works 5-10 hours a week and is on disability.I get maybe 2-3 hours of time with him on weekdays when I’m working. I just happened to have today off because I had a doctors appointment. So what I can’t understand is how 2-3 hours is too much. How having the house to himself most of the time isn’t enough.

Am I being selfish? I don’t know. It hurts my feelings. That he doesn’t seem to want to be around me. Interact with me. Talk. Play. Do anything. Except watch screens or eat food. Otherwise he is in his own world and I am sitting here feeling like I’m left out. The reason i am in a relationship is to share time and experiences with another person. I feel like I’m not doing that right now.

He says he loves me. That he wants to make me happy. But what if making me happy is spending time with me? Which doesn’t seem to make him happy.

Sorry guys. Feeling low tonight. I have been reading couples books and trying to be quiet and not talk and not say anything that could be interpreted as condescending or controlling (which he says I am).

I just don’t know how I can later tonight to lay in a bed with a man who hasn’t talked to me at all. And I don’t even know it’s intentional. He’s probably not even thinking about me at all. And this has nothing to do with me. But I just feel alone. And I know I can go make friends and I can go out. But that’s not what I want. I want my friend to be my partner. I want to be able to do those things with them. Yknow?