parents taking advantage

Hey, i’m 18 years old, I live with my parents and occasionally stay at my girlfriends house. I have a cat that I try to get back to as much as I can (he lives in my room) and 2 brothers and sisters that I try to talk to occasionally. Since I’ve turned 16, I immediately got the closes job I could and I began to give my parents around 400$ out of my 500$ checks (basically 4/5 of all of my checks) and stay committed to school as much as possible. I’ve never given them lip about having my money because they allowed me to use their beat up old van to get to and from school and work, and they give me a roof over my head. We’ve been in serious financial disasters and literally live off of $800-$1,000 a month (keep in mind taking care of 4 kids and 3 adults plus a pretty expensive house that our grandparents pay for) and my parents seem to care very little about making actual money. my dad lives off disability, more or less milking the injury, and my mom is an alcoholic and is extremely bipolar on the anger side of it. as i turned 18, they became more and more disrespectful towards me (in terms of continuing to tell me no when i want to go somewhere, or arguing whenever i need money to do something). I became tired of it and began to fire back. i don’t cuss, i don’t do drugs, i graduated highschool and am going to college through financial aid, and they continue to tell me i’m ungrateful and they can’t be bothered to listen to me when I explain that i’m tired of paying for their habits. recently, my mom had to go to rehab at an attempt to slow or stop her alcoholic behaviors. she was soon release after 5 days and has since then started drinking as normal again. simply sending her to get help costed well over a thousand dollars, that they’re continuing to try to pull from my pockets. they make me feel bad for everything, and as much as I hate to play the victim, it’s the only defense I have against them. they have no idea how much people give to them, and I specifically feel bad for my dad for being stuck with my mom. he complains all of the time about her, but once again, nothing changes. I’ve been kicked out once already for an argument but they basically begged me to come back and made me feel bad through comments similar to “the grass is greener on the other side”.

I don’t know what to do at this point, I don’t want to move out because it’ll pull me away from the family, but at the same time I want to be able to live my own life without being question or made look like a bad person for wanting to do so.

Your parents dont need to make money and face things while their parents are supporting them with the house and with your income all seems fine to them. Paying for rehab was a big thing. Does your money go to support your moms drinking? They are using you because they can. They are using their parents because they can. Have you spoken with your grandparents about what is happening? You are in a hard situation. They are grown ups. What do you think would happen if you did move out?

Hello chrplpl: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. And thank you for bringing your concern here to PC.

Unfortunately I don't know as there is a lot I can say with regard to your situation. Your parents are who they are. And they've had many years to become the people they are. You are still young & really just getting started in life. You can't change them. So sooner or later, it seems to me, you're going to have to make a choice. Either live your own life or continue being a "cash cow" for your parents.

Yes each of these options comes with both plusses & minuses. That's the way most things are in life. There don't tend to be a lot of situations where everything is clearly all positive... or all negative either for that matter. And, yes, whichever way you choose you will likely have regrets. And you'll have to live with them. That's simply the way life is... or at least it's the way I see it.

Here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help in putting your situation into perspective:

You Can Only Change Yourself

Stop Trying to Change People Who Don't Want to Change | Happily Imperfect

Rescuing, Resenting, and Regretting: A Codependent Pattern | Happily Imperfect

The Link Between Childhood Emotional Neglect and Codependency | Happily Imperfect

Detaching and Other Ways for Codependents to Reduce Anxiety and Stress | Happily Imperfect

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...toxic-parents/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I think Skeezyks has some truly great guidance here. I urge you to ponder it deeply!

You mentioned you are in college. Could you move into a dorm?

I am sorry you have been pushed into playing a codependent role for your parents. Unfortunately, that is often what happens when a parent is an alcoholic where the child ends up picking up the pieces and doesn't really get to experience a healthier parent. It sounds like your father is also codependent yet he also is expecting you to pick up the pieces for him too. It can be quite the challenge experiencing that in that guilt can become something you experience when you can't fix what's broken in them.

I agree with Liz in that if you can get dorm space it can benefit you in giving you distance from being expected to carry more weight than you deserve to carry. You need to experience having a chance to develop yourself and experience some personal freedoms. You deserve to be with piers you can socialize with away from your parents so you can grow as a person and learn to be more independent. Your parents have not really allowed you to experience that because they are so dependent on not only you but others and that's unhealthy for you.

I think as long as you stay and continue to support them nothing will change.

Definitely move if you can, @chrplpl!! It's clear that they're using you for their own benefits! I am DEEPLY SORRY that things are being SO HARD for you! I understand why you may feel guilty about leaving your family behind, but it's not your fault if the situation is like this and it IS their choice and, most importantly, it is their responsability to take care of YOU and not the opposite! I'd encourage you to move with someone who will provide the assistance and help you need and deserve! Perhaps your grandparents? Are there any friends who can help you? Definitely seek ANY help you can! Please do NOT feel guilty about doing this. You're not doing anything wrong! You're just taking care of yourself and finding a way to provide for yourself! Nothing wrong with that! You have EVERY RIGHT to do that! Please keep us updated on your situation if you want to! Wish you the BEST of LUCK with your situation! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @chrplpl, and ALL of your Loved Ones! PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING! YOU ARE AWESOME, IMPORTANT, YOU MATTER, YOU'RE WORTH IT! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!