[Twinmama831]

I posted yesterday in the PTSD forum and am now reaching out over here. I have been having really rash thoughts when put under any pressure lately. I am indescisive as is, I am conditioned to be a "go with the flow" person. I dont think the grass is greener, I just feel like maybe this is it (Im fully aware Im in a verbal/emotional abused marriage) ( I go through the battered womens cycle with him, read my other posts if interested). This is how all relationships are, all his mom had and same with mine. Ive been going through the motions and have been left feeling half alive, and wanting to completely disappear. My husband works overnights and wont change them, hurt his ankle this week, I got bad news on my father last week (kidney/liver related) but hes been back drinking... I feel like Im carrying the world. Ive been a mom in survival mode for a bit. I dont know how to pull myself out of this hole I feel like Im sinking in and my anxiety is through the roof to the point my meds dont work. I dont feel like I have any control and Im writing with tears. How do I feel better? Im 24 and feel like if this is life, I dont really want to be in it. Ive gone through these feelings of depression and panic attacks and anxiety, my husband doesnt help only gaslights.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry you are struggling so much (((Twinmama))). Often a person gets into a bad relationship not seeing the toxic right away simply because that person's normal is living with some kind of toxic. Unfortunately, the person will even feel uncomfortable with "healthy" too, that's because their history is existing with "unhealthy" and that's the skills they know how to use, surviving in unhealthy. If you grew up with an alcoholic parent, you are used to being invisible and living your life around that parent and his/her disease. Now you are in a relationship where your partner doesn't see you any other way but taking their emotional issues out on you. My guess is you are probably dependent too. And you are probably held hostage because you can't see how you can walk away and be on your own.

It's important that you reach out for help, find a group that can help you work on figuring out how to break free from this trap you are in, people who can counter all the bad messages you are getting that keep you down and helpless. You are only 24 years old and you feel like you are carrying a heavy load because YOU ARE and you don't have the skills to handle all these toxic people you have around you. You need help with all that is weighing you down, a therapist, a support group, explore going to ALCOA meetings where you can meet others that can relate and advise you with places you can get more help.

[Twinmama831]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

I am sorry you are struggling so much (((Twinmama))). Often a person gets into a bad relationship not seeing the toxic right away simply because that person's normal is living with some kind of toxic. Unfortunately, the person will even feel uncomfortable with "healthy" too, that's because their history is existing with "unhealthy" and that's the skills they know how to use, surviving in unhealthy. If you grew up with an alcoholic parent, you are used to being invisible and living your life around that parent and his/her disease. Now you are in a relationship where your partner doesn't see you any other way but taking their emotional issues out on you. My guess is you are probably dependent too. And you are probably held hostage because you can't see how you can walk away and be on your own.

It's important that you reach out for help, find a group that can help you work on figuring out how to break free from this trap you are in, people who can counter all the bad messages you are getting that keep you down and helpless. You are only 24 years old and you feel like you are carrying a heavy load because YOU ARE and you don't have the skills to handle all these toxic people you have around you. You need help with all that is weighing you down, a therapist, a support group, explore going to ALCOA meetings where you can meet others that can relate and advise you with places you can get more help.

Thank you for responding. Thank you for making my feelings feel valid. I cried myself to sleep last night and had a meltdown on the floor this morning where my husband wanted to 302 me. But, I dont think Im crazy, Im under alot of stress. Im also years in recovery and havent used, even though days make me want to lately. I am a child of an alcoholic father, and feel very unequipped for the twins alone. My husband and I have been discussing seperating/divorce since yesterday. Were on the same page and it hurts me because I still care.

[MickeyCheeky]

I second EVERYTHING that Open Eyes has said, @Twinmama831! I am DEEPLY SORRY for what you're going through! Please be kind to yourself. It seems like BOTH you and your Husband are already considering Divorce or Separation. It hurts but sometimes it's just the best choice for EVERYONE involved. Please allow yourself to take time to grieve your loss and try to se a professional if you aren't already seeing one. You deserve to get better! I hope writing here is of some comfort to you. If it can help, my Inbox is ALWAYS open for you and everyone. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you need to talk! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Twinmama831, Your Family, Your Friends and ALL Of Your Loved Ones!

[Open Eyes]

Honestly, it's extremely unhealthy for the twins to witness this very toxic relationship and you constantly being stressed out this way. A father should not be treating the mother badly and getting her stressed and upset around his children.