Hello guys

Hi all, I'm Madhoo. I went thru a few issues some of my friends here are dealing with, and i must accept that mine is not as severe as others. Nonetheless, I'm struggling with mine so i thought of seeking some help/advice from you guys.

My wife and my my parents don't get along well to such an extent that they barely speak to eachother inspite of living in the same house. I don't live with them because my job demands my relocation every 1yr.

I manage to visit them every weekend but i end up spending it listening to each of them (parents/wife) complain about the other. I'm a single child married 2.5yrs ago. I feel helplessly sandwiched between them; like the rope in a tug of war.

I love all of them and cannot imagine to live without any one. I try to calmly listen to them in private but there's no end to it. I spent days and nights just hearing them out. It has become so extreme that I'm unable to concentrate on my job/work at office. My boss has even issued a warning against my below average performance. Even though I'm physically at the office, I'm constantly worried if all's ok between my parents and wife back at home. I live in constant fear.

I feel lost and hopeless. I've realized that getting them to like eachother is an unrealistic expectation. But i got to do something. Keeping the family together from a distance is taking a toll on me.

Do you guys have any advise/thoughts for me?

Do you think that them not complaining about each other to you would stop your anxiety on whether the house is holding up? Since you still have awareness of how your wife/parents feel about each other, and perhaps things that have happened between them?

Iout of curiosity, why are they still living together if they find each other intolerable? It doesn't sound like an enjoyable environment for anyone involved. It seems like living in seperate households is something to consider, if it's able to happen. Or maybe.. some family therapy?

In the meantime, perhaps you can speak to each of them about how the conflict is affecting your work? Them venting to you doesn't necessarily have to stop, but it could simply be lessened. However, it depends on what you can tolerate. So if thats no venting to you at all, then that's the boundary you set.

Im not sure how I would word it, Maybe something like, "the conflict has been taking its toll on me to the point of my boss noticing a decline in my performance, i'd appreciate it if we would spend less time conversing about the situation at home"? Just something to give you an idea if you were to set your boundary and you needed help with how you would say it.

Hello Madhoo: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

In reading your post, I noticed you live in India. So I presume there may be cultural issues involved with this situation. And I'm not going to have any useful suggestions with regard to those. However the answer here, to my way of thinking, is to move your wife out of your parents' home. My personal opinion would be that it would be a very special family where a son's wife could live amicably with his parents (& without him being home at least normal hours... after work & on days off.) In fact, even when the son (or daughter) is home I think having a married adult child & his / her wife or husband living with parents can be a challenge.

The fact is you can't change your parents nor can you change your wife. They are the people they are. And trying to imagine there is some way to "fix" this situation, if you could only figure it out, is just putting additional pressure on you because it makes you think you ought to be able to find this fix when, in fact, you can't. Here's a link to an article by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D., from Psych Central's archives, that speaks to this:

You Can Only Change Yourself

So, given the fact you can only change yourself, the question then becomes what can you do beyond moving your wife out of your parents' home. And, from that perspective, at least to my mind, this becomes a matter of personal boundaries on the one hand & coping with worry on the other. So here are links to some articles, also from PC's archives, on these subjects:

What Are Personal Boundaries? How Do I Get Some?

10 Way to Build and Preserve Better Boundaries

4 Steps to Setting Healthy Personal Boundaries

When People Cross Your Boundaries

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...ur-boundaries/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on...-relationships

https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-steps...g-and-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-tips-to-worry-less/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/antido...worrying-mind/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Welcome, @Devomer! I agree with the other wise, wonderful posters. It is a tough situation to be in and I'm so very sorry that you have to deal with it! If it's possible, definitely try to move to another house alone with your Wife. If that's not an option, perhaps family therapy is another thing that may be worth considering. At the very least, though, perhaps you can ask them to at least try to avoid unnecessary conflict when possible. I know it's not easy since they live under the same roof. But if that's how the situation is going to stay, hopefully not for long, then I feel like they should at least try to tolerate each other's presence without arguing all the time. I also don't think it's fair of them to ALWAYS complain about each other to you. It's clearly stressing you out. I'd say speak to them, make them understand that something needs to be done and that you're trying your best to make everyone live peacefully but that it's up to THEM as well. Hopefully they'll understand! I am so sorry, it sucks when something like this happens. Just try to hang on a little bit longer, at least until you're able to move somewhere else with your Wife. i apologize if all of this isn't really helpful! Hopefully you'll have some peace! Wishing you the best of luck! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @devome, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Awesome Dear Kind Sweet Wonderful Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE! YOU'RE AWESOME, YOU'RE IMPORTANT, YOU MATTER AND YOU'RE WORTH IT! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN BECAUSE IT IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE! I hope you'll LOVE this WONDERFUL Forum! Make yourself at Home and feel free to PM me ANYTIME when you're in need of Advice and Support! You're worth it! ALWAYS tell yourself thast because it is ABSOLUTELY TRUE!

I know culturally its more common to have shared households in india but is it a must?

I don't know where to start from, but let me first thank you all lovely people for all the kind words, support and good thoughts you all have sent my way. I appreciate it all.

MickeyCheeky, Iloivar, Skeezyks, sarahsweets, Bill3 - thank you all so much.

I read your replies again and again and thought about it. I feel i have some clarity now

When i went to meet my family last weekend, i clarified that the constant infighting is affecting my job. And being the single bread winner in a family of 4, i cannot afford to lose it (job).

I've realized that i cannot allow such circumstances to affect my peace. They cannot take charge of my life. My life is mine. Only i will be its ringmaster.