My sister-in-law lashed out at me

The holidays are about a month away. What would you like to see happen? Would you like for the whole family to spend the day together in peace, love, and harmony? (Is that possible?). What would it take for that to happen? Do you want to have your mom celebrate with your brother and you go somewhere else?

An apology would be nice, but with time that's now elapsed and what I've been told by my mother, that isn't going to happen.

I don't want to be in a toxic environment, frightened to say or do anything that would cause everything to kick off again. Previous years experiences have not been enjoyable. Sister-in-law shouting at my mother and me because we haven't reacted instantly to her dictating attitude. I've appreciated being invited there, but always seems to come with conditions attached.

Rather than apologise they've suggested my mother spends Christmas Day with me, then Boxing Day with them. This is cause of latest problem as I don't agree with this arrangement. Call me harsh but appreciate my mother is stuck in the middle. However, the apology is only way to move this on.

“Sister-in-law shouting at my mother and me because we haven't reacted instantly to her dictating attitude.”

^I personally can’t stand when someone does that to me! That was the very reason many of my mom’s dinner parties were outrageously stressful and sometimes fireworks flew between her and other family members. (I was able to laugh it off and not have a meltdown when my mom did it). If someone is going to bark orders at you, there is nothing you can do to make then stop, change, and respect you.

After months since she nearly hit you, she’s certainly not felt remorse and chosen to apologize. Coercing one out of here isn’t going to feel good. She probably still won’t apologize, even if forced. I can imagine you having her pinned to the floor with a fist to her head beating an apology out of her, lol. Forget it, you can’t get this satisfaction.

I had this experience myself with my sister. I certainly never got the apology, even when my husband begged her to. She only got meaner. We haven’t ever spoken again and it’s been a year. This was a wonderful, perfect relationship. We never had one disagreement before. Then over one small conflict, no more sister.

We don’t have Boxing Day in the US. I can imagine your Boxing Day to be you wearing boxing gloves and punching your SIL, lol.

Would love to pin her to the floor but that's condoning her behaviour. Know it's wrong but I laughed at your comment. Thanks for the lighter moment; not something to share with my mother though.....

Boxing Day here in the UK is day after Christmas Day. More laid back, it's now become day for soccer matches and retail sales; some people often sleeping outside shops to secure bargains. Our equivalent of Black Friday. Not sure how it got name but don't think fisticuffs was involved!

That is awesome advice.

I go through this with my family.

Well, surprisingly or not, I've had a Christmas card and present. Card's the usual blurb about being a very special sister. My aunt's told me that brother and sis-in-law told my mother she could do what she wants for Christmas. A nice cop out!

I'm spending Christmas day with my mother, then day after with aunt. As I said to both of them, "at least we won't be dragged out of bed at six am!"

Mother, ever dramatic, stated that someone's taken a big knife to this family and sliced it down the middle. We tried to go out shopping the other day, but she had a health problem due to the very cold wind. Had to go back home. Asked me not to tell brother about it.

Thinking back over various Christmases and other occasions, it's obvious sis-in-law has wanted all the plaudits. Well, now she can do what she likes this year and receive all the praise! As and when opportunity arises, I will let other family members know the real reason why I'm not welcome there anymore. May seem vindictive, but I'm sure some story will be made up, rather than telling the truth.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays to you all. Hoping for a peaceful new year!

Typical! Just when I give an update, get more to report.

Another discussion with mother yesterday. She admitted brother and sis-in-law are doing more work on their house, so SIL suggested she sleep on recliner chair in lounge if she stays with them. An arthritic 84 year old on a chair that isn't automatic, when she doesn't have the body strength to operate it; don't think so! I knew the truth would come out at some stage. My aunt has said she shouldn't tell my brother that she's not staying 'cos of sleeping arrangements. My reaction was how selfish. For once it seems my mother is actually going to stand up for herself.

Could have said a lot more but don't think my mother can take it. Of course she's disappointed at not seeing her granddaughter on Christmas Day, but I reminded her that kids these days know their own minds. She's now 14 and has more integrity than her parents and some relatives. Plus she doesn't want to be spending all her time with older relatives (snapchat, Xbox, etc!!). She'll find her own way to say that Gran and Auntie aren't forgotten, even if we can't be together. Not use bulls***t like her parents do.

Thankfully, Christmas/holiday over for another year! Very interesting time with more pieces of this puzzle being revealed.

Monday before Christmas, brother and sis-in-law took mother out for early dinner. She was able see her granddaughter too. When they'd gone home, she opened cards. The one from him read "to a special Mum from your Son" and "you're the only important one at this time". The picture was very dark (a sympathy card when someone has died is brighter). My mother was very upset at the wording, although he'd put his wife's name inside. Very odd, as in the past she had colourful cards with wording such as "to a very special Mum" or "to a wonderful Mum". Sometimes we can't always find the ideal card, but usually say "sorry card isn't what we wanted to get".

When she showed me on Christmas Eve, was obvious how upset she was. I said it was very odd to send a card like that. Mother now wondering if it was done deliberately. My view was it's possible, given sis-in-law's unacceptable behaviour towards me. Mother now wondering if she's trying to isolate her too.
Have also found out that as well as spending today with sis-in-law's older daughter (not my brother's child), they'll be there New Years Eve too.

Mother will be tackling him about the card sometime in the future. Our discussion was very frank, although I didn't tell her everything that had been said in past. She's also not surprised that he hasn't apologised to me and didn't argue when I said he'd lied to her. Very sad that he now has no respect for his mother too.

I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. You don't deserve this treatment.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I agree with what you said about your niece.

It possible. She sound very manipulative and controlling person.

Why am I not surprised by today's events?!

On Thursday my aunt visited my mother (her sister) as usual. Aunt in "bossy" mood, commenting that mother still had Christmas decorations out, then was rude to her. In a phone call yesterday evening and in person today, my mother was complaining about my aunt's attitude. Somehow, the conversation expanded to include situation with my brother and SIL. Mother's accusatory tone caused me to remind her about comments in early December, about me apologising to SIL for her lashing out at me. Mother denied it, then suggested I get the bible so she could swear on it. Culmination was mother's tears, possibly done to make me feel guilty/admit lying (which I wasn't).

It's nothing new, but realise my mother is a coward. She finds it easier to berate me for the actions of others. What I've said now is that as soon as anything unacceptable is said, then I will deal with it at the time, not some weeks later.

That is great advice

I'm sorry that you had to go through that. You didn't deserve that.

I'm sorry that happened to you. You didn't deserve to be treated like that.

Since the start of the year, I've not been criticised by my mother for anything, although she still can't tell my aunt properly to stop bossing her around. Admitted she's a coward.

Last Sunday, my mother, aunt (her sister) and SIL's mother all went to lunch at my brother and SIL's house. Apparently, they had a wonderful time although SIL still had attitude. My mother challenged the unacceptable comments she made. Just before leaving, she offered my mother a piece of homemade cake to take home, asking if I would like one too. The only reason I didn't eat it yesterday was it didn't look very appetising as jam and cream had made sponge soggy. Don't know what my mother will tell her, probably not the truth.

One observation I made to my mother was SIL sending me a gift of cake instead of apologising for her actions towards me. Mother's answer was who knows! If this is SIL's attempts at a reconciliation then she'll have to try harder.
As I've said before, not holding my breath....

This subject has come to the surface again, as it's approaching my mother's birthday. She doesn't know what to do about the "rift" as she calls it. Asked me what I intended to do about that day. Also wanted to moan because my aunt (her sister) had told her she was visiting that day too.

My answer was firstly it's your birthday, you decide what you want to do. Everything she suggested can't be done because of lockdown. Subject then returned to the rift. Again, it was how depressed she is and can't see a way forward with this situation. I asked what I think is an important question "have you discussed the situation with my brother?" Unsurprisingly, the answer was "No". My response "why not, there's two sides to this and I won't be blamed for someone else's unacceptable behaviour". Conversation ceased as there was no point in continuing. When I left her house later, said let me know what you want to do on your birthday. Have no intention of starting an argument on her birthday.

Probably mentioned this before, but can't understand why she won't have same conversation with my brother. Think she's scared that she'll be banned from seeing her only grandchild. She commented recently that I seem to have something on both of them that I won't share with her. Yes I do, but think it would affect her health. Or, she'll say she doesn't believe me.

Knew I would eventually be posting an update to report that no progress had been made on this situation.

Firstly, it took my mother four days to tell me that my brother wanted a meeting at her house this morning. It started with him telling me off for not contacting him after my mother's fall last week. The fact she'd said she wanted to tell him herself made no difference. Admitted I should have ignored her and contacted him.

We then progressed to the rift. To say his attitude was arrogant is an understatement. He denied her lashing out at me was domestic abuse, "she wasn't going to hit you anyway". Really! Only my mother grabbing her arm stopped the connection with the side of my face. I told him her behaviour was unacceptable but he still couldn't see the problem. With a smirk on his face and laughing, he told me to get my head from up my backside and take responsibility for what happened. Went very quiet when I told him that Mom had commented to his stepdaughter that her mother was possibly drunk, then repeated the statement on the journey home with me. He then continued to interrupt everything I said and must admit I did wag my finger at him; not the brightest move! He then accused me of criticising how they were bringing up my niece. What I actually said and repeated many times was that she was a credit, having empathy decency and integrity in healthy measures. Oh and finally, he did apologise for his language and slamming my car door. I accepted it but said it had taken a long time.

Then my mother chipped in and that's when all became obvious. She accused me of not being willing to "bend" in achieving a reconciliation. Pretty obvious that yet again, he'll be getting away with unacceptable behaviour. When he'd gone, she turned on me again with ancient events that need to be consigned to history.

Was shocked but ultimately not surprised by his attitude. If this is what having a comfortable life means, think I'll stay poor. Just didn't seem to see any wrong in his wife's attitude, choosing to blame me for my mood a few days before and when arriving at their house.

Before leaving her house earlier, told my mother that I wasn't getting involved in any issues around other family members. Over the past few days, she's said there's traitor in the family and she reckons my brother has serious problems at home.

Think I've been played! None of us are perfect and we do change with age and life circumstances. I'm so fed up of being the "punchbag" for this family, of course they can't see that either. It's my birthday in a few days' time and at this moment I don't want to spend time with my mother. Just want to get away from it all.....

It sounds like your mother's sister bullies her and your mother tries to remain passive as she most likely learned during her life that her sister just bullies more if she doesn't get her way. And what you experience with this Aunt is something your mother has dealt with her whole life and probably learned it's useless to try to stand up to her sister and her sister is stingy about apologizing for behaving badly.

Now that you are older you are seeing the unhealthy dynamics more and how your mother tries to be more passive as she dislikes confrontation. It's probably something she learned growing up around her own family dynamics and knowing her sister gets bossy and controlling, something you are becoming much more aware of.

Perhaps there is a part of you that already knows your mother prefers to avoid in an effort to reduce feeling stressed. This is part of her desire to not make her falling a big deal too. Yet, as you found out your brother gets angry and insists you let him know when something like that happens. What you did was honor your mother's wishes to keep it quiet, yet even if you mention that to your brother will respond with don't listen to her. That puts you in a bad place which can lead to your feeling like the punching bad simply because you felt it was your mother's right to tell whomever she wanted to about what she experienced. However, her motivation is more about getting to spend time with her grandchild and she doesn't want anything to interfere with that. And perhaps your brother and his wife are having problems and your mother is trying to stay neutral so she doesn't threaten being able to see her grandchild. My guess is this is how your mother learned to navigate around difficult people and part of why she tends to bring up history to prove how others only get more aggressive when any effort is made to stand up to them.

If your birthday is coming up, it's YOUR day and you don't have to make it into some kind of family thing.

Thanks OpenEyes

My aunt took on some caring duties for an elderly neighbour who she also bossed around. There was row between my mother and aunt last week which in its way led to the fall. Going back to their childhoods, aunt was her mother's favourite which led to my mother having to bear brunt of her mother's poor parenting skills. Plus the fact that there's six years between them.

My mother's problem is she won't take issue with my brother, choosing to try and undermine me at every opportunity. She's convinced herself recently that he's got problems at home. The fact that she could see no wrong with his attitude today proved to me that, as the saying goes, "he gets away with murder". What have I just done, placed an order for her medication. She still expects me to do these things for her. Perhaps he'd like the task instead...

The more I think about it, I've allowed myself to be played. No use me keep moaning about it. Only I can take action to preserve my self esteem. I won't be dragged down to my mother's level of self-worth. She even resorted to talking about dying earlier when the situation hadn't been resolved. Now if that isn't emotional blackmail, I don't know what is! But, how do you walk away when someone is frail?

While sometimes a statement of wanting to give up is emotional blackmail, other times it's a genuine expression about how someone feels too, especially when a person is older and more frail. And often deciding not to take issue with your brother is more about how your mother probably sees he isn't going to be patient, not like you which is probably why she shared more with you.

So, is your mother's sister younger or order than her?

Can you limit interactions with your family members? I know you need to speak with your brother because of your mom and that you’re taking care of your mom, but this whole family wreaks of TOXIC. Your mother is toxic, so is sister in law and even your brother. I would limit conversations, visits and interactions to only what is necessary. You are their punching bag. It’s emotional abuse.

Thanks Open Eyes. My aunt is 6 years younger than my mother. Let's just say my grandmother behaved exactly how my mother is now. Playing one child off against the other. That's contributed to my mother's low self-esteem.

Have Hope, thanks. You don't want to think this about your family but it's become clearer since the episode with sister-in-law. How my brother could say it wasn't domestic abuse; he's just hen-pecked. When my stepfather hit my mother many years ago, he threatened to floor him if he did it again so why is he now condoning his wife's behaviour. Lastly, my mother's attitude today openly displayed her favouritism for her son. Am I jealous? No, known this for a long time. She's also been horrible for ages so it's not down to being old or frail.

Is your brother older or younger than you?