My sister-in-law lashed out at me

Open Eyes, he's 4 years younger than me.

Have slept on it, albeit fitfully and decided only action is to distance myself totally. As a good friend said many years ago, you can only achieve peace with yourself if you end all contact.

I order my mother's medication online so need brother's e-mail address so that he can take it over. Will also be returning door key. Have only just got it anyway after many years when she took it off me in a fit of pique. Promised to contact Social Services about aids for her home and will make contact. However, at the first opportunity he can take it over. Same with her shopping.

What I experienced yesterday was a kangaroo court. The decisions had already been made on the outcome. It's disgraceful that my mother should openly attack me in front of brother then tell me she expected me to stay longer. To openly support a liar told me all I needed to know about our relationship. Some of the comments he made were straight quotes from her. She's told family members that I spend all day on the internet. How she knows when we don't live in the same house... I've never heard someone come out with such a large quantity of bull****!

As for my birthday, don't want to spend it with a manipulative mother who openly displays favouritism. No wonder he sat there looking smug all the time. Of course, my aunt will try to talk me out of it but her idea of my birthday lunch was the cafe in a retail outlet. Thanks but no thanks

Good for you. I agree that distancing as much as possible is the only way to preserve your mental health and your sanity.

Have Hope, thank you.

Just started to write down everything I can remember about yesterday. The one thing that keeps stopping me in my tracks is mother's attitude in telling me it was all my fault. Think it's because I've finally accepted she's devious and has been for a long while.

Something she wouldn't tell me, that reduced her to tears, was a comment her neighbour made sometime last year. Found out from him a week ago exactly what he said. It was his view of my brother's lack of visits and broken promises to do jobs for her. They say that truth hurts. Being a father himself, he knows about family dynamics. Of course, he's now on the naughty list because he dared to criticise her perfect son.

All the things she said yesterday that she isn't, she actually is. Dramatic, jealous, scheming, attention-seeking. Hasn't just become like this since her failing health.

Not wishing to sound dramatic, but here's the next episode of this ongoing saga.

Very interesting phone conversation with my aunt last night. She was the person who instigated calls from sister-in-law and brother to my mother last week. Not happy to be called a traitor for saying he needed to phone her. Admitted she was upset by mother's attitude but now understood how I felt.

Also learned what had happened during frank discussion between aunt and mother last week. Apparently, she pointed out to my mother that the only people doing anything were her and me. She said that he was doing absolutely nothing. My aunt added that mother got very defensive when hearing this truth.

When I said that I was going to hand everything over to him, she asked me not to. Her view was the situation would not change and she would be left to pick this up. My aunt's understanding of the meeting was it would be to discuss what my mother needed in terms of help. She was not surprised by the outcome but disappointed by his attitude. There was mutual agreement that mother's problems and attitude weren't just because of her health issues.

Thursday is my birthday and the arrangements made are still going ahead. Still feel it would be better to spend it on my own. Expecting day to be hijacked by mother and her issues. Sorry if I appear to have backtracked on my decision, but this really is last chance saloon

Happy birthday 🎂. I'm sorry that you were treated this way. I would get a lawyer and ask what are your rights in protecting yourself against your brother and sister in law. Then let the law protect you from the abuse. Ok would have called the cops and report your sister in law to social services.

Happy birthday poshgirl hope everything worked out for you today.

Buffy01 and Open Eyes, thanks for your good wishes.

The day wasn't as bad as expected apart from unforeseen issues. My aunt found her neighbour collapsed on Tuesday, sadly lady has since passed away. She cheered up as the day progressed and arrived sooner than expected. My mother couldn't resist having a go at her later, then tried to engage me on the subject before I came home.

It took mother almost ten minutes to wish me happy birthday. Had nice cards and presents (money). Even one from brother and sister-in-law, although he never acknowledged my thank-you text.

Had to take mother's blood pressure yesterday as doc wants two weeks of readings. Did my own, which was surprisingly good considering. However, pulse was very high. My aunt considered I was anxious, mother just sat there and said nothing. Think aunt is right as every time I think about situation, my pulse does increase.

Then neighbour phones earlier to tell me she had a car accident yesterday. Staying at her friend's house because she has whiplash.

Well, this topic has reared its head again!

Via Mother, have now received invite to Christmas lunch at brother and sis-in-law's house. Apparently sis-in-law said "this isn't an apology or reconciliation, but just an invite for lunch".

So, with lockdowns/social distancing/bubbles etc, she now thinks it's a decent thing to do to invite an 85 year old with health problems and me to their house. The UK government aren't publishing details of what latest restrictions will mean for each area until Thursday.

Main issue in this thread is there's never been an apology from sis-in-law and there will never be one whilst she adopts this arrogant attitude. Even thinking about my Mother and that's where the emotional blackmail will be, I'm finding it difficult to contemplate sitting at a table with someone who thinks she's done no wrong and to openly say she's not apologising. Much as I'd like to see my niece, it's not sitting well with me. How do I know that if I say something sis-in-law doesn't like that she won't lash out at me again

Do what you think is best, what is best isnt always good for the other person, and other times its not good for you. I think in your case, you should say something, when dealing with this behaviour.

Thanks Prycejosh1987

To say I'm surprised is an understatement!

Mother made decision herself to not risking going. Her considered view was "I've got this far, not going to risk it". The most sensible thing she's done in years. Brother said he understood. No comment from sister-in-law. My aunt (mother's sister) very miffed not going to her because she's been mixing with lots of other people, purely because she feels sorry for recently widowed friend.

Digressed slightly there. As mother said "we can't just walk out if someone appears who we didn't know was invited".

Arranging present delivery time next week, so I can at least see my niece and mother can see her granddaughter (socially distancing of course!)

Have you thought about reporting your sister in law for violations of the covid 19 anonymously? Just so she get a visit she not going to like.

Thanks Buffy01

Mother made sensible decision and decided not to go.

We delivered presents Sunday before Christmas. Stood outside their house talking to my brother and niece. Oh, wait a minute, someone was missing. Guess who! If she was doing that to snub me well sorry to say it was expected. Only person she made look silly was herself. Mother hasn't mentioned it, but she will at some stage.

Problem is can't prove any violations. There was going to be one on 26th December, when older niece had invited loads of people to her house. She subsequently cancelled; my aunt was apparently instrumental in that. Sis-in-law's mother spent Christmas Day with her daughter, my brother and younger niece so another good reason why we turned down the invite. This is how the virus is spread. It's all very well restricting contact within families, but you just don't know who else they've been in contact with, like my aunt visiting her widowed friend and getting a neighbour to take her there!

Back to topic. Sis-in-law sent me a cursory text saying thank you for presents. Was just writing one to my brother so sent that and acknowledged the arrival of hers.

Get someone who can watch what is going on and have them report anonymous to the police. Anyone can call social service and make a report.

Didn't think I'd be adding to this sorry tale. Maybe should have started a separate post regarding my mother, but the new problems relate to this topic. Perhaps I will, as there are other issues emanating from this.

Twice over the past week, my mother has accused me of having no compassion for her because I won't resolve the "family rift". Twice I have reminded her that I did not do the lashing out, so I have nothing to apologise for. When I ask if she's had the same conversation with my brother, she says yes. It's awful I know, but I just don't believe her.

Today has ended as Saturday did because she cannot see any wrong. She is trying to manipulate me into apologising for something I didn't do because it's the easy way out. Sister-in-law is the type of person who is manipulative, full of bull***t and thinks she's convinced everyone how good she is. As I've reminded my mother today, if I apologised it sends out the wrong message and it's a great pity but don't think it's the last time sister-on-law will behave in this way.

You have right to have boundaries.

Thanks OpenEyes

That is very sound advice. Strange that the very person who set boundaries in my younger life is totally ignoring them now.

It's Easter weekend here in the UK and we're supposed to be having lunch together on Sunday after my brother has visited Mother. I know how it will be. He'll speak to me, having pandered to her tears before I arrive. Everything will be fine because he's visited, said things she wants to hear but has no intention of acting on. Yet, days or even weeks later, she'll be frustrated again because the jobs aren't getting done. Then we're back to square one....

Well, that's the nature of their relationship and there is nothing you can change about that. That is THEIR responsiblity, not yours.

OpenEyes, spot on again, thanks!

Yes I realise that. He's always been her favourite and as I've got older it's become more obvious. At 65, I know nothing will change but I'm not going to demolish my boundaries just to satisfy my mother's desire for "the easy way out". When I challenge her about the suggestion of me apologising, she avoids answering, then dredges up unrelated things that have happened to her in the past.

I've also had to listen to her comments about my sister-in-law wearing the trousers. My brother has allowed this to happen so now lives with the consequences. I know my mother can't interfere in their relationship but it's another reason why she takes it out on me. She's admitted being a coward....

That is great advice.

I’m sorry that you were treated this way. You didn’t deserve to be treated this way.

It possible. Spouses don’t put boundaries with their significant others. Especially when that family members didn’t start anything.

Thanks Buffy01

Have updated topic about degenerating relationship with my mother but overlooked this one!

Was at family bbq nearly two weeks ago. Sister in law was "holding forth" when we (mother and I) arrived. When she realised she wasn't getting the attention, she went quiet. Not surprisingly, sister in law made no effort to speak to me, instead sitting other side of garden. It's amazing how much you can observe when wearing sunglasses!

Probably better to guide you towards "Degenerating relationship with my mother" instead of repeating everything here. The situation has got worse and of course, it's all my fault.