Why does he still contact me if he’s seeing someone else?

I suggest you try to focus on friends or dating with people you see IRL.

There’s no harm in you being a pen pal with him, unless it is harmful to you in some way. It sounds like it is harmful because it’s confusing and upsetting you enough to be concerned about.

And if he really is involved with someone else, why is he writing you. Would you like it if you were a couple and he was writing someone else?

Yeah I already am. The trouble was that doesn’t mean feelings just disappear though when someone contacts you (the feelings aren’t as strong as they were, don’t get me wrong, but they don’t just disappear like nothing ever happened either). I’m happy to keep it friendly and since I posted this question he’s been more friendly than flirty so I presume it’s harmless now. I don’t mind my partner having friends so long as that’s all it is. If neither of us are acting on anything while someone else is involved and are both adult about it I see no harm. He does also seem to have culled the contact somewhat more now too. So I think that’s for the best.

It sounds like it’s working itself out.

simple. He knows you're attracted to him and were at one point involved somewhat. He's showing his true colors right now in that he likes to keep other women on the hook. Whether it's for his ego or outright potential cheating does not matter one iota. Fact is he is showing who he is with the current gf so... there is no good outcome to this. right now he's doing his current gf wrong by contacting you and being flirtatious. He's doing you wrong by using you for his own ego or other reason. Even if you at some point were interested in being involved with him again, you've got to stop and think, with knowing how this guy is, do you really think he'd be any different with you or any other person he was involved with? and that being said do you want to be a party to his obvious deceit with his current gf? I'm not implying you've voluntarily been a part of it, but that knowing what you do now, the best bet and right thing to do would be to cut it off, block him and move on.

Okay guys, so here's the update. I stopped messaging him altogether and then this week he wished me a happy birthday and told me he'd likely be posted back for good in the new year and would like to take me out for a drink if that's the case.
The woman who posted pictures of them together on social media is no longer linked to his social media so I presume they've fallen out.
And he's been messaging me practically daily ever since. I questioned if he'd been seeing anyone and he said no. I so told him I'm not interested in anything casual and he said it wouldn't be casual as he'd be open to moreonce back, not now.

How do you feel about it? Do you want to see him for the drink? Is he setting up a date for the new year, like in January?

What if you tell him to get in touch with you if and when you and he live in the same city, at which time you can see how things stand in person. Until then, I myself would continue to make communication minimal and keep my distance.

I mean it feels nice to hear from him and receive the affection, but maybe a little ingenuine too since the expectation of daily messages conflicts with not wanting to start anything until January.

I have limited communication more than he'd like and he questioned it but understood when I said our work schedules conflict. But I'd still consider keeping in touch weekly.
When I didn't message him when I said I would he was less affectionate towards me and asked more questions about what I was doing during that time, which again, to me that conflicts with what he said about not wanting to start anything now? I do know that the military have this assumption about long distance things not working out so maybe that has something to do with it, or maybe not, who knows.

I would be interested in seeing him for the drink I think but it depends how things play out up until then. I was wondering if he was seeing me as a rebound type of thing too to validate his feelings if he's feeling sad about breaking up with the other girl, I suspect it was him that broke up with her but I don't know for sure. So I wrote a draft message that I considered sending telling him that he's got a lot to give so no need to seek the validation from me (not quite those words but along those lines)?

I was unable to message him when I'd planed to due to unforseen circumstances, not because I did it deliberately though, and he seemed to understand that in the end.

Bill can I just ask (just so that I understand) why you'd recommend that?

I think asking you for only ‘a drink’ in January is a red flag. After all the time you’ve invested in him, wouldn’t you think he’d at least have asked you for dinner? I know that sounds petty, but it means a lot IMHO.

I’d tell him, when you are in town call me and greatly minimize this pen pal contact.

I also think it’s a red flag that he’s colder when you are not available and asking you about what you are doing. This is all a bit off.

I think it’s tempting to get connected online with him again, but he has given you no reason to trust him. On the contrary, he has given you reasons not to, as you have noted.

I think it would be good to keep yourself separate from him until you can see him face to face, and see in person how he treats you at that time.

So to be very clear, you don't think his actions are based out of genuine attraction, they're driven by selfish opportunity?

I know it's not ideal but lots of people have insecurities come out when they like someone? Or maybe I'm just deluding myself. Also, when he asked me for a drink before we did go and have dinner too so I presume that's possibly what he means.

Als, I didn't pay a thing even though I offered, he made sure to take care of all of that, which to me was a good sign, and he does come across as genuinely caring in person, but whatever started between us was quite new before he got posted abroad.

I'm not saying he's done no wrong, an dim listening to everything you're all saying. I'm just trying to figure out if it's genuinely right to not give him a chance really.

That sounds like my ex-boyfriend! I finally had to tell him he could no longer contact me anymore. I had to block his number and e-mail.

That sounds like a great idea!

That sounds like a great idea! I wish that I had thought about that myself!

I think that a possible dating partner should prove him/herself through consistent interest, kindness, and affection over time.

Judging by what you have said, you haven’t seen that from him so far.

I don’t know whether he is trying to exploit selfish opportunity. I just think that a person (you ) should keep their emotional distance from someone unless and until they demonstrate consistent interest, kindness, and affection over time. Don’t commit to him unless and until he commits to you.

Oh no I'm not committing, I think I've learned to keep some distance now until I see otherwise, but if I can keep that emotional distance I just didn't see any harm in replying to his messages and keeping in touch until he's back. Obviously it'll be different in person and we'll have to start again.

If he doesnt live up to his words though then he will most definitely be blocked from that point on.

It sounds like you're a backup plan. The fact he didn't divulge he was seeing someone else speaks volumes.

If you enjoy his friendship and do not believe you will " catch feels," let him know you value his friendship and that's as far as it goes.

he probably was called out by the previous lady and she walked. makes sense, that now that he's blown it with the one he had, he's open to getting into something with you but my previous statement still stands, knowing what you know about this guy and his ways, is the affection and attention really worth it when you know it's likely to be split between you and the next woman of interest he comes across? honestly I think you've already stated what type of man this is and you're playing with fire if you get into something with him.