[DapperChapper]

Hi. I've seen a few posts about similar issues before, but I need some advice now.

My partner and I have different sex drives and I’m not sure what to do. For reference, my partner has a higher sex drive then me, and I feel that a) I’m not adequately providing for them and b) there might be something wrong with the way I feel. They want to have sex every time we're together, and I'm really not that fussed most of the time.

It’s not just the fact that they want to have sex more, they’re also more into it – based on how they act/what they say. When my partner says something like “I’ve thought about touching you all day” or “I really want to ***** you”, I’ll feel guilty, because, honestly, I don’t feel that. It’s not that I don’t like my partner – emotionally I feel very close to them, as I trust them immensely and they’ve also done a great job of improving my self-esteem and worth; I just don’t attach as much to physical attraction as they do. I enjoy spending time with them, but sex just isn’t that much of a deal for me. That being said, I know it’s more important to them, and I want to be good to them.

What can I do about this? Either in terms of the way I approach this with myself, or with my partner? Maybe I’m getting inside my own head with this. Any advice is appreciated! I did also try posting this in the "Sexual Issue" forum, but didn't have any responses, so I'm posting here instead.

[TunedOut]

Sitting close on the couch and regular sex has always been an important part of my relationship. When I need it, I am grateful he is willing. When he is in the mood but I am not--I approach the task with a grateful heart. I want to make him happy because all that he has done to make me happy. Plus, I still get in the mood enough to know how nice it is to have it when you got to have it. I feel so lucky that my partner never neglects this part of our relationship. I love when he talks about it and feel like I should be more consistent about talking about it though when I do--it just makes us laugh because it when I say it, it just sounds comedic because I don't have the acting skills my partner has (or perhaps he is just a natural flirt). So I think that my partner is more confident than I am, makes it all easier for him sometimes but that I am willing to try counts for a lot with him!!!

Has there ever been a time in your life when you felt really turned on? Sometimes, I can take myself back to some of the times in my life that sex was the most intense and my body follows. If you have had times like this in your life, perhaps you could try to really remember how you felt and use it to improve the experience. Have you ever had really great sex? The kind that stays with you for days? If you have never had this then maybe there are books or a therapist out there that could help you cultivate it?

Also, sometimes good foreplay isn't about just sex. It is about telling your partner how good they look and make you feel. It can be about doing something for them and overlooking small things that aren't perfect. It's about feeling good enough about ourselves to make ourselves look better and try to say things that will make them feel as good as they make us feel. If they boost your self esteem--think of ways to pay that back! Everyone loves a genuine complement. Complements put people in a good mood. What we send out in the world comes back to us, so above all, try to put yourself in a good mood and be happy that you have people in your life that lift you up. Not everyone has that. We are lucky.

[superm4n]

Think about it from a different perspective. If you enjoy making them happy and feel good drive on that feeling rather than lust. You can be just as creative in a different way and I bet they would absolutely love the new zest in the bedroom. Perhaps being more active would help as well. I know after working out I can get pretty zesty. Or a long walk and fresh air. Or something to get my adrenaline going. Turn it into a game rather than anxiety creator.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @DapperChapper
I was unclear by your post and profile as to what gender you and your partner are, or identify with? Would you mind sharing?

[MickeyCheeky]

Yes, I agree with what ALL the other wise and wonderful posters have already WISELY and WONDERFULLY SAID BETTER THAN I POSSIBLY EVER COULD IN MY WHOLE AND ENTIRE LIFE, @DapperChapper! I'd suggest to just TALK to him about ALL of this and tell him that you have some struggles when it comes to your Sex Drive. Just be honest with him and hopefully you'll BOTH be able to work things throughout your Life and your Relationship! Perhaps a Sex Therapist may also be able to help you if you just ask for help if your Partner agrees! Give it a thought! I DO think it's important to discuss the Issue you're having so that you'll BOTH be able to improve your Sex Life so that it will satisfy BOTH OF YOU! Are you taking any Meds? Perhaps check out your Libido Levels as well! In any case, definitely keep working on it if you can, talk to him about ALL OF THIS and Hopefully you'll be able to work these things out throughout ALL AND THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR LIFE AND ALL AND THE ENTIRETY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH of you, @DapperChapper, your Family, your Friends and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING!

What MickeyCheeky said. @MickeyCheeky

I think its important to talk to your partner about this. I'm not sure how to go about telling you how. It sounds like you are hesitant, and maybe worried about their reaction?

I personally don't think we should have to force ourselves to have sex when we don't want to and are uncomfortable. On the other hand, I think what some of the other posters said is valid. If you feel comfortable and happy to please your partner even if your not "as into it as they are" that's ok. Maybe seeing a sex therapist or relationship therapist could be good down the line.

I wish you the very best with this. I'm glad you reached out here on relationships forum.