[idkkkkkk]

I've honestly thought about starting therapy for this but right now I don't think I can afford it, but I really am desperate for some help. I don't know what to do.

For as long as I can remember, my dad has randomly done/said things to hurt me. If I listed everything that he did, I would be writing for a while... But I feel so guilty because he has provided for me, but I realize that doesn't excuse him from hurting me.

I graduated college almost a year ago and am moving out on Tuesday. Almost every time I talk about the move or my excitement for it, he will say something negative. I've heard:

"I'll give it six months and you'll come home."

"I'm worried about you getting a credit card, I know you aren't good with finances."

"You're not an adult."

"You don't have a credit score." When I replied that I do, and how else would I have been able to get an apartment, he said, "Anyone can do that. It's a rental."

I finally said something tonight when he told me that I wouldn't be happy anymore after Tuesday (the day I move out). I told him how it hurt my feelings and it made me think that he didn't think I would be successful. His response was that he can't say anything without me being upset, that he paid me through college and has done everything for me but apparently that's not enough. I told him I'm allowed to tell him when something hurts my feelings.

That's about it. He's mad right now and I'm a mixture of extremely sad and guilty. I started hyperventilating and (I think?) had an anxiety attack but I don't really know. I just feel numb right now. If only y'all knew how much stuff like this happens and how I just can't take it anymore.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[Bill3]

It sounds like you’ve done a wonderful job preparing yourself for your future. Congratulations!

It’s rough to deal with a parent who just won’t approve/accept/support. I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. It is not your fault.



If you want someone to talk to and can’t go to therapy, you could try a listening line such as Caring Contact - We're Here To Listen

Hang in there! I bet you WON’T be back in six months.

[nicoleflynn]

He has issues and takes them out on you...so sad. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans is a book which saved my life; don't try to figure him out.

[MickeyCheeky]

I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY for what you're going through and that you're HURTING AND STRUGGLING SO BADLY! I TRULY, REALLY AM! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! Yes, I COMPLETELY agree with BOTH the WISE and WONDERFUL Bill3 and nicoleflynn! You have EVERY RIGHT to speak up when you're feeling hurt! I am REALLY HAPPY you're going to move soon! Be REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY PROUD OF YOURSELF for what you're accomplishing! Try not to give it ANY thoughts and just focus on yourself and on what you need to do NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, ok? Sending Many Safe, Warm Hugs To BOTH You, @idkkkkkk, Your Family, Your Friends, Your Therapist, Your Doctors And ALL of your Loved Ones! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY for what you're going through and that you're HURTING AND STRUGGLING SO BADLY! I TRULY, REALLY AM! Please NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS!

[s4ndm4n2006]

Thing is, it's natural to want to have the pride of a parent and their encouragement but the caveat being sometimes we rely too much on it for our happiness and contentment in life. Truthfully we all ought to stand firm in our own confidence that we know we are doing the right things and doing what's best for our own future but it's easier said than done.

I know this isn't easy to accept but once you do you'll be a lot stronger and find more joy and contentment when two things happen: one, accept that your dad may be the negative person in your life that it seems everyone has and you'll never change that. 2. accept that it does not have to be the deciding factor on whether you're happy with your choices or not. be confident in what direction you choose to go and that whether dad, mom, sister or brother or any joe on the street doesn't agree it doesn't affect whether or not it's the right thing for YOU. Those are only opinions and as they say opinions are like... well you know how that goes.

You got through college. that's the first thing to feel good about. many do not get that far and though it's not for everyone, when someone is able to get through it, that's a milestone to be proud of. You're finding independence by moving out. Its another rite of passage that you should feel great about. it won't be easy, and it won't all be great but I guarantee in the long run it is the right thing to do and something that will change you for life. Be glad.

You'll do great whether or not your father accepts your good choices as such or not.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @idkkkkkk
I have some thoughts on maybe what your dad is saying without saying when he says these things. Its just my opinion though.

I graduated college almost a year ago and am moving out on Tuesday. Almost every time I talk about the move or my excitement for it, he will say something negative. I've heard:

"I'll give it six months and you'll come home."

He will miss you and wants you to stay under his control.

"I'm worried about you getting a credit card, I know you aren't good with finances."

Still wants to control you including your freedom from him financially.

"You're not an adult."

Invalidating, not accepting you are growing up, wanting to instill fear in you.

"You don't have a credit score." When I replied that I do, and how else would I have been able to get an apartment, he said, "Anyone can do that. It's a rental."

Well, you know this is wrong if you have a place, do not give this one another thought.

His response was that he can't say anything without me being upset, that he paid me through college and has done everything for me but apparently that's not enough. I told him I'm allowed to tell him when something hurts my feelings.

This is extremely invalidating. Holding his contribution to your future over your head is very controlling. If he had not paid for college would you still have found a way? I believe you would have.

That's about it. He's mad right now and I'm a mixture of extremely sad and guilty. I started hyperventilating and (I think?) had an anxiety attack but I don't really know. I just feel numb right now. If only y'all knew how much stuff like this happens and how I just can't take it anymore.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

I think leaving is the best thing you can do. And to lay a boundary for communication after you leave you may need to take more active steps. You may have to tell him that he can not speak to you like this, and if he does you will have to limit/avoid contact with him. Set this boundary once you are out of the house and hold him to it, however hard it will be. We teach people how to continue treating us. Once we realize how toxic a situation is and are shown the steps to remove ourselves and protect ourselves, it is our job to set the boundaries and stick to them. Some people only learn through pain and consequence. As an alcoholic in recovery I can tell you it was only pain and consequences that pushed me to change. If everyone continued to tolerate my behavior I wouldnt have changed.

[Medusax]

Sounds VERY familiar. My father did the same type of thing, while my mother stood by and nodded her head.

[Medusax]

@sarahsweets------You got it 100%!!!!

[Open Eyes]

Your father is in the wrong here and not being a good parent. We ALL learn by doing and you NEED to learn HOW to live on your own. This is a very important part of development for a person where they go out on their own and learn how to thrive on their own. Will you make mistakes? Probably as most do, but you WILL LEARN from any mistakes you make. Your father had to learn himself.

Your father isn't READY to give up control over you. He needs to learn how to let go and transition into supporting your effort to thrive on your own.

[idkkkkkk]

Thank you all so much for your advice!