[Gymgirl71]

Not like punishing them really, but making them accountable for their actions. If their are exhibiting bad behavior and you accept it, what message are you sending to them? Example: your partner makes plans and cancels regularly with a lame excuse. You aren’t going to make yourself available to him 2 days later when it’s convenient for him. You are going to make him wait a few days before he can see you again...

Thoughts?

[Discombobulated]

Idk, it isn't something I would do.

I would ask myself how I would feel if my partner did it to me. I wouldn't like it.

I would prefer to talk it over.

I think if your partner doesn't listen if you try to discuss then you have deeper problems.

[Imokay2]

I think that's fair, but you have to communicate why and reasoning, if you communicate the expectation and they can't or won't meet it then it's fair. If, however you manipulate things by withholding normal relationship things then that's being kind of mean if they don't get a chance to understand what is going on.

[Gymgirl71]

Originally Posted by Imokay2

I think that's fair, but you have to communicate why and reasoning, if you communicate the expectation and they can't or won't meet it then it's fair. If, however you manipulate things by withholding normal relationship things then that's being kind of mean if they don't get a chance to understand what is going on.

I of course would communicate what I don’t like or have an issue with..they can say sorry but if they repeat the behavior you have to hold them accountable

[TishaBuv]

I don’t think building a relationship dynamic like that is a good idea.

Yes, you should state that you don’t like and won’t accept their behavior. If they won’t change, and you really can’t accept their behavior, you should just end the relationship.

Punishing and playing withholding games, only ratchets up the mean, abusive dynamic and creates an unhealthier relationship.

As a parent I never did a time out. I know some parents do. I just talked about why their behavior was unacceptable and didn’t accept it by not giving in and rewarding them for it. This worked for my family. I think the same goes in a romantic relationship.

(I guess I should add that my adult son is currently not speaking to me because I did exactly the good parenting I just stated above. Sometimes, the consequences are the end of the relationship, but that’s what happens when you have self esteem and truly don’t accept the unacceptable)

[Blknblu]

It's been my experience, this sort of
Kills any kind of care and intimacy in relations. It hurts., but that's my take on it.

[LiteraryLark]

None of that sounds healthy and it IS a form of punishment. If your partner is a flake, you may want to rethink the relationship rather than play mind games with him that will not work.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm afraid I must agree with ALL the other wise, wonderful posters that this doesn't seem lile the healthiest thing to do in a Relationship. If I've had a Partner, I'd prefer to just talk to him/her about ALL of this and see how it goes from there! Punishments are rarely REALLY useful in my opinion and you may gain better results by just talking things through with your Partner! If, after you've done ALL the talking, things still don't change, you may want to consider ending the Relationship right there. You need tot hink about yourself as well! At the very least, offer Him/Her to do some Couple Counseling. Hopefully He/She will Accept that at least! Keep us updated and let us know how it goes, ok? Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Gymgirl71, your Family, your Friends, your Partner, your Doctors, your Therapists, your Nurses, your Relatives, your Classmates, your Teachers and ALL of your Loved Ones! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?

[bpcyclist]

Couples therapy is where I would go with this.

I kind of agree with the o.p. Exception being the thought of making him wait to see you. Instead, busy yourself with things that please YOU, and when he sees your indifference to his actions of cancelling his dates with you, he'll be wondering why you're ok with it. Why are you ok with it? Because you have better things to do with your life than hanging around waiting for his next move or call. Best wishes to you.

[unaluna]

Is this the same guy or a new guy?

[sarahsweets]

Do you tell your partner that it’s a time out or that it’s punitive and meant to be a punishment or motivator to correct unwanted behavior?

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by 2daffodils

I kind of agree with the o.p. Exception being the thought of making him wait to see you. Instead, busy yourself with things that please YOU, and when he sees your indifference to his actions of cancelling his dates with you, he'll be wondering why you're ok with it. Why are you ok with it? Because you have better things to do with your life than hanging around waiting for his next move or call. Best wishes to you.

^This is great advice. When you make your next date, remind him that you don’t appreciate it when he cancels. If he cancels, simply don’t make any more dates with him because he is unreliable. Do something else rather than sitting there stood up and angry. Then find a new guy to date who won’t habitually disappointment.

[ArtleyWilkins]

Sounds like very unhealthy dynamics. If that's what the relationship is like, why stay in it? Sounds, honestly, rather juvenile and petty -- game playing. Move on if that's what it's all about. Don't treat partners like children that you have to discipline. That doesn't speak any better of you than it does of your partner.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Gymgirl71

Not like punishing them really, but making them accountable for their actions. If their are exhibiting bad behavior and you accept it, what message are you sending to them? Example: your partner makes plans and cancels regularly with a lame excuse. You aren’t going to make yourself available to him 2 days later when it’s convenient for him. You are going to make him wait a few days before he can see you again...

Thoughts?

the first premise of the post is where I first had questions - "... when [your partner] is misbehaving" The perspective I have on this is as though it sounds like one is being judged as a child. Now I have no idea if this is how you perceive things with your partner(s) but it just seems condescending to me.

Granted someone in a relationship that is consistently standing you up is a problem to be addressed but I am with the others that the approach to addressing this that you've presented isn't really conducive to a successful relationship. It really does seem to be addressing as if someone needs to be punished, rather than approach it as an issue that needs to be addressed as equally responsible adults in the situation it implies that one is the subordinate that needs correcting rather than talked to as an equal about how their repeated actions are a problem.

it also seems quite passive rather than actually taking the problem head on. That never really makes anyone change or acknowledge their wrong doing. The silent treatment from the partners I've had because they were upset at something I said or did never really conjured up feelings of being sorry or wanting to apologize only made me resentful. Even if their idea was in the hope to make me realize the error of my ways at the time, it only made me scratch my head rather than if they said something directly to me about it. Just an example.

Lastly if someone is in a relationship with me and consistently is irresponsible, and stands me up, after addressing it (directly) with them if it didn't change I'd be considering whether or not they were even the one I wanted to stick around with. Rather than change what another person is I'd more likely find someone that fit and respected me more.

[divine1966]

I don’t think putting people on this type of time out is a good idea. It sounds passive aggressive and pointless as people don’t change. Or even if they change, it’s a bad idea dating people who require that much behavior change.

If a man constantly cancels on you, he is either not that into you or is selfish and inconsiderate. Putting him on time out isn’t going to get him to like you more or be a better person.

So my solution is just not date people like that. Why do you date people who behave badly or aren’t that interested? It’s pretty obvious who is who and what is what pretty soon after you start dating someone.

Just don’t waste your time on people like this. Get out quick.

Also explore why are you attracted to these types. I think good therapist could help here

[princesscookie19]

Yes but all my friends dont care , there just being there as a friend .

[TheSadGirl]

I skimmed the other responses. I myself prefer being direct. If something bothers me I will say so and we discuss it. I think the tit for tat method just ends up hurting both sides. It is like punishing a child for something they did yesterday. It sends a confusing message.