[Sobreezy]

My husband and I have been married for less than a year together for almost three altogether. From the beginning anytime an issue arises on either side there is never responsibility accepted on his part no matter how bad it is.. he also absolutely refuses to ever apologizes no matter how awful the issue/argument was or became. There is always something I have done to warrant his response. For example the other night he took me the wrong way got really mad so my response was to separate from him and I sent him a text apologizing for saying it in a way that could be taken the wrong way and reasoning with him that an arguement was just a waste of time for us to just try and forget about it. Fast forward an hour he said something that I took wrong. I got upset and went in the bedroom crying. He proceeded to turn the radio up as high as he could and play some rap song about how he doesn’t care anything about me/he has another b**** and threw stuff in our kitchen. Needless to say I was very hurt but for the sake of not fighting didn’t try to keep anything going ,thinking he would see how hurtful it was in the daylight, I just tried to make nice and gave up on it for then. I let a day pass kinda mentioned it hurt me no response change subject. Today when I woke up I still wasn’t my same very affectionate self but I was cordial. We went outside and he asked me what was wrong. I told him that I was hurt from all that the other night that it was abusive the way he treated me sometimes and something needed to change bc I was on the verge of leaving. He blew up on me and walked in. He thought I said I had found someone else which is not the case. Before you know it he was “leaving me” He threatens divorce anytime I dare have an issue. He has called me so man names I can’t think straight. I’m to sensitive I bring up dumb s***. The way I think is stupid. He changed password to our bank app and cell phone app when I have dine anything while he is mad even if he said it was ok before hand. Has told me to pack my s*** and leave or I can get out of his house multiple times. Now let me be straight forward. I’m not the sweetest easiest to get along with person. We have different parenting styles. Different personalities I’m sure I’m a b word by most standards but I still can feel like I’m deserving of these things. Am I delusional or can any of this be classified as emotional abuse? It’s always my fault and he doesn’t care whatsoever how I feel about anything. Somehow I just feel like this isn’t ok or normal. Is it just me please help

[Raindropvampire]

I see this is your first post so welcome to Psych Central.

To me yes that would be emotional abuse. I would worry over time about it escalating to something worse. I've been where you are and the only thing I wish I'd done different is leave earlier. My heart goes out to you that you have to deal with this kind of abuse.

[~Christina]

What good qualities does he have ??

From what you have posted if he doesn’t get his way he’s abusive.

I’d demand couples counseling to try and salvage this relationship and if he’s unwilling or it doesn’t help I’d certainly file for divorce and more on..

Meanwhile regardless seeing a Therapist on your own will help you process things and also help you understand what a healthy relationship looks like .. because what you have isn’t one

Welcoming to PC

[sarahsweets]

The fact that he changed the info to your bank account makes me concerned. This is cutting you off from the ability to support yourself. Is it a joint account?

[divine1966]

Are there children involved? You mentioned parenting styles. Kids shouldn’t be brought up in abusive households. Not sure how and why you two got married but I believe this is abusive marriage. I’d not recommend staying with this man

[MickeyCheeky]

I must agree with ALL the other wise andf wonderful posters about ALL of this! He definitely seems like an abusive man. Please get out of there as soon as you can. You can try to offer Couple Counselling to him, but from what you wrote, it seems like he isn't really willing to acknowledge his flaws and faults in your relationship. Still, you can try to propose that to him as a last option. If he refuses, leave. I am so sorry things are being so hard! I hope you'll find happiness and someone else who will treat you with the LOVE and RESPECT that you NEED and DESERVE! Please be kind to yourself and take the BEST decisions for yourself, ok? Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Sobreezy, your Family, your Friends, your Children and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking no matter what happens, ok?

[bpcyclist]

I agree with everything all the brilliant people--@MIckeyCheeky, @divine1966, @sarahsweets, @christina, and @Raindropvampire have said. You can certainly give the couples' therapy thing a go, but I can tell you from personal experience, if both people aren't giving it 100%, it's a waste. My ex-wife was in the middle of an affair while we were supposedly in couples'; counseling. Nice.

If he wants to get better and save the marriage, it is going to be a ton of work, IMO. People are going to want to know what his father was like, what his parents' relationship looked like. Where did he learn that it is okay to treat partners/wives this way. Uncomfortable stuff for him. And he does not appear to take criticism well. Will he be willing to work on all this stuff? If the answer is no, then I agree--you should bail. There are plenty of men out there who won't treat you this way.

After my wife who was supposedly trying to help me save our marriage surprise-served me with divorce papers, I started looking around. I immediately found that $50,000 was missing from one of our accounts. She had been slowly siphoning cash for 6 months in preparation for the filing. She was never going to stay. She had left long before. Sneaky little thing.

I tell you this because I, too, am really stressing about this business involving your bank account. You need to rectify that today! It is critical. It is possible he is trying to leverage you into staying by taking away any financial means to leave. Another form of abuse. If you decide you have to leave and you are the one physically leaving your now-home, you are going to need cash. A fair amount of it. First month's rent, maybe last. Maybe a deposit. Utilities. You will have to separate your phone plans. On and on. And if there are children, as it sounds like there are, well, you already know how much it costs to raise and take care of kids. Now, you'll be doing it on one income--at least until all the divorce-money issues are sorted out or until some kind of interim child support/alimony agreement is set.

And remember, it's 2020 almost. Just because you are a woman doesn't guarantee that you won't be the one writing checks to him. I have paid my ex-partner's alimony for twelve years. She once earned more than her ex. We went to court to try to reduce the amount and the judge had zero interest in modifying the agreement, even though my ex (then my partner) had taken a huge hit in income after we had a child of our own. Judge didn't care. Saw that I was a retired professional and just thought we should pay for everything because she assumed I was so rich. So you never know. Judges are weird.

So, get on this money thing pronto. If he won'[t give you immediate access to all joint accounts or an account in your name only, just get a lawyer. Don't wait. He could drain all your accounts and once that money is gone, it can take a long time, if ever, to get it back. And no--I never did get my 50K back.

[LilyMop]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. No. This does not sound good at all to me. I agree with what everybody else said about taking care of yourself financially and legally. You can always try marriage counseling later if you really want to. People can be separated and then take time to start counseling if they find they want to work on things. Best of luck to you.