How to help my wife move forward (sorry for the long post)

Not sure if people saw my threads in August. While at our marriage counselor, my wife told me she wanted to separate. After significant discussions over a multiple day period we were able to agree to stay together. A lot of it had to do with poor communication. There were numerous things I was doing that built up a large amount of resentment in her. However, she literally never expressed her feelings and just went with whatever I was saying or doing. It certainly wasn't my intention to hurt her, but I did and just never understood it because I couldn't see the forest through the trees (I've actually started a book I'm calling "A man's guide on how to not ***** up your marriage" until I come up with a better title).

So from her perspective I inflicted significant emotional trauma on her. She has talked about the fact that she thinks she has PTSD (I don't think she does, but I do believe she has aspects of it - and I encouraged her to speak with our counselor in couples sessions or individually to get a professional diagnosis). She definitely has triggers that cause strong emotions.

And that's what I want to ask about here.

So things are usually great. Yes, it's only been 3.5 months, but for the most part it has been a great 3.5 months with a renewed relationship that almost feels like when we first met. HOWEVER, at times I will do things that will trigger severe emotional responses which result in intense feelings of hatred towards me. She has a lot of things that haunt her from our past. Whether I think they are valid or not is not relevant. She has them, and they end up reverting her back to a very bad place with regards to her feelings about our marriage. We talk through the issues and usually end up better for them, but she has not been able to figure out how to reduce this feeling of intense hatred - even after numerous conversations.

I think part of the issue is forgiveness but I could be completely wrong. She is still holding on tight to these issues from our past. Perhaps it's a safety net because she'e not ready to trust me. Holding on to the resentment and not forgiving me creates a barrier of protection, reminding her not to completely trust me, even if the feelings do ultimately hurt her. She's not ready to forgive me and I'm OK with that. I have patience and it's best for her to do this on her own schedule and not mine. However, when she has these "hatred attacks" it pushes us very far backwards and I'm concerned that she'll never move forward enough to sustain a continued long term relationship. At some point she'll just say she can't get over the pain and the hurt and that it's not fair to either her or me.

However, she also says she wants to move forward, and that she recognizes that after our discussions I'm a completely changed person bearing little resemblance to the person who hurt her (the things she had problems with were well within my control to adjust without a feeling of resentment or a "she's changing me into someone I'm not" feeling). But that she's very concerned because at times - when she triggers - she also sees the person she hates and it's hard to live with this split feeling.

I'd like to help her move forward. I've suggested that we cover this topic at our monthly marriage counselor meeting. Everything I've read says it's a bad idea to have a different individual counselor while going through marriage counseling as they will not be privy to all sides of an issue and may disrupt advancements in couples sessions.

But what else can I do to help her move forward? Are there books people would suggest she reads that will help her let go of the past and move towards forgiveness and positivity? Websites? Blogs? Videos? I don't want to tell her what to do because that might come across as controlling, so that's why I'm asking YOU. Any suggestions would be appreciated!

Thanks so much, and sorry for the long post!

If your wife feels she has ptsd then she does. She needs a Therapist to process her feelings about you and the marriage. She can’t work it all out in front of you , nope ! You would also benefit seeing a Therapist yourself. You need to work and build coping skills so you don’t fall back and make poor comments again.

My husband and I thought our marriage was over , my husband said a lot of horrible things over time and we had a huge fight .. I needed months in Therapy to process it and it was ptsd , I was constantly having flash backs to a fight or him treating me poorly and I needed help to decide if I could get past it all and not hold it against him in any future disagreements and honestly be able to fully trust him again.

Once someone destroys trust and respect, that is what happens when someone acts the way you did. It’s like crumbling up a piece of paper and then try to flatten it back down and it look like brand new, it can not be done, people can decide to trust and love again .. but that truly takes time. A few months probably isn’t enough time for her to believe you honestly have changed.. Actions speak louder than words.

My marriage? ... We were able to salvage it and it’s much stronger that it ever was. But honestly it took me probably a year to truly trust that we had both made changes that would last in our marriage.

You need to give her time to heal. I truly think she needs to have a Therapist of her own.

Good luck

I think that seeing a therapist individually, for both of you would be helpful. I also think that it will take more than a few months for your wife to process her feelings and hurt. She does have PTSD imo

Sorry to be blunt but I have to ask you. what about you do you need to change? how have you contributed to the situation you find yourself in and what is your responsibility in all this? has it ever occurred to you that the one person you can help move forward is YOU? You are not responsible nor in control of what she does, how she feels or when she moves forward.

Again to be straight forward I have to be honest and say the thing that concerns me more than the issues your wife has is, that you seem to focus all the attention of problems in the marriage on your wife needing to change and nothing in the post seems to suggest that you feel you' need to do much of anything other than helping her "move forward" I'm sorry to say this but rarely in a marriage or any other relationship is it entirely one person's fault.

It makes me wonder one thing that I think perhaps should be brought up with your therapist. Could part of the problem be that you do this? I can't say for sure but in the way that this post is written it makes me wonder if your wife is the victim of the blame game and might be a big reason for the problems in the marriage.

I say this all with the intention not to blame or make you feel bad but honestly to help you to look at the big picture and find the solution to your problems in your marriage and solve them. I hope this help and if I'm completely off, please just toss this post