[*Beth*]

There is a woman with whom I've been very close friends for half a century (basically, all of our lives). She's a terrific mom and has two adult children, just like I do. I've always thought of her as someone with high ethics and decent morals. I've always respected her.

Last week my friend invited me to join a Facebook group she moderates. I agreed. It's a private group, and as soon as my request to join was accepted I found out that the group is an "adults only" group. Erotica that (in my opinion) is demeaning to both women and men. Encouraging inappropriately invasive "games" (example: "Truth: would you rather...or..." and the answers are about certain sexual acts). So, you get the idea.

I find the group totally offensive, ignorant, and revolting. On top of that it's very triggering for me.

I've quietly stopped participating in the group (after 1 upsetting day of trying to fake my interest so as not to hurt my friend's feelings).

I know she's going to ask me why I'm not posting there. I don't know what the heck to say. The word "triggering" wouldn't mean anything to her. If I tell her that I find the group unappealing she's going to be offended. But I definitely do not want to be a part of the group. I don't even want my name associated with it. In addition, the group's content is so superficial and depressing to me.

Does anybody have ideas for a gentle, but clear, way to tell my friend that I'm not interested in her group? (I'll avoid telling her that I'm surprised and saddened that she even participates in such a creepy group.)

[lightly toasted]

Gosh, what a shock, eh?!

When I've been put on this sort of spot, I just simply say "Sorry, It's just not my thing" and leave it at that.

This must be so awkward for you, things like this really change how you see a person you've known for years. It can make one yearn for the days of just not knowing about this. And you scratch your head thinking "Why would she think I'd be into this sort of thing?"

[bpcyclist]

I would agree with lightly above. Just come up with your version of, "It's just not something I'm really interested in pursuing at this time, but thank you for the offer."

Polite, but still taking action that is in your interest. If she is offended by that, well then, Maybe she isn't exactly entirely who you imagined she was.

[*Beth*]

Thanks to both of you. Yeah, the shock I feel...it makes me sad. I thought she was I dunno...something different. Honest and sweet, I guess. Now I find that she has this unsettling dark side.


The thing is, if I already know someone has interest in porn and so on, I would know right off what I'm dealing with. Okay. But the objectifying both men and women...it's just not okay with me.

Hopefully, she won't notice if I'm not in the group much...or the group will collapse on its own. If she asks I'll say what you both have suggested.

[LiteraryLark]

Erotica and BDSM is not everyone's cup of tea. It does not make it wrong. You may want to find it flattering that of all the years she's known you, she has finally worked up the courage to invite you into being part of an aspect of sexuality she enjoys. On the other hand, she should have communicated with you before inviting you to an erotic group of that nature.

You may want to tell her, "I appreciate the offer and I respect your interest in this activity and I am grateful you trust me enough to be open with me about this, but this is not something I would like to be part of and would prefer not to discuss this topic on Facebook."

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by LiteraryLark

Erotica and BDSM is not everyone's cup of tea. It does not make it wrong. You may want to find it flattering that of all the years she's known you, she has finally worked up the courage to invite you into being part of an aspect of sexuality she enjoys. On the other hand, she should have communicated with you before inviting you to an erotic group of that nature.

I'm not referring to BDSM or empowering erotica. I don't have objections to those sexual expressions. I don't know why you think I am referring to alternative sexuality.

The creepy sexuality in the group is exactly that...creepy. I am bothered by stereotypical "sexy" soft porn photos that demean both men and women. I don't appreciate memes that stigmatize mental illness by their usage of out-dated terms for people who have a mental illness, or calling a psychiatric hospital a "house of nuts."

It hurts, and it's triggering to me. I feel a sense of hopelessness when I find out that some people think racist jokes are funny, that "crazy people" are a joke, that women are nothing but sexual objects.

The group is not about cool stuff; it's not cool, at all.

I am not only displeased about my friend inviting me to join the group, I'm saddened that she doesn't have more self respect.

You may want to tell her, "I appreciate the offer and I respect your interest in this activity and I am grateful you trust me enough to be open with me about this, but this is not something I would like to be part of and would prefer not to discuss this topic on Facebook."

Yes, that's a good way to respond. I would feel great if I could tactfully explain to her that the reason she keeps meeting men who are disrespectful and abusive to her is because the places she looks in to meet men are not healthy places. I feel sad that any woman - or anyone - has such a poor sense of self. I'm sad when someone I know is a truly special person equates her sexual self with being abused and degraded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[LiteraryLark]

Beth, you didn't describe this group at all other than "creepy". How am I supposed to know what the group is about?

[sarahsweets]

Beth can you share a little more about why its creepy?

[Discombobulated]

I think what I'm taking from this is that the main issue seems to be she invited you to join a group and didn't explain to you what it was about.

Would it have felt different if she had talked to you in person beforehand and you had got to discuss between you about her group?

[LilyMop]

Are you certain it would hurt her feelings if you said you don’t want to be part of this group? Not everybody shares the same interests. Would she be interested in joining every group or hobby that you enjoy? It’s not likely. It doesn’t seem reasonable to me that she should be upset if you just tell her this isn’t something you enjoy.

[rechu]

I agree with the others that said, just say something like it's just not something of interest to me. It's not like you're required to like all the same things.

[divine1966]

I think it’s pretty easy to just tell people you are not interested. If someone tells me to join knitters group I’d say I am not interested. I don’t knit. Same here. Just not your thing.

I’d be careful about passing judgements though. Unless she condones illegal stuff, I don’t see what morals have to do with it. I don’t see how it makes her immoral. Hopefully everyone in that group is an adult and no one is forced to do anything. So since it’s not your thing just don’t partake. No big deal

I went back and reread what you posted after you received an advice. Apparently this group are all racists and bigots who degrade others because of their MI. You originally said this group was about erotica that you find immoral. You got responses based on your original post.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by BethRags

There is a woman with whom I've been very close friends for half a century (basically, all of our lives). She's a terrific mom and has two adult children, just like I do. I've always thought of her as someone with high ethics and decent morals. I've always respected her.

Last week my friend invited me to join a Facebook group she moderates. I agreed. It's a private group, and as soon as my request to join was accepted I found out that the group is an "adults only" group. Erotica that (in my opinion) is demeaning to both women and men. Encouraging inappropriately invasive "games" (example: "Truth: would you rather...or..." and the answers are about certain sexual acts). So, you get the idea.

I find the group totally offensive, ignorant, and revolting. On top of that it's very triggering for me.

I've quietly stopped participating in the group (after 1 upsetting day of trying to fake my interest so as not to hurt my friend's feelings).

I know she's going to ask me why I'm not posting there. I don't know what the heck to say. The word "triggering" wouldn't mean anything to her. If I tell her that I find the group unappealing she's going to be offended. But I definitely do not want to be a part of the group. I don't even want my name associated with it. In addition, the group's content is so superficial and depressing to me.

Does anybody have ideas for a gentle, but clear, way to tell my friend that I'm not interested in her group? (I'll avoid telling her that I'm surprised and saddened that she even participates in such a creepy group.)

Have you thought about explaining I'm sorry but this is not the right group for me for reason I can not explain I do value out friendship and I want to thank you for inviting me.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by lightly toasted

Gosh, what a shock, eh?!

When I've been put on this sort of spot, I just simply say "Sorry, It's just not my thing" and leave it at that.

This must be so awkward for you, things like this really change how you see a person you've known for years. It can make one yearn for the days of just not knowing about this. And you scratch your head thinking "Why would she think I'd be into this sort of thing?"

That is great advice.

[*Beth*]

I really don't want to have to go into trigger warnings by giving detailed descriptions, so I'll just say that the group is triggering for me. It crosses boundaries for me. I am extremely uncomfortable with objectifying women (and men). I will not tolerate racism, and don't find racist jokes amusing.

Why am I disappointed with my friend? Because I have never known her to find amusement in objectifying anyone, nor have I ever known her to be racist. Her cousin made her a mod for the group and I feel like my friend is succumbing to peer pressure.

This thread is going in a direction that is causes me stress that I really can't cope well with right now. I appreciate the support. I will tell my friend that the group is just not for me. The "knitting" example makes perfect sense.

With that, I'm asking that we allow this thread to stop. Thanks very much.

[nicoleflynn]

You don't owe her an explanation, but if she asks (the keep it simple rule), and simply say you arent interested, if she pushes you for more information, repeat yourself

[poshgirl]

Agree with others, the simple answer is it doesn't interest you. Finding out she has a predilection for something you find unacceptable has come as a shock after being friends for so long.

Life, with or without social media, will always deliver surprises or shocks. You have the choice whether to join in or not. How she accepts your comment will show how strong your friendship is.

Whilst reading posts on this site, I've received a message from a member of the website where I write a blog. To say I was shocked by what he'd written is an understatement, as my contact with this guy has only ever been on social media. Will be interested to see if moderator passes any comment. Some people feel the need to say something instead of keeping quiet!!

[FluffyPuppy]

The porn industry capitalizes on people who are vulnerable and tries to get them to place their significance and validity on having sexual partners, experiences or consuming pornographic content which only destroys our individual self-esteem and our intimate relationships with others. You don't need to give an explanation about why you don't want to be a part of something like that. But, if you feel you must I would just keep it short and straight up "I'm not interested in this".

+ When you get some time check out the organization Fight The New Drug, might be something you're interested in as well. Home - Fight the New Drug