[walkingby]

Hi everyone,

I've been dating a narcissist (man) for some years now, we're both aduts, over 40.

It's exhausting, we live in separate places now, but I lived with him a few years ago and it was exasperating.

The demands, the bossiness, the teasing, the fights, the jealousy, the control and the physical "play" (pinching, biting, and so on...)...


Now
Most of the times,we laugh and are ok with each other, he's supportive, and we're like friends, like "dudes" actually.
Fine to some extent, because I don't enjoy being the dude. He doesn't see me as a woman.


And we diverge in things that to me are important - like honesty and empathy, (which leads to political and sociological views).


He treats people like crap, he takes advantage of them, cons them if he needs to, he's racist, sexist, and he's almost always complaining, shouting, and insulting someone. He's never available when I need him in important stuff - stuff I do for him...


We don't have any intimacy anymore. We don't do anything together, because he's a real antisocial person. He hates everything and everyone. He always finds an excuse to avoid it.
We only spend one night a week together, at my place.


Yet, I live in the moment. So I tend to ignore the past and the future.

And in the moment, I'm fine so I just go with the flow.


But every time he shows me these abusive traits, I ask myself what am I doing with my life?

Still, I can't break up. I can't evaluate this decision properly. I know were not compatible. He's not healthy, but I like some aspects of his personality

I feel like I can deal with it one day at the time, so I let it flow.


What is wrong with me? Should I really be this permissive? Am I too positive for what this really is?

thank you

[Skeezyks]

Hello walkingby: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this difficult relationship. My own personal opinion, for what it's worth, is you really need to just dump this guy once-&-for-all. But that is just my opinion. Here are links to 9 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of help in gaining some perspective on your situation & what to do about it:

Repetition Compulsion: Why Do We Repeat the Past?

Why Do We Repeat the Same Dysfunctional Relationship Patterns Over and Over? | Happily Imperfect

The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists

The Codependent/Narcissist Dance: The Perfect Partnership

How to Leave a Narcissist or Abuser

https://psychcentral.com/blog/you-de...-relationship/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...p-and-move-on/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-do...-a-narcissist/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/liber...ssistic-abuse/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[sarahsweets]

@walkingby

Originally Posted by walkingby

The demands, the bossiness, the teasing, the fights, the jealousy, the control and the physical "play" (pinching, biting, and so on...)...

Do you consider this abuse?

He treats people like crap, he takes advantage of them, cons them if he needs to, he's racist, sexist, and he's almost always complaining, shouting, and insulting someone. He's never available when I need him in important stuff - stuff I do for him...

Are you racist and sexist? If you are not I do not see whay you would tolerate that in another person.

We don't have any intimacy anymore. We don't do anything together, because he's a real antisocial person. He hates everything and everyone. He always finds an excuse to avoid it.
We only spend one night a week together, at my place.

How is this a relationship? How is this even a friendship?

Yet, I live in the moment. So I tend to ignore the past and the future.

And in the moment, I'm fine so I just go with the flow.

How are you fine in the moment? How are you fine with someone who is racist, sexist with someone who treats other people like crap?

But every time he shows me these abusive traits, I ask myself what am I doing with my life?

Does he show this behavior to you a lot?

Still, I can't break up. I can't evaluate this decision properly. I know were not compatible. He's not healthy, but I like some aspects of his personality

This sort of thing is classic narcississm and gaslighting and confusing. How would you feel about this if your child, sister, mother dated a person like this?

[walkingby]

Thank you, Skeezyks.
There are also more threads like mine recently. I'm curious to read.
But I've read some of the articles and read a lot about narcissism and relationships in the last years. The part where I don't fit the mold is: I don't have low self esteem or a past of an abusive family.

His behavior is very strange to me. He's not at all like my family. We're nice, happy, democratic, we say what we have to say but politely for fairness. But I learned to be way to tolerant, way too acceptable. My family doesn't like this relationship, but they try not to hurt my feelings.
I'm a strong feisty woman, I fight for my rights, I defend other people's rights. I never ever thought this kind of person existed and would cross my path.

The part where he doesn't fit the mold is: he has tidbits of feelings and compassion. He's not a complete jerk. Just very unhealthy. And I have to keep pulling that side out.


sarahsweets, you are right.

That's how my rational side talks to me. That I can't tolerate this, but as I say, I tend to let it go, to dismiss it.
He says he makes racist remarks just to tease me (which isn't surprising - in fact, he's doing more and more to tease me, but I know he is racist) , so now I tell him "I'm not annoyed, I'm just disappointed with you, I thought you were smarter". This touches his buttons. so he thinks twice.
I fight back, I'm assertive with him, and I think he tries to be better. And that tells me he's not a complete lost case. But...is it my job to do this?


We're friends. He is supportive, he calls me everyday, and we see each other sometimes, if he stops by, before going home, to say hi...


But...I tend to ignore the bad stuff after have happened. I don't care. I have other stuff to do and think about.

So I only see the abuser when he is abusive. I also don't live with him, so the distance protects me from that side.
When we lived together it would be easier to break up, because it was unbearable.

When I think about breaking up, I think I'm being mean. Or if I think I deserve better, I'm afraid I'm being too demanding, or only seeing the bad stuff...


I obvious have a twisted way of seeing things.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome to pc

[walkingby]

Thank you

[Fuzzybear]

Abusers want us to think we are “too demanding”....