[LilyMop]

Do you feel uncomfortable when people ask you personal questions? I just don’t like sharing very much at all in social or work settings and I feel awkward when people ask direct questions about my personal life.

What are some coping strategies you use for this if it bothers you? Does it make you feel isolated from people if you don’t share with them?

[TishaBuv]

There are ways you can share a little and come across as warm and friendly without divulging too much.

I’m not so good at this though. Truth comes pouring out of me too easily, lol.

[LilyMop]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

There are ways you can share a little and come across as warm and friendly without divulging too much.


I’m not so good at this though. Truth comes pouring out of me too easily, lol.

Yeah sometimes I go from one extreme to the other. It’s hard when you have a lot going on personally and you just don’t want to talk about it but you have to share something.

[happysobercrafter]

Gosh, this can be tricky. Sometimes I say something like, so sorry, that is personal or I keep that private. And other times I bust out laughing and walk away.

What do you think you would be comfortable saying?

[SlumberKitty]

Well, sometimes I just turn the question around on the person. So lets say someone asks me what I am doing for the weekend but I really don't want to get into details or get personal with this person. I would say something like, not much, what about you? If the person wants to talk then this is when they usually open up. If it was just friendly chit chat they will probably say something like, yeah me neither. Or if someone asks me if I have children, I might answer, so sorry I don't have time to chat right now I'm working on this really important task. And usually they get the hint. HUGS Kit

[Fuzzybear]

I sometimes turn the question around on the other person too. Hugs

[~Christina]

I’m not thrilled about personal questions as already mentioned turn the question back to them.. my experience? nosey people like to talk about themselves.

[ZenStream]

Originally Posted by LilyMop

Do you feel uncomfortable when people ask you personal questions?

No

I just don’t like sharing very much at all in social or work settings and I feel awkward when people ask direct questions about my personal life.

Makes sense. It's about your personal boundaries.

What are some coping strategies you use for this if it bothers you?

N/A

Does it make you feel isolated from people if you don’t share with them?

No


I like Happycrafter's response though: Burst out laughing and walk away. Have done that a few times. People that ask those sorts of questions are generally aware that they are over the line to begin with, but will push to see how far you will cave in. And laughing, throws them off balance.

@LilyMop- your mouse avatar is cute.

[LilyMop]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’m not thrilled about personal questions as already mentioned turn the question back to them.. my experience? nosey people like to talk about themselves.

That’s a good point. I have noticed that sometimes people ask questions just to start conversation and not because they really care what I have to say. Sometimes people probe though. I’m getting a lot better with vague answers or changing the subject.

[LilyMop]

Originally Posted by SlumberKitty

Well, sometimes I just turn the question around on the person. So lets say someone asks me what I am doing for the weekend but I really don't want to get into details or get personal with this person. I would say something like, not much, what about you? If the person wants to talk then this is when they usually open up. If it was just friendly chit chat they will probably say something like, yeah me neither. Or if someone asks me if I have children, I might answer, so sorry I don't have time to chat right now I'm working on this really important task. And usually they get the hint. HUGS Kit

Thank you for those tips. Those are excellent examples. I do actually get kind of irritated when people ask me what I’m doing over the weekend. I’m sure most people are just making conversation. I think some people are making comparisons though. Some people ask lots of questions because they want to know how your life measures up to theirs. That’s they way I feel anyway. And lately I’ve been feeling really inadequate so I’m probably over sensitive.

[LilyMop]

Originally Posted by HappyCrafter

Gosh, this can be tricky. Sometimes I say something like, so sorry, that is personal or I keep that private. And other times I bust out laughing and walk away.


What do you think you would be comfortable saying?

I’m not comfortable with saying much at all. People are noticing a difference in me. I run into people I knew years ago and I can see in their face that they see a big difference in the way I am now. I never used to be this closed off.

[Iloivar]

Depending on how personal the question is, I'd just be frank with them. Some variation of "I don't want to discuss that if you don't mind"

The other suggestions here are less likely to be met with backlash though since they aren't as direct

[happysobercrafter]

Originally Posted by LilyMop

I’m not comfortable with saying much at all. People are noticing a difference in me. I run into people I knew years ago and I can see in their face that they see a big difference in the way I am now. I never used to be this closed off.

[LilyMop]

Originally Posted by ZenStream

No



Makes sense. It's about your personal boundaries.



N/A

No


I like Happycrafter's response though: Burst out laughing and walk away. Have done that a few times. People that ask those sorts of questions are generally aware that they are over the line to begin with, but will push to see how far you will cave in. And laughing, throws them off balance.

@LilyMop- your mouse avatar is cute.

Thank you! I like that you and Happy Crafter take a fun and lighthearted approach to the whole thing. I’ll keep in mind what you said about people being aware they are pushing too far. Throwing people off balance in these situations is fun. Sometimes I have been able to do it but if people catch me on a sad day I just feel at a loss for words.

[LilyMop]

Originally Posted by Iloivar

Depending on how personal the question is, I'd just be frank with them. Some variation of "I don't want to discuss that if you don't mind"

The other suggestions here are less likely to be met with backlash though since they aren't as direct

It never ceases to amaze me how upset people get when I am direct with them. I often wonder why is it “ok” to ask nosy questions but “not ok” to be direct about not wanting to answer nosy questions??

[poshgirl]

Can fully understand how you feel. A few months ago, a close relative told me "you're like a closed book". To her, I don't talk about what I'm doing. My response was "why don't you ask?"

Unfortunately, I've also had so-called friends who seem to thrive on trying to find out everything about you, whilst giving nothing about themselves. Most times, it hasn't been clever on their part, just a method of getting something to gossip about.

Have learned a lot from these situations. My mother "overshares" about her life, to complete strangers. As a result, she's had to contend with nosy neighbours. When the subject of their interest is removed, they no longer want to know her. My response would have been "go away!"

Was given good advice many years ago "you have two ears but only one mouth, use it wisely"

[Medusax]

I don't talk to anyone (except one who also doesn't talk) at work unless it is work related. Too many motor mouths.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by LilyMop

Thank you for those tips. Those are excellent examples. I do actually get kind of irritated when people ask me what I’m doing over the weekend. I’m sure most people are just making conversation. I think some people are making comparisons though. Some people ask lots of questions because they want to know how your life measures up to theirs. That’s they way I feel anyway. And lately I’ve been feeling really inadequate so I’m probably over sensitive.

I can see why you feel uncomfortable divulging information about yourself with the way that you perceive people's motivations.

I’m sure most people are just making conversation. I think some people are making comparisons though. Some people ask lots of questions because they want to know how your life measures up to theirs. That’s they way I feel anyway.

The way you state the above to me, says a lot about your perceptions. Although your wording seems to say that you acknowledge that "most people" are just making conversations, your follow up seems to emphasize what you generally think people are motivated by and that's comparing your life to theirs and how you or they measure up.

In almost all cases in my experience I've found people tend to ask questions that are the least probing when trying to make conversation to fill the empty space of silence in a situation. When someone asks what i'm doing for the weekend, or, if I ask that it's usually just that. making conversation and filling a void because you're both standing there in the same space and silence in that situation can get weird. If I or, in my experience, other people are trying to get to know me, the more intimate and probing questions will be asked, such as what do you like to do, etc.

Thing is, you should not feel like telling someone what you're doing over the weekend is a personal question, it's really just very superficial like "how are you doing, what do you think of the weather.. " kind of thing. In situations where someone is actually asking more intimate questions about you, you can always say honestly that you're not comfortable talking about such things. if they are respectable people they will not judge you by that and if they do, likely they aren't the type of person you want to be friends with anyway.

[LilyMop]

I’m sure you’re right that most of the time asking about someone’s weekend is superficial. Sometimes though I sense people are fishing for more than that and sometimes people will make judgmental comments. That’s when I get uncomfortable. Sometimes that one question about my weekend opens the door to ask further questions. I’ve noticed that the people I feel most comfortable with don’t ask too many questions and information is just naturally shared over time.

[*Beth*]

I only ask personal questions when I am genuinely interested and caring; when I am trying to create a friendly relationship with the person. I have no ulterior motive, ever. If I don't particularly care I won't ask.

Asking what someone is doing for the week-end is, to me, a polite way to make small talk. I would never compare or judge.

If I asked someone a question and they came back at me with, "I'd rather not talk about it" I would take that to mean they don't want to invite me into their life. I would most likely ignore the person after that, because my initial intention would have been friendly.

[bpcyclist]

I find that you can never really be sure. Even someone who outwardly appears to be somewhat enlightened about the things he or she is asking about may still freak out or be rude or dismissive. I had a fellow PCer ask for details about my story, while suggesting that she/he was really open and interested and brimming with empathy. So, I sent off a couple of paragraphs of very personal stuff, as requested, and never heard another word from him or her again. So, you just don't know.

Do you feel uncomfortable when people ask you personal questions? I just don’t like sharing very much at all in social or work settings and I feel awkward when people ask direct questions about my personal life.

What are some coping strategies you use for this if it bothers you? Does it make you feel isolated from people if you don’t share with them?

I tend to have my guard up with people who ask me personal questions. You can't possibly gauge how the person will use the personal information that you choose to share with them. There's just not fool proof way to protect yourself from gossip or slander, even if you choose to remain mum. People will do or say whatever they want about you, no matter what you do. I realize that's not the answer you're probably looking for but it's the sad truth.

I don't feel isolated from people if I don't share personal information with them. You can have a pleasant connection with someone on a superficial level without delving too deep about your personal life if you really want to.

If you take a risk and disclose personal information about yourself here on the public boards, or in PM with a PC member, you have no control with what happens to that information. That's just human nature. People either respect your boundaries or they won't. No way to forecast who will respect your boundaries or who won't. You just need to take the risk. That is the only way to find out who is trustworthy and who isn't. Based on how they respond. If you reach out to someone and he/she refuses to open up, it could be because they don't like or trust you, or they don't like or trust anyone.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by LilyMop

I’m sure you’re right that most of the time asking about someone’s weekend is superficial. Sometimes though I sense people are fishing for more than that and sometimes people will make judgmental comments. That’s when I get uncomfortable. Sometimes that one question about my weekend opens the door to ask further questions. I’ve noticed that the people I feel most comfortable with don’t ask too many questions and information is just naturally shared over time.

no matter where you go, and what groups you find yourself in, there will be some that will judge, make assumptions and look at you that way. Acceptance of this is foundational to being able to cope. It is what it is and the fact is if they are judgemental, more than likely they are not fully confident in themselves because most judgmental people tend to do so in order to make themselves feel superior. just let it be and be honest if you feel they are scrutinizing by saying so, that you are not comfortable talking about that or just dont' want to.

[FluffyPuppy]

I use to feel like that LilyMop, but I watched Brené Brown's TED Talk called the Power of Vulnerability a few years ago and it kind of changed how I interacted with people the rest of my life.. I think It can be such a scary thing to open up to others and be personal and be honest about how we feel or what's going on. Sometimes, we are ashamed of how we feel or the circumstances we're in, the world is a judgmental place; Maybe you are afraid to be vulnerable?

So many people will abandon ship as soon as they see something in you that they don't agree with. I used to feel embarrassed about a lot of the things I dealt with. All of my mental illnesses that have impacted me everyday in my life. I use to not want to let others get to know me and the person I really was inside. Which was a imperfect and hurt person. But, some how, some way and some day I just decided to let go of what others thought about me at least in the sense of letting them dictate how I'm allowed or not allowed to feel and it doesn't matter if they accept it or not because they're my feelings and my experiences and I will continue to share and be personal because maybe someone will feel less alone if they hear me out.

I've also discovered something great in allowing myself to be personal. It creates better relationships with others and it allows them to be open, honest and personal back to you. Not many people want to make the first step but someone has to. Would be nice if we could all allow ourselves to just share the real issues, honest thoughts because we all want to feel heard in the world. It gets tiring acting like everything is okay when it really isn't.