[jazza1]

How do I overcome the void in my life that my husband filled. After 33 years numerous seperations, 2 children with disabilities. Even though there have been countless cheating, lies alcohol and gambling. Lost our house last year due to him having an affair with a woman who lived in the same street. I have given in and given him so many chances. Last year believing he still loved me and always telling me so we went on a cruise to New Zealand as a familyfor2 weeks. Thinking things were great making plans for future holidays together without the boys, he got trashed New Year’s Eve told me he did not love me anymore and only came on the holiday to c how he felt about me but also to jump off and commit suicide . I was heartbroken . For the first. time he has not had a drink in a month and is going to counseling
How do I move on. I know I have too but I am so lonely and lost.

[winter4me]

You have been used to what sounds like a life on-the-edge, lots of stress, and always some potential blow up to deal with...
This can be hard to let go of even if it will be much healthier for you to let go---find activities that you can enjoy alone and with others (tours, meet-ups, local events)--I think it is important to get out and find activities that use time and energy (?crafts?physical activities?volunteering)--- a good female therapist could be a real help. ((((hug)))

[continuosly blue]

Those 33 years are gone , no matter what happened during that time period.
The most important thing right now, I believe, is for you to learn how to love yourself and live without your partner or anyone else for that matter.
Right now it’s all about survival , YOUR survival.

[Have Hope]

You need to find your own joy and happiness now. He filled a void but it was an unhealthy and toxic relationship. Now it's time to find YOU again and to create a life for yourself that makes you happy. Think of it not as a loss, but as a gain..... you are regaining yourself and your rights to a happier healthier life. He is really bad news. Think of it in that way.

[Open Eyes]

It's been high time jazza1 that you have been finally able to be set free from the cage you were trapped in. Basically, what you are actually dealing with is not knowing how to live without the cage you were trapped in due to your husbands ongoing issues. It's similar to someone finally getting out of jail after being incarcerated for 33 years. They genuinely do not know any other way to live their lives and they are free but don't know what to do with their freedom.

The lonely and lost feeling you have is not about ever really being loved the way you deserved. It's not really like losing a "loving" husband either. You did not even have a chance to love yourself, discover yourself either, your life was literally all about him. Truth is, you were always alone, you just did not know it. It's time to self discover, to learn how to love yourself and maybe for the first time ever. Anything that is NEW to us brings uncertainty and fear and a sense of "being lost". The key is, take it one day at a time and finally just find YOURSELF.

A good place to start is by going to alanon meetings and see if their are recovery groups for codepency. You my dear have lived your life being a codependent, time to heal from that existence. It's a good way to meet others like you also looking to heal and grow.

[downandlonely]

I can't imagine how hard it must be, but I hope in time you'll realize this was for the best and is a new beginning for you.

[jazza1]

Thankyou for your reply I am taking everything on board and will slowly but surely take control of my life

[eskielover]

I left my now ex after 33 years. Best thing I ever did. Wish I had done it sooner but it was not possible.

One of the first things that hit me was NOW I am free to just be me & to explore what had been basically hidden inside me for alk my life.

I have lived alone for the past 12 1/2 years with my doggies. I moved 2100 miles awsy from where I had lived all my life to a town where I knew no one. Have become involved in many volunteer activities & have met wonderful, caring people, better than I ever knew all my life. It's not that I didn't have a computer engineering career during my married life but my life tied to my now ex was stressful & being away from that showed me how stressful it had been.

Looking back, I remember all the things I did & travel experiences I had but never once do I think about him as being part of the experiences even though he was there. I did the things & they were MY experiences to look back on.

There has honestly not been one day since I left him that I have felt lonely. That was my biggest clue after moving to my little farm that I would never consider going back to him. Several months after I moved, I remember thinking one day....."wow, I never even think about him or wonder what he is doing. The saying, absence makes the heart grow fonder.....definitely not true". I finally realized the peace I had actually been feeling since I had left.

It is important to be aware of all the feelings you experience & not just the fact that you don't have him around you like you did for so long. Being alone & having your independence to realize the you that has been hidden inside for so long is a real blessing to embrace.

[s4ndm4n2006]

About 20 years here and wife is finally moving out in a week. Then divorce that I've been waiting for for many years now. (in a nutshell, in this state you have to live separately for 12 months before you can do it) So... the past 3 - 4 yrs she's lived in my place, but we have not been "together" we are not romantically involved nor have any desire to be. previous to that was a rocky marriage, suspected cheating on her part and extreme jealousy again on her part though I've always been faithful. even being not together I don't date yet or pursue other women yet.

That being said, I know that even as bad as it was, over 20 or so years, it has been the norm, so I am facing the similar thing you are. Not sure it will be loneliness I deal with but the void that will be there of her presence, even as much of a thorn in my side as she has been for so long. That thorn had become part of my daily expectations and so that being gone it, it will be a challenge.

If your marriage was a problematic relationship for a long time, no matter what it feels like it's a good thing. focus on yourself, your newfound freedom and do what you want with your life for once! Won't be easy, but you can move on.