Leaving a toxic relationship ~ why is it so difficult?

I’m 6 out of 10 and used to be 8/10. I stopped thinking either of us will change. But it’s more a compatibility problem than abuse. Also it’s a realistic assessment of worth and expectations.

As for keeping quiet about it. I regret having done the opposite.

A person can always work on strengthening their weaknesses and faults... we're all a work in progress as we journey through life, after all.

i think what constitutes "bad enough" is different for everyone. my "bad enough" happened after 20 years of marriage to a drinker and cheater. what took me so long? i honestly do not know. fear of being alone, not confident enough to end it, feeling i deserved the relationship i was in...the list is extensive and i still, to this day (we've been apart for around 7 years now, but remain friends) cannot explain why i put up with what i put up with for so long. and i sometimes wonder if i made the right choice to end it...

@kitkat620, why would you want to be with a cheater and someone with a drinking problem? That just sounds like loneliness talking, which can be a powerful pull even when we know the person is toxic.

@kitkat620, and hugs to you... my apologies for being short in my reply earlier.... I was on a work break and wrote very quickly.

The answer has a lot to do with self esteem and emotional issues.

My husband is a really good man. It’s more like you have a right and left arm, and you can’t get the left arm to cooperate with what you want it to do. Relationships are hard (at least for me). He is not anything that someone would run from. For us, it’s an issue that is the combination of the two of us... the addiction is TV, laziness, boredom, complacency, lack of meeting each other’s needs. It was a “you go first, no you go first” all the time over intimacy and generally. It’s just infuriating to me.

But I have to work on my patience and expectations. Maybe there is something wrong with me and that’s why I am bothered. Anyone else would be happy. I’m too flawed and hate that I am unappreciative of how much good I really do have. You all would slap me.

A long time ago, when I was single and young, I waited patiently and hung on with alcoholic, cheating guys who didn’t really care for me. So, just low self esteem.

I know some people profess their relationships are so ideal, and maybe they tell the truth, but I’ve sure never seen one.

Respect to all who leave and who stay. You can’t judge until you walk in someone’s shoes.

That's why I said I am not throwing stones here, because I have been that person who stayed too long in a toxic relationship, or who went back again and again for more abuse. So I am no one pointing fingers, which is what I stated in my original post.

But having walked in those shoes several times over, I do have experience in this kind of relationship -- and lots of it.

And it's hard to watch others go through the same pain I did. If I can help them to avoid that pain, I will do whatever I can. I hate watching others suffer.

And yes, I understand you have a mixed kind of relationship -- with toxic and non-toxic elements. It's true that no relationship is perfect. Not in the least. And people who say it is? They're lying and pretending.

I just wanted to add and I know I'm late here: I was involved in an abusive relationship. I truly loved him. I did. I always kept trying to make it work. Always. I'd be crying a lot of the time, trying to make it work.

Never knew that it was toxic or abusive, I honestly believed that I was the bad one and that everything was my fault. For so many years I kept going back to him, over and over again. The patterns were always there, I just never could see it clearly because my mind was so confused by everything. But I didn't realize it was all apart of the abusive. The lying, the covering up, the excuses, manipulation, guilt tripping, everything.

For so many years I blamed myself and always kept trying to hold onto what we had left, which was barely nothing by the end. Because I was so worn out by everything. He made fun of me one the way to go to the store. On the drive there, I kept thinking of all the good times we had together. We did have good times, but it was very very rare. The moment he went into the store, I knew I had to get out, because I was so tired of him treating me so horribly.

Whatever you do. Do not blame yourself. I'm simply just sharing what I been through. You are important and please know that.

Thank you for sharing your story, @Amethyst_Stargazer. Hugs to you.

I am sure you are not alone in that situation. I am sure many, many women felt or feel the way you did.