[LMo]

Ok, I "get it" intellectually. Still having a hard time coming to grips with it emotionally, though.

My dad is very, very sick at this point. For anyone following my story, he has terminal brain cancer and is 84. He's been deteriorating rapidly, and at this point can't do much for himself - can't walk, go to the bathroom alone, eat, or really even talk. He sleeps most of the time and fades in and out of lucidity when awake. When lucid, fortunately, he does still recognize us and can express happiness when touched or visited with. That part is actually an improvement over a month ago.

My brother is absolutely devastated by my dad's condition. He is sleeping with him and giving him 100% care - he's truly being terrific. However, he is also grating on my nerves about how only he could possibly understand the best way to care for my dad. He pretty much shoves my stepmom and me aside and snaps at us for doing it wrong (whatever "it" is that we're doing for my dad - talking, feeding, cleaning, whatever). It's undermining and condescending.

True - I don't feel as strongly about my dad as my brother does. We never had a great relationship and it has been especially strained over the past 8 years since I met my husband. But I am trying my absolute best, and am flying 3000 miles each way every other weekend, while pregnant, to be with my parents to provide support. I'm really doing everything that I can, but I'm feeling extremely inadequate right now. Rather, I don't feel inadequate myself, but inadequate in my brother's eyes. Why do I care? I don't know.

I spent all of Saturday, Sunday and Monday baking Hungarian desserts as a Christmas present for my dad (what else do you get for someone who is dying? never have been presented with such a conundrum before). Literally, it consumed at least 10 hours in total. I made some really good stuff, and researched to figure out what desserts are traditional for Christmas and ensured that my recipes were authentic. Then I carefully packaged and brought them with my on my flight from the west coast to Philadelphia.

My brother bought my dad a german Stollen (another dessert) from Trader Joe's. After we opened presents, then again after Christmas dinner, then again for breakfast this morning, I offered my dad some of the Hungarian cakes that I baked, and my brother pushed me aside and said "no, Dad would rather have the Stollen". My dad can't really talk so I don't know what he would have said he would have wanted. For all I know, my brother could be right. But for some reason, this little symbolic dismissal of my effort to connect with my dad is hurting me.

I might have mentioned this one before, but it came up again this morning. My dad never really saw me for who I am but rather for who he wanted me to be. A prime example of this is that starting when I was very young, he always told me that I would going to become a professional concert pianist. He taught me how to play the piano and I was required to take lessons until I was 15 (and my mom died, leaving him with other things to deal with other than enforcing my lessons). Truly, I have no musical talent. Mechanically, I can play the piano in the sense that I can read music and make the sounds come out as they are written on the page. But that's not the same as talent. Regardless, because he was intent upon having a daughter who would grow up to become a concert pianist, this is the ONLY thing that I remember my dad being proud of me about and spending time with me on. I am now a management consultant and fairly successful at that, but he doesn't seem to be as proud of that as he was when I played piano. My brother never had to take piano lessons. He played sports and was supposed to grow up to become an engineer.

When he retired at age 78 (yeah, I know... 78), his present to himself was an upgrade from a baby grand to a shiny ebony Bosendorfer grand piano. He was thrilled with his piano.

My stepmom, my brother and I were talking the other day about what to do with the house and furniture after my dad dies. My stepmom said that my dad really wants my brother to have the piano. I don't know if that is how my dad really feels or if he said it while confused, but ouch. Needless to say, my brother is making plans to take the piano.

On the upside, I got some really nice things for my baby for Christmas, from both my stepmom and my brother. That was sweet. Up until now, the baby has been the last thing on their minds, which is understandable but still kind of hurts me as a first-time pregnant woman. But this Christmas, they were thinking of me (and her!) and that brought me some peace.

[LMo]

And you know what else gets me? My brother is spending every single second with my dad, because he says any moment could be his last.

ANY moment could be ANY of our last on earth. Call this catastrophic thinking, but I could suddenly hemorrhage, or get hit by a car on the way to the grocery store, or have a heart attack. I've been very, very good to my brother and would throw myself in front of a train for him. After my mom died, my dad continued to work on the west coast, leaving me to take care of my brother, and I guess I have never stopped feeling like I still do that. But right now I am feeling absolutely terrible about my place in this family.

Black sheep indeed.

[Perna]

Any way you and your stepmom can band together? :-) You could agree on which wish of each of you you want to insist on (you could feed your Dad at least one slice, luscious, homemade, Hungarian Beigli and your brother could then go back to insisting on the commercial, German Stollen :-) and your stepmother could choose something that you'd agree to back her on. Or, you two could confront your brother together and make him take a time out for half a day or something and leave the home to you women to take care of your father.

I'd tend to try to shame your brother into realizing that, excuse me, your father and stepmother are adults and got along together without his help for many years. . . so butt out and let your stepmother have some say (and then see if you could get a subset of that).

Or, you could fly a little further here to Maryland and my husband and I would be glad to devour your desserts!

[LMo]

You knew it was a Beigli! I made 2 kinds - poppy seed, and apple/walnut/raisin/apricot!

Thinking about what you said... my brother is so deeply pained by my dad's illness that I'm thinking that this is one time when I probably need to keep my mouth shut and let him be the boss (not easy to do as an older sister). But I'm thinking about it.

I'm thinking about that, and about driving to Maryland ;-)

Thanks Perna

[Perna]

I "cheated" and looked up "Hungarian desserts" and guessed :-) We always had Stollen and the Lebkuchen cookies which I don't care for, for Christmas, as my stepmother was in Germany just after the War for several years so I was fed Rouladin, Wienerschnitzel, Hungarian Goulash (with caraway seeds; I hate caraway seeds!) and other European dishes in my Maryland suburb as a child of 5. Very confusing as my father, after my mother died served us lots of good old American ground beef as in "More More" which was ground beef with canned corn, tomatoes, etc. whatever one had in the pantry all mixed together so it could feed 5 people quick and easily :-) My stepmother though was a gourmet cook so I probably was traumatized by food in that way, LOL.

Still, it's too sad that you wanted to give your father something and your brother is so anxious and stressed that he can't see that he's hurting you :-(

[bebop]

maybe talk to your brother and tell him you would like to spend some time with Dad too. I do understand both sides. I was expected to take care of my mom but I couldn't due to my job. not that she really wanted me there but wanted me to do everything for her.
Your brother is taking this very hard it seems to me. He is wanting to do it all and that is good for him but bad for you. Tell him you are an adult and do know how to do things. His perception is probably a little off right now with the impending death of the last parent. Your mind does funny things to you during times like this. It sounds like it is getting pretty close to the end. be gentle with the brother but do talk to him about how you are feeling as well hon.

[LMo]

heh - you're so resourceful! It still counts... thanks for thinking of me. I also made kifli (crescent roll/cookie things, filled with chestnut cream, poppyseeds, apricot preserves, or cherries) and kolaches (same fillings, different dough and shape).

You summed it up right here:
"you wanted to give your father something and your brother is so anxious and stressed that he can't see that he's hurting you"

My brother is not a bad guy, but he can't see beyond his own grief right now. I suppose compassion is the best action right now.

Thanks for sticking with me, Perna, and thanks for the reminder

[LMo]

Thanks Bebop - you and Perna see things so clearly. I know that you understand, and I thank you for your wisdom and kindness toward me

Your advice has been appreciated and accepted. Thank you, my friend

[sabby]

(((((((((((( LMo & family ))))))))))))))

What a very difficult situation you are all in and I'm so sorry. I was my mom's main caretaker when she was dying of brain cancer. I know that everyone who is watching a loved one fail looks at their roles differently than the others. It can be hard to mesh them all together so they are working well.

I think you should definitely have a little sitdown with your brother...very lovingly and let him know that your feelings have been hurt by him....telling him you understand how he wants to spend as much time with your dad...but that you and stepmom also want to spend as much quality time with him too. It's possible he has no idea how his actions and words are hurting you and your stepmom right now.

I hope you can find a way to work it all out. And please know that your dad knows what you did for him by baking all those goodies....even if he can't speak most times, he can still think and hear

xoxoxo
sabby

[chaotic13]

((LMo))
This is definitely a time when family relationships go crazy. I agree a good heart-to-heart with your brother maybe along with your stepmother might give you some relief from the situation. Can you talk to him about what your feeling without getting in an argument. Maybe acknowledge the great job he is doing; but that you also want/need to help. Let him know how important it is for everyone to feel like they are contributing and getting a chance to comfort your dad. Let him know that allowing you or your stepmother to provide him with care does not diminish the impact of his compassion and care. By working together you all can support each other. It will allow him some much needed time away to rejuvenate so you all can work together to provide the best care possible. Just some ideas.

As for the expectations your father had/has of you-- feeling like a disappointment or failure in his eyes sucks, been there done that, still doing it to myself 10 years later. Unfortunately parents like to live vicariously through their children and they don't realize the pressure they put on them. Not sure how to deal with this. When I get into this mode I try to remind myself of all the things I have achieved and do well. This helps a little.

Take care

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
LMo said:
Black sheep indeed.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

<font color="purple"> ((( HUGS ))) </font> - Oh how I understand and feel your PAIN.

[GoodMama]

Hi LMo ...

Personally, I think your brother has Caretaker Overload ... a quite UNscientific disorder that comes about when one person is the SOLE caretaker for too long.

I helped my mother care for my father during the last year of his life, then just 8 months later, Mom got cancer and I was her sole caretaker for the next 7 months. Recently, I was asked to take care of my aunt in Florida during her last 10 months. In between, I had times where I could barely take care of myself, but that's another story!

My Aunt was a wonderful woman and has 3 children. Two lived far away and a son in town. He's a very busy attorney, though he stepped up and took her to all her doctor's appts. BUT ... I was the one there 24/7. As she declined, there were were foods she liked better, there were ways to circumvent problems, there were ways to get her out of a bad mood, etc. (Who knew me singing "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" would make her pee?) The thing is, I knew because I was there ... all the time! It was hard to see anyone else help her because I had MY ways ... ways I knew worked. It was hard to let GO.

Eventually, it dawned on me that I needed to get away for a couple of days. Caring for someone 24/7 is the most demanding JOB I'd ever had ... and I'd been with a major law firm before becoming disabled. Her daughter flew down and stayed with us for 2 days as I tried to show her everything that worked. I finally had to realize no harm was going to come to her if I took off a day! She'd be fed, she'd be changed, she'd have clean sheets ... and someone who loved her, too, was going to be doing it.

Maybe your brother feels that way? Like he's the ONLY one who knows because he's the only one who sees your dad every single day, 24/7? Maybe you need to suggest a couple of days away next time you fly out? Let him show you what works with Dad, then assure him Dad will be OK in your care because you love him, too. Promise you'll call immediately if you need help or if Dad takes a bad turn. Tell him he will be a better caretaker when he comes back refreshed! He doesn't need to go far ... even a close, nice hotel would work. He needs the break, Big Sis!

(((((((LMo))))))) You're doing a fabulous job, too! Keep up the good work and know I'm thinking of you. God promised He wouldn't give us more than we can handle, so stay strong and trust in Him.

GoodMama

[LMo]

Thanks Sabau - I've talked to my brother about this in the past. To my surprise, he does take mature ownership over his actions and their effect on others. You're right - I probably need to remind him and have faith that he'll adjust accordingly.



I asked my dad this morning, as he was struggling to say something, whether he is having a hard time thinking or speaking. He said he can't find words. It was heartbreaking - how frustrating that must be for him

Thanks for your support

[LMo]

Hi McKell - thanks for your reply and for sticking through my endlessly long post...

I'm comfortable and satisfied with my own achievement and feel no insecurity about that. It just would have been nice to hear it from my dad. But I'm sure that there is a fatherly part of him that's proud of me despite all "failed" attempts to "guide" me in the "right" direction. I suppose that you and I should just go with that theory, right?

Thanks for your support - I appreciate it

[LMo]

Thanks ((( Rhapsody )))

you are a good friend - thank you for your support

[LMo]

Hi GoodMama - thank you so much for lending your ear (eyes?) and your perspective.

The ironic part is that my brother is NOT the primary caretaker. He doesn't see my dad much more than I do -- my parents live on the east coast, my brother in the midwest, and I on the west coast. My brother and I have alternated visits each weekend to give my stepmom some relief. He is able to get here faster - his flights are 1.5 hours long while mine are 10, so consequently he typically arrives on a Friday and leaves on Monday morning without missing work, but I don't effectively get here until Saturday morning and leave on Sunday or Monday morning, sometimes having to miss 1-2 days/work because of the travel. So I guess he does get a bit more time with my dad, but not that much more than I do. My stepmom is the one who has to manage things day in and day out. My opinion is that SHE should be respected as the one in charge, by virtue of being both his wife and his primary caretaker. But once my brother arrives on the scene, he tends to shove her/us aside and take over, sometimes undoing decisions she has made without consulting her.

Actually, she isn't as upset about it as I am. She and I are going to go grocery shopping in a little while and I will ask her about it. For all I know, she may be relieved to not have to be responsible for a little while. I guess I'm just feeling protective about her since I am not as deeply involved as she is physically or my brother is emotionally.

But about me -- those emotions are running deeper. Getting out of the house for an hour may help me. I think I might go for a walk for a little while and get some exercise and clear my head. I think I had mentioned that my dad hasn't really shown that he understands that I'm expecting his first grandchild, and this morning I was sitting with him and decided to put his hand on my belly. I told him that his granddaughter was in there and although he didn't say anything, his face lit up. Unfortunately, I started crying really hard and had to leave the room to go get a tissue...

Ok, gotta log off now - feeling overwhelmed - thanks so much though, GoodMama - I appreciate your support

[sabby]

I'm glad to hear that your brother can rationally see what he does and how it affects others. Good sign of maturity and self identity too.

How heartbreaking to see your dad struggling as he is. I remember my mom going through the same thing. After awhile, she got to the point where she wouldn't or couldn't speak at all. I think that was the hardest part of her illness for me to handle. So I made sure I did enough talking for the both of us....LOL.

(((( LMo )))) if ever you want to vent, feel free to pm me. I am always available and have strong shoulders and good ears

Take good care of YOU hon.


sabby

[curley]

I am so sorry about your dad. But it is sad how much influence our parents have on us no matter how old we get. On one hand we do not want to disappoint them and the other we know we have to live our own life. Now is that love or respect or just pounded into our head since an early age. I think you are giving a lot to help out , especially being pregnant and living so far away.
When I read the part about your brother thinking that he is the only one that can take care of your dad and he knows best etc etc. I laughed! I have very close friends who were in the same situation. I dont know if your brother is older and that may have something to do with it. But the primary care givers seem to take over. And then it is their way or the highway!
You may not have had a great relationship with your dad. And you may not be close friends as well as father and daughter. But do not let anyone make you think he loves you less. I know I do not get along with my mom. She does not really like me..but the love is still there! So do not let anyone fool you about that.

[LMo]

Thanks Curley. I just got off the phone with my brother and he just doesn't understand. He wants me to schedule all of my flights for weekends when he's not going to be able to go, yet he didn't consult me when scheduling HIS, so all of the weekends that are available are several weeks from now. I tried to explain that I'll be 6 month pregnant by then and he got really upset with me and said that I should be able to fly until I'm at least 8 months. Yeah, just because I CAN doesn't mean it's comfortable for me, and for that matter, my dad is unlikely to live more than a few more weeks anyway. My brother just doesn't understand that while his flights are short and cheap, mine are long (usually about 10 hours travel time once I'm on board the plan), cost 2-3 times as much as his do, and I need to miss work each time I do it. Not to mention the fact that it's very uncomfortable to sit for that long, my pregnancy puts me at risk for circulation problems, and I certainly don't want to end up losing my baby if I go into premature labor. I'm 38, not 23 - I need to be a little more careful.

But he doesn't get it and probably can't. However, I've been upset about this for the past few hours since I got off the phone with him and I can't seem to let it go

To answer your questions - he is younger than I am, and he is NOT the primary caregiver. He's just the one who he feels loves my dad the most. That's probably true - I'm not close to my dad and his marriage to my stepmom is one of a more practical nature than deep love. But that's not the point, and I wish I could pound that into his head. He's still my dad and I *am* trying my best, dammit. It hurts that my best isn't good enough