Why do I feel uncomfortable around my friend?

Hello everyone!

I am a 38 year old single woman. I have a friend..not a best friend but more a casual friend..and I have known him for close to a decade. He is 36 and also single. As far as I can tell he is a nice, decent man. I certainly cannot pinpoint anything wrong with him.

Over the years we have met a few times in various restaurants and cafes and I had an ok, if somewhat boring, time with him. Last year though, he invited a bunch of us over to his home. Since then, whenever I make plans to meet up with him, he asks me to come over to his place.

The idea makes sense to me. He lives alone, maybe he feels lonely. Meeting at his place means a more relaxed chat with no time constraint, lots of privacy etc. And yet, in spite of everything, I feel a strange dread about going to his place.

For one thing, his house is out of my way and involves a long commute. Secondly, the architecture of the place creeps me out. The drawing room (where we sit) is a huge space with a high ceiling and no windows. The light is low and a little depressing. Our voices echo. There is no other sound - not even the sound of traffic. Funny as it might sound, this scares me. I feel trapped. I want to leave within an hour but I fear if I leave too soon he might feel bad. The conversation often comes to awkward pauses, and that also adds to the pressure. Most of the time I feel a coldness spread through my heart when I am inside his house - though I can't explain why. I have never noticed my friend doing or saying anything to make me feel uncomfortable.

I have braved my fears and visited him twice. But after that I lost my nerve and keep flaking on him, even though I feel terrible about it. I agree to come and then chicken out at the last moment. I can't tell him that being a grown woman I feel scared of walking into his house! I must be coming across as a douchebag to him.

Can anybody relate to my experience? Do you have any explanation why I am having this fear? I am totally comfortable visiting the homes of some of my other friends, but in general I am introverted. Is that the reason for my discomfort? Please can you help me figure this thing out?

Hi Britedark,

My English is not very good but I hope I can express sufficiently that I myself would be "creeped out" being in such a house and such a room.

Not being a physician or medical professional of any kind, I cannot offer anything that could be relied up.

An uneducated guess on my part . . .If I was a single woman I would be concerned about being alone with a man in a house. If that house sort of "creeped me out" that would add to my discomfort and anxiety.

Being in such a house in a room without windows would add even more to my discomfort and anxiety.

I would "guess" that maybe the cumulative effect of all these things would have an effect too as would being introverted. I myself am introverted.

Permit me a little analogy. A strong rope is made of little pieces of string. Each string by itself isn't that strong but when they are put together in a rope the rope can be quite strong. I think this is called 'converging factors.'

Sadly, I don't know what I would do if I was in your place. I hope others here will have actual suggestions for you.

Something that helps sometimes when I am uncertain about something is doing a cost/benefit analysis. What are the undesirable aspects of continuing in this situation compared to the happy aspects.

If something causes me more distress and anguish than happiness, that will sometimes help me decide on a course of action. Or if the opposite is the case. Perhaps this is too impersonal an approach?

So sorry I could not be really helpful to you. I sure hope you find something that helps you in this situation!

Best to you! -- Yaowen

I can relate. The reason may just be the gloominess & closed in atmosphere or not. It is OK to tell your friend that you feel uncomfortable in a room with no windows and high ceilings, you can say you don't know why, it's not his fault but you would like him to come to yours (see how you feel about him visiting on your turf?) or meet up somewhere to do something------------If able, I think getting out and about would be good. If you are uncomfortable you are and you should, I think, listen to the feeling and acknowledge it. Or you can not mention the feeling and just suggest an alternative to going there --- it is out of your way...why not meet up?

Hi Yaowen,

Thank you for your kind reply! Your English is very good...please don't apologise

Thank you so much for understanding, and for reassuring me that I am not having crazy thoughts! Your analogy about the rope helped me a lot in seeing things clearly. I agree with you - maybe the small things are piling up to make this such a big deal.

As for the cost-benefit analysis, I am feeling reluctant to let go of a friendship for no fault of my friend. So maybe I'll try to meet him in public places and see how that makes me feel?

You have been very helpful to me, Yaowen. You have validated my concern and I can't tell you how good I felt reading your reply. Thank you very much!

Hi winter4me,

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply! Thank you for telling me that it is ok for me to be uncomfortable! I dunno why, but I totally forgot that I had that choice.

I think I will do as you suggested, and ask my friend to come to a restaurant/cafe, like we used to do. Once we meet face to face I will try to gently break to him that I don't like going to his house. I hope he won't take offence..he is usually a rational and chill guy.

Thank you so much, you are wonderful!

Thank you! I was afraid I sounded flip. (and I am one to chicken out, even on dates I make for myself solo)
I think too, that people aren't usually offended when it is clear that it's your feeling and your need to feel comfortable and have an OK time with a friendly acquaintance if possible. (?could he have become agoraphobic?)---you also mention 'boring'---that can add to restlessness, and also a feeling that you don't really "know" the other person in a way..... Let us know how it goes!

I am not sure what the reason may be, @Britedark, but I COMPLETELY agree with ALL the other wise and wonderful posters! Perhaps it is just due to ALL of many small factors cumulating together. Have you had any bad experiences in the pas that may also effect how you feel? It doesn't need to be anything serious, perhaps just some small accidents that have stayed sticked in your mind since then. In any case, if it's making you feel uncomfortable, I'd say to find a compromise with him. Just talk to him about ALL of this and see how it goes from there. Be kind but honest. Tell him that it's not his fault. Tell him that you're still interested in going out with him, perhaps in other public places or perhaps you can see him at your home if that makes you feel more comfortable. Give it a try and please do remember that it's not either your or his fault, it's just something that it is happening to BOTH of you and that may happen to other people as well!! Please do remember that we are ALL here for you! We are ALL rooting for you! We ALL do care about you! We are ALL here to listen as well if you need it! We are ALL Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Britedark, ALL of your Family, ALL of your Friends, your Friend of Yours whom we're ALL talking about right now and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIEND?!

I agree with what everyone else posted. Your discomfort in his house is valid and it is 100% okay to not go back there. I wonder if you are getting some kind of intuitive sense that he is interested in more than friendship and that's part of why you don't want to go there?

It may help to practice saying in the mirror 'No, your place is too far, let's meet halfway at wherever' so you don't keep agreeing to go to his place.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! I don’t remember something like this happening to me except for one time when we stayed in a hotel with a similar architecture and I wasn't comfortable there either. There may be something buried in my subconscious, who knows? However, I WILL meet him in a public place and try to talk about my fear of his house. I'll post updates!

Thanks for your great advice! I will try practicing in front of the mirror.

Also, you are 100% right about the 'more than friendship' thing. He has told me quite openly that he is attracted to me. I have thought about us, and on paper everything looks good. I have known him for years, he is not unattractive and we are both single. Yet I feel extremely reluctant to be more intimate with him. The thought of us getting intimate in that house scares the living daylights out of me! Having said that, my friend hasn't tried to impose anything. He has behaved like a thorough gentleman.

---trust your feelings---

Maybe it isn't so much his house but actually being alone, alone with him.