[Have Hope]

She calls on him to fix her TV. This has happened twice since we've been together and married. He has to go over to her house to reconnect/fix the TV and cable for her, because only he knows how to do it. She also still calls his parents once in a while, and texts my husband on the anniversary of his brother's death. And last night she texted my husband to tell him that he and "his family", not me, are in her prayers during this tough and tumultuous time.

My husband still has a set of crystal at his old house/now her house, so he doesn't want to rock the boat by not replying to her. The last time she called on him to fix the TV, I said that we're married now and that I don't want this rescue mission and damsel in distress routine to continue. He made it clear then that she is not to contact him for anything other than out of necessity.

Granted, yes, it's tough times and she wanted to reach out to make sure he's ok. But of course, I wasn't mentioned in her message, which kind of alerted me and got to me.

I am just really irked by the whole thing and want her to leave us and him alone. Is that too much to ask for? That his ex wife truly be the ex and out of his life completely? Especially since she was severely abusive to him and the fact that they don't have children together? Is it too much to ask that the past be in the past?

[lady411]

You have every right to place healthy boundaries in your marriage with his ex-wife. As I was reading your post I was under the impression that they still had kids together and continued to be in contact for their sake and also for coparenting purposes. I would find it completely unacceptable for my husband to keep any type of communication with his ex. Other than children being involved, there is absolutely no reason for any sort of relationship to be continue after a divorce.
Now his parent’s continued relationship with his ex is up to them but I would have a talk with my parents if they continued a relationship with my ex. Only out of respect for my new spouse.

[divine1966]

Since they don’t have children, I see no reason for them to be in touch, let alone going to each other houses. When people have children, there sometimes are reasons to keep contact even after kids are grown (weddings graduations grandkids etc). Ex and I keep in touch. But certainly not fixing things for each other or what not. So id be livid! That’s not acceptable.

As about families I see no crime for families to interact in a limited fashion. My brother is friends with my ex husband. There is no harm in it. I speak to ex in laws. Granted we share a child, although she is grown up.

I think if people have no children and in addition weren’t like married 30 years they need to not fix anything in each other’s houses and go to each other houses and be in constant contact. That’s crazy. I’d not like it and wouldn’t put up with it. Neither should you imho

[~Christina]

Why cant your husband go collect the set of crystal and bring it home? Then he will not feel he needs to help her.. Is he worried she will break it or something?

As for her not including you in the good wishes?? Just let that go, no need to overthink that, spare yourself the nonsense/drama ..it does not matter in the big picture.

My husband and I do have to deal with his Ex because he has 3 sons.. they are all grown now but there are still times they need to talk about the boys. Same as I still have to talk to my EX about our daughter who is also grown. But if there is no children from that marriage why is your husband helping her with things ??? she could have someone else do? she could hire someone to come fix her tv situation..

[sarahsweets]

I would not be cool with this at all. Is there a reason he cant retrieve whatever she has of his so he can be done with her? If she talks to his family that is her and their business but she doesnt need to talk to him. And they have cable guys for a reason.

[Have Hope]

Thank you, everyone. I greatly appreciate your support! I needed to get affirmation that I'm not nuts for feeling the way I do.

He has helped her with the TV twice simply because he was storing a lot more than crystal at her house, and in chunks, has taken it all out now except for the crystal.

The last time he had to go fix her TV, he was just playing nice so that she wouldn't do anything cruel or break his belongings, which she is known to do.

At that point, I had firmly stated that he needs to get the last of it out. of her house and be done with it. He needs my help packing up the crystals, and we haven't brought it up since. It's still the plan though.

But at this point, I AM livid. I am tired of her sticking herself into our lives like this and popping up every now and again.

It feels like she doesn't want him to forget her, OR that she wants to drive a wedge in between us. Maybe I'm reading far too into things, but that's my female instinct talking. It's just what my instinct tells me.

And every time she DOES pop up it does cause tension between he and I. He keeps telling me he's just playing nice. I know for a fact he has no feelings left for her though, so I don't worry at all about that possibility. She was severely abusive and even hit him many times.

But yeah, it's really annoying and really irksome at this stage. And I don't really think it's that appropriate for her to be contacting her ex in-laws since we're married now. They were never that close to begin with.

We can't go get the crystal now for obvious reasons, but last night I said as soon as this virus stuff blows over, we're heading over there to pack it up.

He also volunteered that once we DO get the crystal, that he will then let her know she is not to contact him again.

So at least I feel supported by my husband in this. He is also very annoyed and angered that she continues to contact him. And he understands my own annoyance.

But what do you all think? Do you think she is trying to drive a wedge between us by continuing to insert herself in our lives? Why else would the ex keep popping up, sending messages of prayers and asking for help with her TV? My husband doesn't think that's what she's doing, but I do.

[divine1966]

Who knows what’s her agenda. Or maybe she has none. How well do you know her? If not at all, then you have no ways of knowing and it’s not important what she does and why.

I understand him wanting to play nice but I think I’d want him to play nice with me, not the ex. He doesn’t sound like a timid shy guy who can’t say no. Keeping you happy and not going mad should be more important than keeping ex nice or protecting stuff he stores there (why is he storing stuff in ex house while married to you, why not get a storage after all this time?). If he is annoyed and angered by ex contacting him, he needs to block her.

Hopefully all of this ends immediately. Put your foot down. He might not grasp how much it upsets you. Well maybe it needs to anger you, not upset you

[Have Hope]

I don't know her except for what my husband has shared with me about her. I've never met her before.

I do understand why he's played nice, and I don't fault him for that. He had his life's belongings at his old house/her house now, these belongings are important and special to him, and he has had to slowly move everything out.

When they first separated and began divorce proceedings, he did not have the financial means to afford a large and expensive storage unit each month. He had a HUGE amount of belongings there, collected from his entire life. So when we first met and got an apartment together, it was the first chance he had to begin moving things out. As it is, he has filled our entire storage room with all his belongings he has retrieved so far, and our storage room is HUGE. That's how much he had there.

It is what it is. I haven't been happy over the situation, but I've had to accept it for what it is. He's tried hard to make me happy but also keep the peace with her, which I can understand. It's not the easiest situation, all around. I really don't blame him or have any anger towards him at all over it. It just is what it is.

He does get how much it upsets me because I get uppity every time she contacts him.

He will most likely block her after we get the crystals. If he doesn't do it on his own, I may ask him to.

I think what got to me the most was asking him to fix the TV more than once. I mean c'mon, really????? She can't have a boyfriend come over and figure it out themselves? She played the damsel in distress, which made me feel it was all on purpose to cause a problem. I wouldn't put anything past her, given the stories I've heard.

And I do care if it's on purpose. If it is, then it's really devious behavior that is impacting ME. I do care and will always wonder if she's deliberately trying to mess with me/us. It's too many little things when added up together, all point to the possibility that it's deliberate.

[divine1966]

Hopefully it ends very soon.

Personally I’d not think why she does what she does, she is of no relevance or importance. To quote my former therapist: “it’s a waste of time trying to figure out why other people do what they do. You may never get an answer. You can only figure out why you do what you do”.

Don’t make this woman more important than she needs to be by thinking about her. She is not worth the energy

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Hopefully it ends very soon.

Personally I’d not think why she does what she does, she is of no relevance or importance. To quote my former therapist: “it’s a waste of time trying to figure out why other people do what they do. You may never get an answer. You can only figure out why you do what you do”.

Don’t make this woman more important than she needs to be by thinking about her. She is not worth the energy

That's a helpful quote from your therapist!

You're right -- she's not worth this much energy. My husband says she's not right in the head.

I really hope this will be the end of it, until he can tell her to not contact him again.

[divine1966]

“Not right in the head” sounds about right. Lol who asks exes to come fix their TVs.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

“Not right in the head” sounds about right. Lol who asks exes to come fix their TVs.

I know, right?!?! Twice! I honestly think she regrets everything and wishes they could still be together. That's what I think. But like you said, there's really no point in trying to figure it out because I'll never really know the truth.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I know, right?!?! Twice! I honestly think she regrets everything and wishes they could still be together. That's what I think. But like you said, there's really no point in trying to figure it out because I'll never really know the truth.

Oh yeah. My husband’s ex lost her gravy train with divorce and finally figured out she couldn’t live on spousal support and welfare and might had to finally get a job so she was freaking out and calling him saying he had to admit he still loves here. Please... we weren’t married yet but were engaged, she heard from the kids about me and then ran into us in town so she was freaking out. Some people have no self respect. He blocked her.

There was more scary drama so I won’t hijack your thread but some people are looney like this

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Oh yeah. My husband’s ex lost her gravy train with divorce and finally figured out she couldn’t live on spousal support and welfare and might had to finally get a job so she was freaking out and calling him saying he had to admit he still loves here. Please... we weren’t married yet but were engaged, she heard from the kids about me and then ran into us in town so she was freaking out. Some people have no self respect. He blocked her.

There was more scary drama so I won’t hijack your thread but some people are looney like this

oh dear God... wow, that's really sad!!! It was far too late for her to realize those things. Drama drama drama!

yeah... some ppl are just bat**** crazy. I just don't want or need it to be MY problem, you know? Like, go away already and just live your life now. Move on.

[sarahsweets]

Hey @Have Hope I am not usually a fan of ultimatums but in this case I do not think it would be wrong. I dont mean a threat of divorce, just some way to let him know what you expect from him.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Hey @Have Hope I am not usually a fan of ultimatums but in this case I do not think it would be wrong. I dont mean a threat of divorce, just some way to let him know what you expect from him.

@sarahsweets, I don't feel I need to give an ultimatum. He's really just tried to keep the peace for the sake of being able to retrieve his belongings without trouble and grief, and he did offer to cut off contact once he gets the crystal out of her house. IF he doesn't cut off contact at that point like he says he will, I will definitely be putting my foot down and will be insistent. I am adamant that this woman needs to go away, leave us/him alone and move on with her life. It's totally inappropriate to continue contacting him.

[Fuzzybear]