[AzulOscuro]

I thought I won’t ever write here about my relationship with my partner.

I’m tired. Why loving a person who doesn’t accept you and it’s all the time telling you off. It’s worst than living with my dad in his worst grumpy period.
These are the things that made me feel far from my partner. I know how much a good person he is but sometimes with me is a tyrant. I’m so much sensitive to cope with this.
I tried to do lots of things to fix things up.
I’m afraid mainly for me, because my mood tend to go down according to how things are going on with people I care.

[Open Eyes]

It’s good that you are willing to share that your partner treats you badly. A good man doesn’t treat his partner the way you are sharing. You deserve to be treated better.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

It’s good that you are willing to share that your partner treats you badly. A good man doesn’t treat his partner the way you are sharing. You deserve to be treated better.

I don’t like to talk about him because he’s a good person.

[AzulOscuro]

It’s said people choose their partners according the parent they struggled with were.
I think I chose unconsciously as that.

[Open Eyes]

Azul, a good person doesn’t treat his partner badly.

[AzulOscuro]

I’m not an innocent pigeon. I had my escape moments, flirting with a couple of online friends and one face to face. It was because I lacked something but I’m not a white pigeon.
I’m not an easy going person at all.
I had had my depressions, my problems of social phobia a other psychological issues and I guess this is very hard to cope with when you are the other person. You feel frustrated. You don’t know how to help.

I have a pretty dependent personality,
it was all wrong since the first day I met him face to face.
I know I’m very sensitive and this is the excuse I grab.

[AzulOscuro]

Sometimes, he seems so sweet. He tells me how pretty I am and how a marvellous person I am but most of the times it feels as if he wanted to change me.
He wants to do with my hair style, the clothes I have to wear, how I have to make up...I’m not a flowerpot, I’m a woman and for me the most important is complicity, communication, affection.

[Open Eyes]

Not to change you, but have you tried to experiment with your hair and makeup etc?

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by AzulOscuro

It’s said people choose their partners according to the parent they struggled with were..

This is very true and I see it in all my relationships.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Not to change you, but have you tried to experiment with your hair and makeup etc?

Yes, of course. I like to change my look a little from time to time. I’m not very fan of calling the attention but I like to look nice. I mean, I groom myself.
Maybe I stressed a lot in the physical appearance with the examples I chose.
It’s also a constant judgement on my character, also about things I do or I don’t do and how I do them. There’s always a but or a mistake in most of the things I do. He stresses on the negative side.
It’s a permanent complain and however, we barely share a nice conversation.

I have been living a period since the end of Winter where I felt very low at energy, he was always complaining about how I didn’t make an effort. When I did the effort indeed.

I’m feeling now better. I’m taking a supplement and it seems I’m feeling better now so I’m again becoming to be the active and hardworking person I always was. He doesn’t take this into account. He f ****ing stress on what I do bad not what I do well.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by MsLady

This is very true and I see it in all my relationships.

I wonder why this happens. It’s curious. Which psychological reasons there might be behind it?
My dad was as controller as my partner. I have to say it. Again, a marvellous person, but very controller.

[downandlonely]

I have read that we often choose partners like our parents, because that's what we've grown up with and are used to.

[divine1966]

We subconsciously gravitate towards “familiar”. Familiar is usually what we grow up with. Even if it’s bad, people would gravitate towards it.

There is a way to break a pattern of going for familiar. That requires some work. Sometimes professional help.

And it sure requires awareness and desire to take action.

Yes step one is recognize familiar pattern, do some analysis, but then step two: don’t go for it. Even if familiar feels good in the beginning, it will kick your butt later. It’s not easy to take action, it’s work, but the positive outcome is breaking the cycle not only for yourself but for future generations if you decide to have children. Create a new healthier “familiar” for your children if you choose to have them

You understand why you are attracted to this person. He is like your family of origin. It’s familiar to you.

But you aren’t obligated to stick around.

That’s how you break this cycle. Recognize subconscious attraction but then you can say “no” to it. He might not be a bad person, just not right for you.

[TishaBuv]

Why do you allow him to talk critically and barely say anything nice to you? You can voice how that’s not acceptable and you won’t take it. Many would have spoken up at the first sign of that kind of treatment. He either would have began to speak more kindly or who knows? Would he hit you?

My husband influenced my clothes by buying me clothes he liked. They weren’t my style. Heck, they looked like clothes his mother wore. But I wore them and let him mould me. He wasn’t mean about it. He also made little comments that affected me, but not in a mean way. For example, he’d mak up a little song about my spending too much money. It was a joke, but it really wasn’t. So, I didn’t spend much money. At least he was nice and not nasty, but still, he did affect me in style and behavior. I didn’t mind.

I wouldn’t stand for verbal abuse about everything, though. I’d open a mouth and be done with that relationship in a heartbeat.

[AzulOscuro]

Girls, thank you for your replies.

When I was a kid and then, a teenager, my consolation was that one day when I grew, I would get being treat in a different way, I would receive all the affection I’m able to give.
But as you and others as Lady or Dowandlonely pointed out, there’s a powerful strength of attraction towards what it seems familiar to us.

I think we can use whatever circumstance to mature and learn, so as you say, Divine, recognising a pattern is an important achievement but then, decision-making must be applied. And, at this point in my life, I’m not ready to put up with certain behaviours. I have this very clear.
And of course, I’m not gonna give the same answer that it was, refuging myself and trying to console myself waiting for better times come.

I have tried to talk to him about this before. I know I’m not gonna change a person but we will have to find the way to understand each other or we will have to go our own way.
What I have had so far, maybe it was the only one I could face to or have to, but now, I’m not this weak butterfly anymore.

A side note: I already made the decision to not have babies so I did my own contribution to the planet.

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Why do you allow him to talk critically and barely say anything nice to you? You can voice how that’s not acceptable and you won’t take it. Many would have spoken up at the first sign of that kind of treatment. He either would have began to speak more kindly or who knows? Would he hit you?

My husband influenced my clothes by buying me clothes he liked. They weren’t my style. Heck, they looked like clothes his mother wore. But I wore them and let him mould me. He wasn’t mean about it. He also made little comments that affected me, but not in a mean way. For example, he’d mak up a little song about my spending too much money. It was a joke, but it really wasn’t. So, I didn’t spend much money. At least he was nice and not nasty, but still, he did affect me in style and behavior. I didn’t mind.

I wouldn’t stand for verbal abuse about everything, though. I’d open a mouth and be done with that relationship in a heartbeat.

I’m somehow the one who has the pan from the hand. I win more money, I have a flat I have a mortgage on. He contributes what he can with his salary and some houses expenses and the car we have just acquired.
He sometimes got physical by breaking up stuff or rising a hand without hitting me. I told him that if he touched me, I won’t let it.

I have tried to talk to him about it all and how I want to be treat and he seems to understand at the beginning but then, the bad habits take the charge and I’ve been looking for many excuses. Not only for him. It also happens to me with other people, so, I understand I can do much more about it.