[Lalaladida7]

My husband is thoughtful, loving, caring, hard-working, intelligent, witty, and rational while being irreverent. He is the kind of guy who goes out of his way to help others. He is my best friend, and we have always had a lot of fun together, but his mood swings, which have been present over the last fourteen years, have increased greatly since this summer, with at least six significant episodes and a dozen more minor ones in the last seven months. When his mood takes a sudden downward turn, it’s like he is a different person. He gets a wild look in his eyes and explodes with anger. These mood swings have obvious triggers: usually too much alcohol or sickness in the family or a crisis situation or a time of great stress. In this mode, he is not his rational self and there is no hope of making him see reason. My best bet is to avoid him completely or at least avoid arguing with him. His anger is over-the-top and unwarranted for the given situation. He seems out of control. This mode can last for several minutes or even a full day, but usually a couple hours.
This is the pattern that I have observed, which usually takes place over a two- to three-day period:
He is angry, explosive, irrational. ➡ He either sleeps or removes himself from the house. ➡ He offers a false apology. ➡ He continues to act angry with me and in a bad mood. ➡
He transitions from angry to depressed (usually accompanied by joking comments to me even though we aren’t on good terms at this point). ➡ He becomes depressed and moody. ➡
When I confront him, he tries to rationalize his behavior to me. ➡ Finally, he offers a genuine, heartfelt apology. ➡ He is usually still a little prickly for a few days after this apology. ➡ We get back to our normal.

But lately, it seems much harder for us to return to normal, as he is frequently irritable or withdrawn. In between these angry outbursts, he seems pretty depressed overall. I can’t count on him to help with the kids or around the house anymore—I’ve stopped even trying to get him to help most of the time because it often seems to be more trouble than it’s worth—and he just seems to be more selfish than he ever has been in our marriage. He’s always thinking of how things negatively affect him before he thinks of anyone else, IF he thinks of anyone else. He hardly ever asks me about my day or shows interest in anything outside himself. He doesn’t engage with me much at all. When he does not seem depressed, it’s usually because he is very busy or he is focused on a project. I’ve also noticed he has periods of poor sleep in which he tends to get a lot done. Other times, he sleeps too much, going to bed early and waking up late.

I thought he might be bipolar, as his father and brother are, but the psychiatrist he went to recently doesn’t think he has the highs that a bipolar person would. I looked at the criteria for borderline personality disorder, and the angry outbursts seem more in line with that than anything else, but he doesn’t have the wrecked relationships or the manipulative tendencies of someone with bpd. He’s diagnosed with depression, adhd, and anxiety, but that does not explain his Jekyll and Hyde mood swings. It is truly like he becomes a different person. Anyone have any ideas? Anyone experienced this? How can I help him? I just want my husband back. Thanks for reading.

[Open Eyes]

He may be under a lot of stress and isn't talking about it. How old is your husband?

[Lalaladida7]

He’s 44. He doesn’t deal with stress, but I don’t think his stress levels are any higher than usual!

[Nammu]

Not everything needs a label. Maybe he's just being a normal jerk cause he lacks coping skills. Anyone can benefit from a few DBT/CBT life skills. He could see a T or get a workbook.

[Medusax]

I am married to one of those. Minus the drinking. I deal with it by walking away. Once I walked away for a week.

[copperboom]

I wish people had more answers for you because I am living this life too! My husband sounds like a clone of yours except his angry phase lasts between 2-3 days but once he apologizes, it's usually sincere and we get back to "normal" life with just a couple joking/jabbing comments about the issue that set him off. He goes in extremes of only thinking of himself and showing grand gestures of appreciation. One day is breakfast in bed, followed by presents, and then setting up a bubble bath with rose petals and my favorite wine. The next day he gets set off and says I'm a terrible person for absolutely everything, he yells, slams doors, leaves the house for the day, usually asks me to sleep in our daughters room, sends angry texts, and almost all of it is irrational. Sometimes it can even be something as small as our junk mail that he throws away being delivered to a neighbor. It's really hard to live in the extremes! Alcohol definitely makes the extremes happen more often! It's completely different person with a different look in his eyes. Please let me know if you've found anything to help the situation!

[Lalaladida7]

I’m sorry that I just read this now! I’ve come to terms with the idea that alcohol may be a bigger factor than I realized, but I still don’t even really know. It’s gotten so bad, I had to give him an ultimatum: quit drinking or we are done. He chose to quit drinking, but now he’s just depressed and angry all the time. The only other possible causes besides the drinking are childhood trauma and the fact that he has never learned how to talk about his emotions. He’s going to therapy, so I’m hoping something good will come of it. Meanwhile, I am living in misery. If you’ve developed any insights, let me know! You are the first person I’ve encountered who knows what it’s like to live with someone like this.

[divine1966]

It sounds that perhaps alcohol consumption is causing this. How often and how much does he drink

[Open Eyes]

It sounds like you are dealing with a man who struggles with adhd and has self medicated with alcohol. Men with adhd can have these angry outbursts. Many alcoholics have adhd. And if he suffered childhood abuse he may have some undiagnosed ptsd issues. It’s good he is seeing a therapist.

[Have Hope]

None of us can diagnose here, but at the very least, he is certainly unstable. Stress and alcohol can make things worse and exacerbate symptoms.

Is he on any medication? Is he in therapy? He should be getting treatment for all the diagnosed issues. I think speaking with a professional yourself may help, and also getting additional diagnosis and insight from a doctor.

[Bill3]

What has the psychiatrist suggested?

[divine1966]

You mentioned he doesn’t have wracked relationships so he can’t have BPD. Not every person with BPD would have ruined relationships IF their partners are willing to stick around. Like in your case you are staying with him despite his bad behaviors so now he can claim that he doesn’t ruin relationships. It’s only not ruined because you haven’t left, not because he maintains healthy relationships.

Not saying he has PD. Just a comment

I’d focus on what his psychiatrist and therapist suggest. Even people with variety of disorders need to learn to behave in society and at home. If they can’t, that’s what professional help is for. He needs to actively seek help

[IceCreamKid]

You wrote: "the psychiatrist he went to recently doesn’t think he has the highs that a bipolar person would" -- how do you know the psychiatrist said this? Did your husband sign a release for you to discuss him with his doctor? Given everything you wrote, including "periods of poor sleep in which he tends to get a lot done" and his family history of bipolar disorder diagnoses, I would seek a second opinion, or a more detailed explanation considering those two factors.