gaslighted or paranoid or just NEED HELP

going through a rough situation with my wife of 4 years. we have two daughters (irish twins) 1 and 2. in january she went back to work, i was for the first time realizing what it means to raise two children without any help.

i WFH and she is in person, so she worked during my "scheduled" hours and i would juggle kids and work and i am only human, i was stressed out.

this created a distance between us as i felt exhausted after watching the kids and working, when she came home i would check out and want to spend time with her.

one night i noticed she was talking weird and i found opiates in her backpack, i reacted and flushed them down the toilet as i woke her up and she was infuriated. she pushed me and proceeded to tell me all the things she thought about me, very verbally abusive. i could not decide to leave or go after hearing such hurtful things.

the next morning she acted as if nothing happened... the night after i noticed her on her phone the whole night ignoring our kids and me, i thought nothing of it and went to sleep, but i was unable to get to sleep. she started to push me as if to see if i was awake. i did not budge as i was curious why she would do this, eventually i heard her get up and talking either to herself or someone.

the next time she went to work i was curious and found a lot of new underwear, clothes i had never seen, and started paying attention to how she would do her nails every week (never done before) losing weight (10 lbs in 2 months) not eating, telling me stories that she told me before not remembering if she had told me them before, acting as if she was sexually interested in me by having sex every day.

every time i ask her about the cheating, she denies and it changes between being angry at me, crying, etc.

i can't decide if i am being paranoid and pushing her away or if she is lying about cheating and/or using drugs and really good at lying to me.

the back and forth and gaslighting in conjunction with COVID has made me unsure about what to do.

Curious, you have sex with her daily but she never wears her new underwear?

I don't think it's paranoia because you found opioids in her bag you knew nothing about.. so she was caught lying to you about something. She then handled it with anger and shifted the problem to be all about you.. and then pretended nothing happened. It definitely warranted a conversation the next day.. but none was taken?

In my experience, when my partner is confronted with something he's hiding, he initially reacts with anger. Then he needs some level of space away from me. It's what liars do. It's really hard for them to be in close proximity with someone they just lied to.

Instead of guessing, I'd take this to couple's counseling. Things need to be addressed. I'm sorry you're going through this!

The opioids are a concern. Her being verbally abusive is also very concerning. Her sudden desire to buy new underwear, have more sex and lose weight could all be signs of cheating, along with being on the phone all night, but it's hard to know without real proof. I would be concerned, if I were you, and there are legitimate suspicious things going on. At the very least, you have caught her using opioids, and that's a problem, along with the verbal abuse. Is that the first time she's been abusive towards you?

-- we have sex daily, but until i asked her about the underwear she never wore her new underwear or did anything fancy. i understand this could be because she has finally lost some of her pregnancy weight and wanting to feel comfortable in her own skin. but the fact that we weren't having sex daily before and now we are in conjunction with the attention to her hair, nails, etc. had me concerned. thus i went searching and found some more things.

the thing is, i'm unsure if i am searching and finding things to fit a narrative, or if they are really happening and i am just noticing all of the things now because i did not pay enough attention before.

also curious if he ever tries to flip the situation on you or tell you that you are imagining things, that you have already talked about this, or etc things along those lines to try and avoid a conversation?

she is willing for couples counseling she says, going to try and see what is possible during COVID.

appreciate you replying, it has been a tough few months and it means a lot to get some advice.

there was one issue of abusiveness in the past but we have been doing so well for the past two years, at least i thought we were. definitely is hard to know and the question i am at a crossroads where i could ask her and find out she is, then i'm in a tough spot. i could also keep asking her and push her away which also puts me in a tough spot.

I have learned with my own husband, who likes to shut down important conversations, to push him to talk to me, even if I am afraid it may push him away. A healthy relationship dynamic includes being able to discuss important issues openly and honestly. And if you can't do that, then there's a problem with communication.

It sounds like couples counseling would benefit you, since she is willing to go. It may be possible to set up a virtual session.

Sorry you're going through this. I would be concerned about the opiates. Does she have any pain issues at all that would require those? Seems like she is doing them recreationally. And the verbal abuse is an issue as well. I hope you can get into couples counseling.

It's possible now that she's lost weight she's feeling more confident and wanting to take more care in her appearance. Plus we're in spring, warmer weather, lighter clothing.. the sun naturally makes people feel good.

All the time. These are red flags.

I want to add.. it's almost impossible to have a liar live with a paranoia. Your wife was found to have opioids hiding in her purse. From what I understand, there's been no conversation about this, apart from that night where she diverted the conversation about you. With this, it's hard to give her any credibility when she can't be transparent about this issue, alone.

Is she gaslighting? Maybe. It's hard to say. Are you being paranoid? No. Trust has been betrayed and it's natural for a person to start questioning everything. That's why trust in a relationship is so important.

Considering you found opiates it could very well be that she is scoring more. She knows she was caught and has to lie and manipulate in order to get more. Any money missing? Or unusual atm w/d's that you are able to see in the account info? She could easily be on secret calls looking for more drugs. In some cases a dealer or friend that shares drugs could sleep with someone in lieu of payment. Not trying to be a jerk but you do not know how long her shennanagins have been going on in regards to abuse of opiates. Or misuse. Have you ever suspected she was high?