I don’t get the whole idea of being so into each other like most new couples are in first few months of being together. I mean I understand what attraction is and I experienced that „euphoria” kind of thing inside me when I learnt the other party felt the same but... I feel like I can see through it in some way.

Seeing each other every day? Spending as much time as possible together? Hours of texting or talking and having fun all the time? My brain is like give me a break. No f….g way. I may feel good / really good but I always manage to keep a cool head. Nothing really changes and in some way it bothers me.

I’m aware that there are people out there who may not like it or even feel bad because of me if it comes to such situation. I feel fear when I think about it. Knowing that one day I can meet my dream girl and f…k things up because of my cold attitude

[MsLady]

This may sound silly.. check out "The 5 Languages of Love" Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages(R)

[ARaven0137]

I think I understand what you are saying. I joke that I am a cat in human form and space is my friend. Enmeshment with a significant other, even one that I care about deeply, is absolutely terrifying. It's easy for me to feel smothered and I take space when I need it. Even in new relationships, I liked spending time together, but there came a need for me to just be alone for a bit and recharge. I always made this clear to people and, for the most part, it worked.

I currently have a stalker who is enmeshment personified. The red flags and the warning flares fired when he began to demand 24/7 attention from me. He had overwhelming fears of abandonment and perceived some fairy tale fantasy romance between us. Having coffee together one day, I went back to the counter and struck up a conversation with a guy in line and stalker went bananas! When it was time for me to leave for the evening after get togethers, he would pitch a fit and send me videos of himself sobbing because he missed me so much. I found it nauseating.

I often choose SOs poorly, but I always tell them what makes me tick and that I need space. This stalker could not have chosen a woman more poorly suited to his overwhelming emotional neediness, but I had warned him. No amount of reason would work with this guy. I had to realize that stalking and obsession is not about logic. Hopefully for you, your dream girl will complement you well and understand your particular emotional state.

[Iloivar]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

I don’t get the whole idea of being so into each other like most new couples are in first few months of being together. I mean I understand what attraction is and I experienced that „euphoria” kind of thing inside me when I learnt the other party felt the same but... I feel like I can see through it in some way.

Seeing each other every day? Spending as much time as possible together? Hours of texting or talking and having fun all the time? My brain is like give me a break. No f….g way. I may feel good / really good but I always manage to keep a cool head. Nothing really changes and in some way it bothers me.

I’m aware that there are people out there who may not like it or even feel bad because of me if it comes to such situation. I feel fear when I think about it. Knowing that one day I can meet my dream girl and f…k things up because of my cold attitude

If there ever comes a time your dream girl doesn't like this aspect of your personality to the point of breaking up with you, then perhaps they weren't the right one. it's no one's ****up, just a matter of incompatibility.

[divine1966]

I think balance is important. Even the most affectionate people don’t have the need to be attached to the hip of their partner 24/7 (well most people don’t). Sure some people need more space than others but you find people who are compatible with you and you balance each other.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by Iloivar

If there ever comes a time your dream girl doesn't like this aspect of your personality to the point of breaking up with you, then perhaps they weren't the right one. it's no one's ****up, just a matter of incompatibility.

I totally agree with this, as long as we're not fooling ourselves.

If fear, guilt, or shame is a part of the equation that challenges our abilities to connect on a deeper level and be our authentic selves, then it's best we be honest about it.

Originally Posted by ARaven0137

I always made this clear to people and, for the most part, it worked.

How exactly did they react? And what do you mean by "the most part". I'm sensing little dramas behind this phrase and this may be what im scared of.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

How exactly did they react? And what do you mean by "the most part". I'm sensing little dramas behind this phrase and this may be what im scared of.

I need a lot of space. I told my husband up front. He is ok with it and we find compromise and balance. We meet half way and we have a happy marriage. I am not cold, I am affectionate but I am not “all over you” person. He needs much less space than me. But we figure out what works for both to make both happy

I dated men who weren’t ok with my desire for independence. So I was out of there quick

There is a lid for every pot. You’ll find someone with whom it will work.

[ARaven0137]

Originally Posted by MisterPaul

How exactly did they react? And what do you mean by "the most part". I'm sensing little dramas behind this phrase and this may be what im scared of.

My experience is very similar to Divine's. I had a fiance some years ago with whom my telling him that space is necessary for me to love went very well. He was accepting of it and I had the latitude to be able to tell him when I needed it without him becoming upset. That was probably the best arrangement for my needs as his accepting it without drama made the times that I needed space shorter. Unfortunately, that relationship didn't work out, but for other reasons.

My husband is in the middle. Sometimes, it works out, sometimes it doesn't, depending on his mood swings. I'll say that honesty is often an issue in the marriage as he loves to kill the messenger. On a seemingly semi random schedule, my letting him know that I need space will be met with scorn and derision. Since it's hard to be honest without being scolded, I frequently deflect and just hide out, leaving him guessing as to why I'm cold and irritable. He's the kind of guy that I will just shut up when he is driving us off of a cliff.

On the far end of the spectrum is my BPD stalker for whom 24/7 enmeshment is a positive thing. Every day around this guy was like being a bug in a blender. His display of emotion was overwhelming for me as was his demand for my time and attention. He was also hypersexual and demanded sex at every meeting in spite of the fact that I'm married. We had been friends for six months before this behavior manifested itself and I warned him repeatedly that I'm emotionally blunted and need a lot of space. His display of emotion and demands for time, attention, sex and extreme exclusivity were so distasteful that I burned out quickly. He would lose his cookies if I even spoke with or worked out with another guy. Every request I made for space was met with increasing emotional neediness along with increasingly violent outbursts and self harm. I then took a passive-aggressive road, provoking him by talking to as many guys as I could in front of him and calling him regressive and medieval. I also said that he had no game and that he was trying to date so far out of his league that I may as well be on Venus. I finally had to just stop seeing and responding to the gazillions of texts, etc that he sent per hour.

So, the most understanding person had me return and be affectionate the quickest and the least understanding person had me leave and break contact.

My mistake was that I didn't see how they would react prior to my being involved or being a friend. So, when my husband and my stalker began to react the way that they did, I was surprised.

I hope that answers your question.

[Molk]

Oh, I need lots of space myself, everybody's different. My personal freedom is for me above everything and I still love my folks. Someone already mentioned the 5 Languages of Love, that book helped me to understand that different people show love differently. It actually helped me to understand my father.