[BlueSkyGirl]

Background: My husband and I have been married for 12 years. We have two little ones ages 7 and 5. We both work full time. For so many years we were caught up in routine, but there have been a lot of bumps along the way. Our marriage has been shook quite a bit. We've both been deceitful. He hid his substance abuse whereas I hid an emotional affair with someone at work. Both of these things are now under control, and we are working towards repairing our marriage.

My therapist has suggested a few times the possibility of a trial separation. At first I dismissed the idea, but after thinking it through I've decided I do want to give it a try. I've always been into real estate and I would like to purchase a multi unit property - live in one property while managing the tenant for the other property. I was thinking we could commit to a few months to a year of separation to heal from our wounds, to give me a chance to breathe, and to figure out if I truly want to be in this relationship. I do not feel connected to him at all. Lately I've just been wanting out.

Last night I proposed my idea. He listened, and then said no. I feel like I wasn't asking, like I really need him to go along with this. Why does he have a right to shoot down everything I want or feel like I need? He always does this. He said that it sounds like one of my crazy bipolar ideas. It's just so hurtful. He's so systematic and frugal and responsible and I never get any kind of excitement or anything I want unless he wants it too.. which is almost never the case.

Tomorrow we are going to couples counseling and I hope to talk it out there.

I just feel like he never sees me, doesn't listen to what I truly want, doesn't value my dreams or my hopes. I live such a rigid and systematic life and I want out. I need this separation to find myself and to keep me busy fixing up older homes and renting them out.. a passion that he's never agreed to. But it's perfect for me right now. Also my kids are finally old enough where they can stay with me on the weekends and with their dad during the week and I feel like they are less dependent on me. I want what is best for my kids and they deserve two parents who love each other. I don't know why but the love for my husband is just.. gone.

BlueSkyGirl, I really don't know what to say since I'm not a relationships counselor. Have you considered going to couples therapy? It seems like your issues have more to do with your relationship than any particular mental disorder, or if it does, I'd wonder if it is more relating to your husband's autism spectrum disorder, as you say he has. I saw you mentioned some level of abuse from him. That is a definite issue to be addressed. I don't believe most people with bipolar disorder are victims of spousal abuse. Certainly people with bipolar disorder do not tend to have their children abused more than the general public.

[Have Hope]

Why don't you separate without his permission and agreement? You have the right to say that you want to separate. He doesn't have to agree to possibly coming back together down the road OR to a trial separation in order for you to leave him and pursue your dream. Why not just pursue your dreams and leave him? Then see what happens down the road.

[BlueSkyGirl]

He does all our financing. I need his support to buy me somewhere to stay. But I’m leaning towards being more stern about it. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I need space to heal and think.

[divine1966]

I am sorry
If you are a full time teacher you should be able to rent a place, small apartment will suffice. Eventually if you decide to split, you sell the house and split the money or one buys the other person out etc but for now you can rent. You don’t need a mansion. If he makes much more than you he’ll pay spousal support and child support. Until then you can manage

Generally speaking I advice women to not depend on men for finances or for anything for that matter and always have their own income and car and bank account and their own savings. Child care should be split evenly but for everything else you are better off having your own stuff.

Too many women stuck in bad situation because they depend on a man

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by BlueSkyGirl

He does all our financing. I need his support to buy me somewhere to stay. But I’m leaning towards being more stern about it. I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I need space to heal and think.

I don't quite understand. Couldn't you leave and just rent a small apartment since you work full time? Why do you need him to "buy" you a place to stay? Are you able to afford an apartment on your own salary? Just because he manages the finances, doesn't mean you cannot take control over your own life and your own financial situation. Find a way. Where there's a will there's a way -- always.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I don't quite understand. Couldn't you leave and just rent a small apartment since you work full time? Why do you need him to "buy" you a place to stay? Are you able to afford an apartment on your own salary? Just because he manages the finances, doesn't mean you cannot take control over your own life and your own financial situation. Find a way. Where there's a will there's a way -- always.

I agree but there might be some issue with taking kids, you can’t just take the kids, I mean you can but he might say he wants to keep them. I think the best is to consult with a lawyer ASAP re custody of kids and living arrangement during separation.

PS actually I forgot about abuse issues, since CPS was involved and visited home twice, it’s unlikely he will have full custody of them so it might be perfectly fine to take kids with you for their own safety

[divine1966]

I missed that you said you want your kids to live with their dad and see you on the weekends only. You don’t even want 50/50? Why?

And if he is abusive towards them up to the point of CPS involved how safe is it for them to live with him full time?