[Francais]

Hello Guys,

First of all sorry for my English ; I’m French and I’ll try my best to make it short.

She’s 19; She’s very attractive, smart and loving. Everything seems perfect; however she never had a father figure in her life. Not even a brother or uncle. Her parents divorced before she was born.

Her mother also did not have a father figure in her life and she’s got into 5 short marriages.

I love this girl so much, and I want to make it work. However everything I've read so far about fatherless daughters seems to indicate that a marriage will be doomed to fail. She will likely either cheat, leave me or make the relationships so hard and draining.

Nevertheless; I’m wondering whether these outcomes are not inflated because of fatherless daughters lack of standards and poor choice of men that may lead her to be with a bad person and be in a toxic relationship.

Since I’m a faithful, caring and loving man, I hope it could be different.

I don’t want to give up but I need some sincere advices or a reality check.

Thank you very much for your help

[Yaowen]

Dear Francais,

Welcome to the Forums. It is very nice to meet you.

I wish I had something helpful to offer, but sadly I don't. Hopefully others here with more experience, insight and wisdom will see your post and respond to it with really helpful and practical ideas.

In my life I have seen all kinds of relationships work or not work and have never been able to figure out the reasons why. It all seems very mysterious to me. Although I have always sought enduring relationships, I have never regretted any relationship I was in, no matter how short lived. But I think that is an idiosyncrasy of mine and probably is not anything that could be generalized or helpful to you or others.

I do hope you find helpful words here on these Forums. I fear my words are useless to you or worse than useless. So sorry. I do want to wish you the very best in your relationship and in your entire life journey.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

[Open Eyes]

First of all, at age 19 this girl is still VERY MUCH a child. Her brain isn't even fully formed either. The age difference is going to be a big deal in that this young girl will be doing a lot of growing and maturing the next ten years of her life. Sure, you may love her, take care of her etc., but it's very probable as she matures she will grow out of you. At this point all you will be is a male influence on her, yet she is still going to be growing and maturing a lot and is far from your mature equal as in many ways she is still a child yet. Also, she should be thinking about what she wants to be in her life, and be going off to college. And she should be educated so she can be independent and take care of herself. If something were to happen to you, it would not be fair to her not to be able to take care of herself, or the children if she has them.

Also, having a father can be a disadvantage too in that some fathers are VERY poor examples of the right kind of man to marry and have a life with.

If she was already 30 and you were 50, it would still be a bit of an age difference, yet she would at that age be way more mature if she had an education and time working and learning and developing herself.

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by Francais

Hello Guys,

She’s 19; She’s very attractive, smart and loving. Everything seems perfect.. I love this girl so much, and I want to make it work.

However everything I've read so far about fatherless daughters seems to indicate that a marriage will be doomed to fail. She will likely either cheat, leave me or make the relationships so hard and draining.

Nevertheless; I’m wondering whether these outcomes are not inflated because of fatherless daughters lack of standards and poor choice of men that may lead her to be with a bad person and be in a toxic relationship.

First off, I couldn't help notice your order of characteristics .. she's young, attractive, then smart. To be blunt, she's as smart as a "19 year old" who has a lot of learning and growing to do.

IMO, having "lack of standards" is having a young girl marry a man twice her age instead of focusing her attention on post secondary education. She just graduated high school! She's a kid ON TOP of your concerns. She's vulnerable. Even if she's enrolled in college/university, you'll be nothing more than a distraction and pressure for HER.

The fact that she doesn't have any positive male role models will increase her risk of marrying you for the wrong reasons.

[Have Hope]

She probably is looking for a father figure IN YOU because she's had none. Why be with someone who is still just a CHILD, developing and doesn't even know or understand the world fully, herself fully and/or what she wants fully? It takes years for young adults to become who they really are in life. She probably will change a lot between now and then. I personally find it sickening that you're even considering being with someone who is only just a child and who is still officially a TEENAGER.

[divine1966]

I don’t think that fatherless women make poor choices or lack standards

I do think that it might not be wise for almost 40 year old dating or marrying a teenage girl. I recommend you look for grown women closer to your age already established and standing on their own two feet

Her not having a father might or might not be an issue but you are being a grown man and her being a teen is an issue

[EagleTears]

Francais, The real question is this.... Does she love you the same way you love her? You talk about marrying her, but how long have you been dating her? Her being attractive is OK, but whats most important is whats in the heart. She could very well use her looks to deceive you by getting what she wants, and not in a good way either. Do you think shes mentally capable of taking the role of a married young woman at such young age? You even doubted her, and suggested that she may cheat on you. She just starting out her life, shes barely an adult... mentally wise... she may not be ready to settle in, and to start a family yet.

[RockyRoad007]

The first thing I thought of, is the marriage could devolve into a father/daughter type of relationship, rather than equal partners, which is what a marriage should be.

Who would your friends be? Teenagers or young people her age? Would you be comfortable as the "old man" socializing with a bunch of young people. You will be the age of the young people's fathers, or at least in their age bracket.

Is she willing to hang out with people your age? What will your friends think? Will the two of you just be oddballs in any social situation?

At least for the next ten years, you could be the target of a lot of judgment from others. Ten years down the road it won't matter so much. But at this age, there could be a huge maturity gap. And a lot of raised eyebrows from others.

She may even be unconsciously looking for a "Daddy" figure. Would you be OK filling that role for her. It would definitely bring out your caring/nurturing aspects, but it could begin to feel like you are having sex with your daughter.

I'm just throwing potentials/possibilities out there that may need to be considered. Doesn't mean any of them will come to fruition should you end up marrying or having a loving relationship with her. But, you will have an extra layer of (age related) issues to deal with, as well as the standard issues couples often deal with.

[Gasplessy]

Hello

I read your post and honestly "didn't had a good impression" about it

I don't think it is necessary wrong to be aware of some possible human cognitive processes like the "fatherless" one you're talking about

But:
-It's not obvious that just because a person get into a relationship with a much older one, than she/he is looking for a parental figure
If this happen (possible), then it seems there is not a very healthy situation for a love affair

-just because 19 is really young, this does not allow objectification or controlling behaviors by older people

In conclusion,
I would just recommend you to act responsibly and possibly consider the thoughts you're having about the relationship scheme are not really ok
If you are talking about it maybe is because you already feel you should take a step back

[bpcyclist]

Things are very different than they were in 1946, when 19 year-olds routinely married. She will be a completely different woman in 11 years. Maybe she will still be interested in you, maybe she won't, but one thing is certain, she will not be anything remotely like she is now. That is just a biologic fact.

Personally, I'd shoot for someone at least maybe 30ish or so, if you seek someone "young." At least those women are legit adults and their brains are fully developed, unlike this girl's--and she is a girl still.

Good luck.