You know what bothers me

When it comes to any kind of relationship, family, friendship, aquaintance, work collegues, whatever, I seem to be the one who puts in all the effort. I give my time, my thoughts and prayers, I'm the one who suggests the get togethers and lunches etc but I get nothing in return. When do you say "I deserve better than this" and just give up on ever meeting someone in your life that will give you as much as you give them, sacrifice as much to be in your life as you do for them?
I've been trying for years to maintain friendships with people but no one seems to want to. I'm a good person, I know that. I can be a great friend if only someone would spend 5 minutes with me and get to know me. I'm tired of being the only one putting in the effort.
*sigh*, what's a person to do?? I don't smother. I just want to be able to call someone up and hang out. No one wants to. I get excuses. I get lies. "we'll get together for lunch next week" and when I call, they say they can't but "we'll do it soon" It never happens. It sucks.

Per ardua ad astra
Motto of the Royal Canadian Air Force
"through adversity to the stars"

Tina, I've been through the same thing, always feeling like I'm giving more than I'm getting in relationships. It's hard to know what's really going on with you without knowing the specific details, but I have received a couple of really good ideas in therapy, so I'll pass them along, in case they might apply to you.

First, my therapist oftens points out that I'm not good at clearly asking for what I need. When you said that you don't smother, that sounded an awful lot like what I do. You may want to really look at what you are doing, and see if there's something you could do to more clearly articulate your needs. I'm not talking about smothering, or being demanding...just asking.

The second thing is, it has been pointed out to me several times in group therapy that I need to make better choices about who I become involved with. That I seem to invariably pick people who are "takers". In my case, that has a lot to do with not feeling comfortable with receiving things from other people because I don't feel like I deserve it. So another thing you may want to think about is why you are choosing the people you are to try to be friends with.

Well, those are just a couple of thoughts. I can definitely relate to your problem. But one thing I also have learned is that not everyone is like that, and if you keep looking you will find people who are willing to give back as much as you give to them.

*hugs*
Jo

<font color=green> If she spins fast enough then maybe the broken pieces of her heart will stay together, but even a gyroscope can't spin forever</font color=green>

Hi Angel,

I am so glad you posted about this. I am the same way when it comes to friendships. It seems like I am always persuing friends and getting let down. I have always had a lot of attention from males, but it has been so difficult to find female friends that I feel I can trust even just a little. Things have improved for me. I haven't had a chance to bring this up with my therapist yet, although I have mention the pattern of me being the giver to excess in many situations with my relationships. I enjoy reading, so I have read a couple great books on the subject. Friendshifts discusses how friendships end and when and how to do it. Also explains how they evolves and gives a lot of examples from real relationships. I also read How to win friend and influence people by Andrew Carnegie. He list different strategies and how to apply them in all different types of relationships. This was also something that I used with my students when I taught a social skills class.

I feel like I have grown socially because of these books. My depression and social anxiety have also gotten in the way at times. I look at myself as it being a process. I try to do what I can and not take things personally when things don't work out. It is very important to have friends. It is very difficult to find good relationships that are healthy for many people. Hang in there! We're here for ya!

Meachie

Don't wait for your ship to sail in, swim out to it.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Maybe it is just a matter of choosing a little better who your friends should be.
I don't believe it is easy to find friends, true friends. I believe you might have just a handfull through your entire life.

Just hung in there.

gab

Tina,

I'm a little biased here having been a close friend of yours for 4 years. I don't know why this is happening to you. You're very intelligent, you always have interesting things to talk about, and you have a great sense of humor. If we didn't have that damned 3000 miles between us, I'd go out to lunch or have coffee with you anytime I had the chance.

You're right, you are a good person (and it made me smile to see you write that), and you shouldn't have to be the one who always puts out the effort. I believe that someone is going to see the value of having a friend like you. What a wonderful gift you are.

If I can figure out how to bridge the mileage gap before it's too late, lunch is on me.

Thanks for being my friend, and for being there for me,
Greg



"Beauty is truth, truth is beauty - that is all you know on earth, and all you need to know"

Good tips mj. Thanks. Since you asked, the specific situation is the fact that I've moved back into my childhhood home and I've begun to look up old friends from highschool. We were all inseparable then, very close but now, they seem to make any excuse not to hang out with me. Just friday I got an email from one of them and she told me that she really wanted to get together with me and have lunch but when I told her to just name the day and time she said "I'm pretty busy most of the time, I guess I'll have to call you when I have a quieter week" I wouldn't normally question that but she says that all the time. I know it's got to be a lie if she says it every time I mention lunch or even coffee. I even told her that I could stop by her place if it makes it easier for her but still I get the "I'm really busy excuse" They are all pushing me off like that. All my old friends. I can't believe we were so close in highschool and now they seem to want nothing to do with me. I try to meet new people but since I'm not working right now there are few places I can do that.
Going to movies and museums alone really sucks. Don't get me wrong, I'm totally comfortable in my own company but sometimes it would be nice to have someone else to converse with. Talking to myself is pretty biased and one-sided haha
thanks again for the tips. Being more discerning about the people I choose for friends isn't a problem since no one is interested in being one. Oh well. Maybe someday it will change but I'm not going to get too mired down with it. School starts in 3 weeks and we'll see how that goes. At least we'll all have something in common and can converse about classes, if nothing else.
take care
tina

Per ardua ad astra
Motto of the Royal Canadian Air Force
"through adversity to the stars"

thanks meachie. I'll have a peek at the books you mentioned.

Per ardua ad astra
Motto of the Royal Canadian Air Force
"through adversity to the stars"

gloria
I once had a handful that were special to me but they are the ones I seem to be having the trouble with lately. (see post to mj)
thanks for replying. I wish it was just a matter of choosing more carefully.
tina

Per ardua ad astra
Motto of the Royal Canadian Air Force
"through adversity to the stars"

I guess 'close' is a relative term when you're talking about 3000 miles isn't it. hehe
I do have a great sense of humor, don't I? I'm damned funny and I love to laugh. I used to laugh uncontrollably with this friend years ago and we never seem to be able to connect now. Long phone calls would nearly break my bank account but I laughed the whole time and it was worth it. He doesn't seem to laugh anymore though and it makes me sad. I hope the last breath out of my body is laughter. If I'm crying, I hope they are tears of joy for a life well lived.
I'll always be there for you
Call or write anytime
T

Per ardua ad astra
Motto of the Royal Canadian Air Force
"through adversity to the stars"

You sound like me. Just the other day, I was at my child's sporting competition. I smiled, went up to the other mom's, made polite conversation here and there. Then when it came time to take our seats in the stands, I went first and sat on a long bench, they went and sat down about 5 rows in front of me, all together, watching our kids compete. I sat at the top row there by myself. I know they saw me. This happens all the time. It's like, wherever I sit, they sit somewhere else. I used to get up and come down and sit where they were, or if they are already seated when I get there, I would sit next to them.

I guess they don't like me, I really don't know why. It can be quite depressing, but everyone is like that with me. Maybe I really am weird. I'm not ugly or fat or obnoxious and smell or anything obvious.

And then earlier, a couple of the moms were talking about where they were going to go eat afterwards with the kids, and I was standing there, and then they kind of dropped the subject BECAUSE THEY WERE AFRAID I'D INVITE MYSELF OR SOMETHING! I think.

Maybe I'll just ignore them from now on. Next event, I won't say a word to anyone and just go sit by myself. Wonder how many of them will say even hello to me.

I SO know what bothers you, Angel!
Been working hard on trying to disconnect the expectation mode. Like, if i'm going to plan or prepare or give anything to anyone, I'll give it and not expect anything in return, as it's been hurting me and I'm just amazed with the way your description fits me.
So my suggestion for the moment is to try and switch off the "in return" expectation. But, please, don't shut yourself in.
You're gonna be alright, we're all gonna find new people - euphoria attack, yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

love
peace