I need advice

Hello,
I hope somebody can give me some advice or any comments are appreciated.
I'm a generally a jovious person but this is bringing me down and filling up
my head with all sorts of rubbish at the moment. Please bear with me, it's a bit hard for me to express what I'm feeling.
I have been with my boyfriend for more than a year now and I love him dearly. We've even started talking seriously about marriage.
We were friends before we got together and I did notice a girl that used to "cling" to him I thought but since we got together I realized that they actually were
together some years ago. The problem now is that she doesn't seem to want to let go. At times she calls him zillion times,
texts him etc. She's depressive and even unfortunately attempted suicide. I felt sorry for her and tried to be supportive
at the time and suggested he helps her get help eventhough she doesn't want to get help herself. But apparently doesn't have
any other friends and doesn't speak to her family either. But I find it really hard to deal with this. I don't know much about
depression and its symptoms but she's well educated and has a good job, I met her a few times in the past and she seemed sane.
So sometimes I'm compelled to think she's just manipulating him with her emotional blackmail. He asks him to call her or she
ends her life? is that normal? If anybody is suicidal would they do that? if someone takes an overdose would they then call
the person to say they've done it? I am getting really confused. I wish I could get him to completely block her out but then
what if she seriously does something?
He doesn't like talking about this and that makes it worse for me and I become more untrusting of him. I know he does his
best to ignore her but I know she must still contact him. And although she knows we're together, I think he lies to her as to
the extent of that and he gives her stupid exuses for not getting back to her like phone problems, money etc.
I don't want him to go tell her he's so happy with me or something like that if there is a risk she'll do something to herself
but is it healthy to lie to her? for him and her? and me for that matter?
How long can he keep the lies and how is she ever going to get it that he's not there for her anymore? I don't know what to do?
He means the world to me and when I'm with him, these thoughts are all lessened but I work in another city and when I'm away sometimes
I think about this and it torments me inside, especially that she lives nearby and she's always trying to get him to meet her.
He's a person who deals with problems when they actually arise so might actually meet her and not think of the consequences until
he has to deal with them.
I just don't see this ending and I don't know at all how to deal with it, should I contact her? but then what if she does something
to herself? I don't want anything bad to happen to her nor to him or me but then what an I supposed to do, what is he supposed
to do and how do we help her and help ourselves. And is she just a manipulator? This is very tiring....If anybody has gone through
something similar or has any comments please go ahead. I'll be gratefull for any point of view or advice.
Many thanks
Esp.

Espoir, welcome to PsychCentral (PC). There are a lot of great people here who might have some ideas for you and/or have lived through something similar.

Sounds like you have a three-way problem going. Don't know if you can solve what your boyfriend does with his ex-girlfriend or not, he has to want to stop her manipulation (yes it is) and break off with her if he wants. But unless he decides to do that or get help with his own feelings in order to do that I'm not sure what you can do with the situation since it isn't yours.

I would maybe research local help for her and give it to your boyfriend and tell your boyfriend you'd like him to point out where she can get help for her problems and that you'd like him to break it off with her. You would have to back that with an "or else" of your own that you are willing to back up. It is sad that your boyfriend is caught "in the middle" between the two of you but he has to decide what he wants for his own life and if you don't like his indecision, you have to state that and back it with "I do not want to live with this situation anymore. Do whatever you have to do to break it off with her completely or I'm going to have to leave you" and then do that. I think otherwise he will just keep her stringing along. It is not her fault that he allows her into his life. She has problems and needs professional help, his stringing her along is not going to help her, I don't know that he can help her at all. I would give her resources and offer to take her the first time somewhere but then I'd tell her not to call anymore because I want to move on with my own life and I'd change my phone numbers.

I had a boss who broke up with a woman who had been living with him for several years and she would not quit calling him so he had to get a legal injunction against her doing so and take legal action against her, etc. to get her to stop. It sounds cruel or heartless but sometimes the other person will not stop and manipulates anyway they can like your boyfriend's ex- so it becomes necessary to harden one's heart against them.

Espoir,

Welcome to PC! I agree with Perna as usual. Unless I misunderstood your posting you are assuming that your boyfriend is lying to his ex about the state of your relationship.

First of all, that may not be the case. His ex may just be a friend in need. Once you’ve had a relationship with someone, those feeling don’t just disappear. If this was a serious relationship he probably still cares about her. Not in the same why he did when they were together, but as a friend.

Secondly, in my opinion she is very mentally ill. Even though, based upon what you’ve posted and I am no expert, she may not be suicidal, she’s still SCREAMING for help. Your boyfriend seems to be the only one listening. He’s probably afraid that if he ignores her she really will do something to harm herself.

She sounds like a class A manipulator. I am dealing with a similar problem, although not on the same level you are and Clyde (from Clyde’s corner) gave me some excellent links.

http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People
http://www.rickross.com/reference/br...washing11.html
http://www.egyptsearch.com/forums/ul...3;t=004171;p=1

Finally, I’d like to suggest that you issue is less about her, and more about trust in your boyfriend. If this relationship is serious, you really have to deal with that issue. Has he given you any reason to distrust him other than this situation? While this situation is the one that is the most obvious at the moment, I would really explore the source of the distrust.

I wish you all the very best of luck.

Thanks Perna and AAAAA for your thoughts and advice. I do really think she needs help and I have nothing against helping her, but do you think I should involve myself more in this or just let him deal with it?
I'd like to know what's happening, I think that's more what is annoying me in this. Being left in the dark, it makes me feel like I should make the most of the moment until her next panic attack or suicidal thought.
Perna, I'm not comfortable with giving him an ultimatum to finish it because supposingly there is nothing to finish and I know him, I know he's not playing with my head or hers, he's trying to avoid trouble but I guess very passively which in the long term would make it worse right?!
This is hard to confess and I feel very bad about it, but I've checked a few of his messages and that is how I know she still contacts him and he ignores her by lying to her with stupid excuses rather than just telling her to leave him alone or that I'm with him. I should say that earlier in our relationship, she knew I was with him that weekend and she called to say she was depressed and thinking about doing something to herself. He had to go and leave me then. So there is this risk that if he told her he was fine and happy with she might threaten to do something again, which I don't know how to get him to consider that it could be just manipulation.
I love him so much and don't want to loose him and sometimes I think he feels bad or guilty for having found himself in this situation which makes me want to be there for him even if it hurts but how do I get him to realize this is serious and he can't just wait until the next suicidal call! and how do I do it calmly without getting myself heartbroken too.
Many thanks for both you Perna and AAAAA, I feel much better getting this off my chest, I'll try to check some professional help around and suggest it to him in some sort of way. But if you have any more comments please keep them coming.

Thanks loads
Espoir.

Tell your boyfriend that it's not his problem thus it really isn't. I know it sounds horribly mean but it's the truth. He can't help that girl. If he keeps attempting to help that girl he'll end up corrupting his own life. I think he should tell this girl that he can no longer help her and then completely block her out of his life. Maybe this would give the girl the incentive to let go of her dependency and get her own damn help. I can't say if she's actually mental or not...but either way, she wants his attention obviously. Your a chick...you should know that when a girl makes such a strong effort for a guys attention...it means she wants him.

If it were me and my boyfriend couldn't handle being "mean" or telling her "no"....I sure in the hell would. If she didn't, well...we'd be scrappin. Old school style I know.

Protect what's yours. You seem to love this guy and if he loves you...after much explaining and convo on how you feel about this entire situation, then he should drop her and fully focus on his woman...you.

That's how I'd handle it personally, pertaining to my perspective and imagining if it were me and my husband. I don't know if it could work in your situation. I just recommend not taking bull junk from a girl who wants to corrupt your relationship.

Good luck hun.

She's abusing their friendship and He's allowing it. He could say No at any time and hasn't done it. There's a bond here that's not healthy for either of them. If you were to marry him it would continue. He must break his ties with this girl. Because, otherwise, he'll be trying to handle the emotional connections of her, himself, and with you. He's got too much on his plate.
You can refer her to someone to talk to but I don't think she'll listen to you because she feels she can trust Him.
Best Of Luck
Ocean

She's abusing their friendship and He's allowing it. He could say No at any time and hasn't done it. There's a bond here that's not healthy for either of them. If you were to marry him it would continue. He must break his ties with this girl. Because, otherwise, he'll be trying to handle the emotional connections of her, himself, and with you. He's got too much on his plate.
You can refer her to someone to talk to but I don't think she'll listen to you because she feels she can trust Him.
Best Of Luck
Ocean

She's abusing their friendship and He's allowing it. He could say No at any time and hasn't done it. There's a bond here that's not healthy for either of them. If you were to marry him it would continue. He must break his ties with this girl. Because, otherwise, he'll be trying to handle the emotional connections of her, himself, and with you. He's got too much on his plate.
You can refer her to someone to talk to but I don't think she'll listen to you because she feels she can trust Him.
Best Of Luck
Ocean

She's abusing their friendship and He's allowing it. He could say No at any time and hasn't done it. There's a bond here that's not healthy for either of them. If you were to marry him it would continue. He must break his ties with this girl. Because, otherwise, he'll be trying to handle the emotional connections of her, himself, and with you. He's got too much on his plate.
You can refer her to someone to talk to but I don't think she'll listen to you because she feels she can trust Him.
Best Of Luck
Ocean

She's abusing their friendship and He's allowing it. He could say No at any time and hasn't done it. There's a bond here that's not healthy for either of them. If you were to marry him it would continue. He must break his ties with this girl. Because, otherwise, he'll be trying to handle the emotional connections of her, himself, and with you. He's got too much on his plate.
You can refer her to someone to talk to but I don't think she'll listen to you because she feels she can trust Him.
Best Of Luck
Ocean

your boyfriend could put an end to this immeadiatly if he wanted to....he owes her nothing, take this as an indication of how he handles things of this nature and do the right thing...move on! love is always a "decision" he's made his...he wants to play both of you

I would like to put a different spin on this issue.

While I agree the ex girlfriend does seem to have some issues with letting go, it also sounds like she is in need of some great intervention too. Is she being manipulative? Possibly yes. Is she reaching out to the only person she knows who will listen to her and in her own irresponsible way asking for help? Very possibly. Is it also possible she has a great fear of what her problems are and doesn't have the ability to ask a stranger for help? Again, yes a definite possibility.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend has a big heart and wants to help, not hurt. Many times, those of us in situations such as this feel guilty if we don't respond (regardless of how it may affect current relationships) and they try to find a balance in responding and keeping the current relationship afloat.

I don't think that an ultimatum towards your bf would be a benefit to you or him at this point. What I do think would be helpful is to help him to understand his role in getting his ex some much needed help and support from professionals.

At times we have to make it crystal clear to someone who is suffering that you will supply them with options, but that they have to take the initiative to research those options and decide what is best for them. We can then support the individual by helping them access the support they feel is appropriate and then stepping back from the situation.

Right now it sounds like the lines are muddied and no one really knows what role they should be playing. Communication is key. Maybe your role is to find helpful information for your bf to pass along to his ex. At the same time helping him to understand that he is ultimately not responsible for his ex's well being. He really has no control over what she does. I'm sure he is having issues with guilt. It wouldn't surprise me if she is laying the guilt trip on him thick and heavy.....but it's his responsibility to understand that threats from her do not mean he should feel guilty. There are ways to work through this.

I wish you all well and hope you can find a happy middle ground. Ultimately I think what your bf needs to learn and understand is that he is not the reason for her illness....he is just a catalyst that she plays into and is trying to manipulate without having a clear understanding of how it is affecting herself, your bf and you. (if she is depressed, it doesn't matter to her right now, she can only see herself in this).

Take good care!


sabby

SORRY SO MANY POSTED!! I ONLY CLICK IT ONCE I SWEAR!!

No worries Ocean...it was the PC bug that got hold of your post and must have liked it so much it posted multiple times...LOL


sabby