[LMo]

Ok, I've been chronicling my debacle with my brother for a few weeks now, but in summary:
- I am 38 and my brother is 36
- my elderly (84) dad is terminally ill with cancer and has only a few more weeks left, we think. He is completely bedridden and can no longer speak or do anything for himself.
- neither my brother nor I live within driving distance from my dad; my brother has a 2 hour flight and I have between 5-10, depending upon whether I can get the once/day direct flight or not
- I have not had a good relationship with my dad since I was a teenager. I have come to realize that he has never respected ANY women, and am starting to feel a little less bad about the part I may have played in our poor relationship. It might have been a guaranteed lost battle if I had been anything except submissive to him (which is not my nature)
- my brother has a terrific relationship with him; partly because he always did exactly as my dad told him to, and partly because my dad just seems to respect men more
- just because my relationship with my dad has been strained, I still love him very much and am doing my best to care for him at this time.
- I have been flying to the east coast on weekends every 1-2 weeks, and had been alternating weekends with my brother until very recently, when we've both been here since we suspect that we're close to the end
- my stepmom is my dad's full-time caregiver, and while they haven't had a very loving relationship over the past 20 years (my biological) mom died when I was 15), she has been doing her absolute best and I am grateful for it
- my brother is grieving terribly - he loves my dad more than I've ever seen him love anything or anybody, and he is consumed with protectiveness and sorrow at this time

Ok, that's the summary. But what I am about to ***** about is a continuation of how I'm feeling progressively worse about my role in this family, and it's getting to the point where I don't want to come back here anymore. I feel THAT alienated; as if my presence is pointless.

When my brother is at my dad's, he shoves everyone aside and assumes the role of primary caregiver (which he is not). I've talked with him about it and while he acknowledges that he does do that, he is unapologetic because he feels that he can care for my dad with the most love, which is probably true. But that doesn't mean that I am incapable of doing ANY of the care, and it hurts that I feel that I almost have to ask my brother's PERMISSION to feed my dad, or push his wheelchair down the hall, or whatever. He constantly corrects me if I try to talk to my dad, telling me what I should or shouldn't say. It is undermining and frustrating.

I have already expressed here my frustration at trying to give my dad some Christmas baked presents that were meaningful, only to have my brother push them aside in favor of his gifts. Now this weekend, it's a continuation of that. I brought some homemade jam and made toast for my dad - my brother took out some other type of jam and next thing I knew, he was feeding that to my dad instead. I bought a 35mm slide converter and had slides and home movies converted to digital media, and my brother set up the projector in my dad's room while I was sleeping and next thing you know, he had shown my dad most of the movies/pictures without me there, taking all of the credit. Last night, I prepped the ingredients for our breakfast and my brother knew this, but they didn't wake me up for breakfast (mind you, I live in a time zone 3 hours behind so I don't naturally wake up at 7am when visiting the east coast) and my brother had made a completely different breakfast, leaving my prepwork untouched in the refrigerator.

After breakfast, my stepmom was rubbing my dad's cheek and next thing you know, my brother is giving my dad a full-blown back rub and my stepmom was rubbing my dad's hands, my brother was smelling my dad's hair saying how much he loves the smell and wishes he could bottle it, and I sat there feebly with my teeth in my mouth, feeling as though my choices were to try to compete in the "who loves my dad the most" contest or appear to be a cold, uncaring daughter. YES I know that there is a middle ground, which is "don't feel threatened by it", but MAN, it's really hard not to when there just isn't any room for me to express otherwise. Simply no room.

I'm just venting, but as I do, I realize that I am experiencing jealousy toward my brother, which is an emotion I rarely have felt in my life up until the past few months. I remind myself of Timmy in South Park, in that famous episode where Timmy and Jimmy get into a... well, fight. If you have seen the episode, then you'll know what I mean.

I think that my brother and I desperately need family counseling but I don't see that happening anytime soon. He is too obsessed with my dad's care to consider anything else. He has apologized to me twice about never asking about my pregnancy, so he does seem to acknowledge that he is singularly focused on my dad, but all it did for me is reinforce my black sheep feeling that I am of lesser importance in this family.

My feelings are so infantile - I am not belittling myself when I say that - they truly feel very base and unevolved. You'd think that after 15 years of therapy I'd be able to rise past being so this sensitive. But actually, in general I am NOT particularly sensitive which is why these feelings are so foreign to me. I just don't know how to adjust myself to them so that I can stop hurting and start accepting.

Thanks for making it this far. I'm sorry I haven't been much of a supporter to others lately.

[LMo]

ARRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH

While I was writing this, it turns out that an aunt of ours, who we haven't heard from in a long time, called and that my brother talked to her for 1/2 hour, then hung up. I asked him why he didn't let me talk to her, and he said "oh, I didn't think of that. Sorry".

[nothemama8]

LMo, it sounds more like your brother is feeling guilty about not having been around more so when your there he has to show that he's the best child, don't be so hard on yourself
Your the cherry on my Hot Fudge Sundae
xoxoxoxoxo
Angie

[Rhapsody]

<font color="purple"> ((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS ))))))) </font>

I am sorry that you are having to deal with immature sibling rivalry at this time in your life..... as you need to be just as much a part of your father's death as you were in his life and your brother still seems to be trying to get all of dad's attention and love (like he probably did in child hood) - that which we expect to see from a five year and not that of a thirty something year old man.

Please try and relax your emotions and mind as much as you can - breath often and take short walks if you can when your brother stresses you..... for if I know any thing about you I would say that you still desire to have an intact relationship with your brother after your father passes.

[Perna]

I would do my best to concentrate on the fact(s) that:

(1) You and your brother are only coming together for this no-win event.

(2) Your father will die soon and probably does not see/understand any of what is going on now and probably would not change how he responded or felt about it even if he did. He's not suddenly going to beome lucid, sit up, and annouce, "LMo is the best child in the land!"

That being so, do you want/will you have a different relationship with your brother afterwards than you did before or would have had if your father were not dying?

You will go your 7 hours away and he'll go his 2 and. . .? What do you want from this whole encounter/experience? If it is so "against" you and painful, I would leave and maybe come back for the funeral, maybe not, depending on whether you want to support your stepmother or not?

[bebop]

hon I do understand your pain. with my mom she wanted me to quit my job to be there but I could not do that. so I would go up on the weekends but her sisters were always there doing it all. whatever I said was a big fat NO! heck it was my mom! she was only their sister! anyway just wanted to let you know I know how you are feeling. maybe your brother is trying to rid himself of some guilt himself! please take care of yourself. tell your brother that you need time with your dad. that you have things you want to say to him in private. if he is just laying there unable to speak or eat or anything don't worry about feeding him. he is probably past that point. but you do need your time to let him know things. luv ya hon

[AlteredState01]

Here's a suggestion:

If your brother wants to take control of all of the caregiving, then let him!

While he is running around like crazy, this would give you an opportunity to spend what quality time there is left with your father, even if you have never had a close relationship.

It is also an opportune time to talk with your father about things that you have always wanted to say to him. Even if he is not in a coherent state, being with him and talking to him will provide him with what he needs most - comfort!!!

However, if you and your brother are running around trying to prove who is taking better care, then both of you will miss out on one of the most important moments of your life, including your father's! Do you really think your father cares at this point who is doing what?

Your father's impending death is really not the time to compete, nor is it a time to think about yourselves.

I think you are both acting childish and selfish.

I know you already mentioned this, but maybe, just maybe, if you hear it from someone else, it might shake you out of this "infantile" behaviour.

[LMo]

Thanks Angie, Rhap, Perna, Bebop (wait when did you turn green?!!!!!)

I do feel a lot better now. I have decided that this past weekend was my last trip out there. The trip is too hard on me physically and I'm getting really worried about what could happen if I went into premature labor, not to mention what impact the travel stress might be having on the baby. I explained this to my brother and while he wasn't happy with my decision, he didn't give me a hard time about it. I am sad about it but obviously nobody has any control over the timing. My husband is hugely relieved that I'm not going to fly anymore - he has been very supportive but is starting to get anxious about it.

Perna, you know, I do have very strong sisterly feelings for my brother and I do want our relationship to be repaired. I just don't think that right now, in the midst of this tragic time, it's really possible to move forward on that. He needs some time to heal from my dad's death and I do believe that family, in principle, is extremely important to him. Once my dad dies, I am my brother's only link to his history, and I am confident that he is aware of that already. With all of that in mind, combined with the effort I have already made to support my family over the past few months, I feel good about my decision.

AlteredState, I think you might have misunderstood my posts. There is a difference between having childish feelings versus acting childish. I do not believe I have acted childish in the least. I have let my brother do what he feels he needs to do now and for the most part, I have taken the higher road even when he has hurt my feelings. If I can articulate my feelings and demonstrate understanding of them, then I don't think it's necessary to tell me off for merely having them. We can control our actions, as I have already done, much more easily than we can control our feelings. My reason for posting here is to help myself in the evolution of my feelings, which aren't going to change merely because someone tells me that they should. That's like telling someone to "snap out of" depression - nice advice, but extremely difficult to implement. Experiencing my feelings with awareness is the most productive way to grow out of them. Thanks for taking the time to write, though.

Thank you, everyone, for your support during one of the most impactful several months of my life. I think I'm going to be okay now. I really appreciate all you've done by listening to me and showing me that you care

MyMarie, this is Ethelmom and I'm coming out of the "not posting" mode to take a stand against you being labeled. (explanation for name at bottom of page)

I've known you, like, for half my life and if there is anyone who isn't "infantile", it is you.

I could never, ever describe any of your behavior/actions as being childish. You are one of the most mature kids that I know. I'm sorry that you were labeled in such a manner. Don't carry that around with you for a minute. It is nothing.

You are one of the people who has always stepped up and and given sound and caring support to other members. You've been my rock for eons and you know how I appreciate that.

Your decisions are what will work for you best. You pay the cost, (emotionally and physically) to be the boss.

I love you, Ethelmom

p.s. Dangit, y'all, as close as we are, as mother/daughter, i've forgotten your nickname and i'm just gonna give you another one. you are now "MyMarie"(from a wonderful Randy Newman song, I just channeled him) .. and remember, anything that i name you can be overturned in a nanosecond!!

[LMo]

aw Ethelmom - you take such good care of me

it's ok. AS doesn't know me well, and sometimes people here DO need a good talkin'-to, and I do not presume that I never have the need for one myself. The only part I was surprised to read was that I've been acting 'selfishly'. Not really sure I understood where that came from. I haven't really gotten anything out my cross-country trips that wasn't for the higher good of making peace with my father. The rest, I think is explained as a misunderstanding by AS of what I wrote, confusing feelings with actions. I'm not crushed... I can handle a bit of criticism. Who know - maybe I will learn something new about myself? I try to take the valid and discard the invalid.

You are the best, Ethelmom, and I don't know where I'd be without your support and wisdom

con amor,
Agnes

whewwwwwwwwwwwww, wiping brow..........Agnes!!!! can't believe that i forgot my youngest daughter's name. (well, that's a stretch) ethelmom

[bebop]

lmo hon I forgot your due date! oopsy. it is probably not a bad idea not to be flying as much as you are. you need to take care of yourself first and foremost right now.

btw I went green yesterday

[AlteredState01]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
AlteredState, I think you might have misunderstood my posts. There is a difference between having childish feelings versus acting childish.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

So, you don't think your idea of leaving and never coming back is not an "act" of childishness? Whom does it benefit, except your brother?

I don't believe I asked you to "snap" out of your feelings; I merely stated that maybe hearing from an outsider that your are, indeed feeling "infantile" (your word here), which will, in fact, manifest itself in behaviours - like leaving and never coming back (your words again), will snap you out of your line of thinking long enough to REFOCUS on what the REAL ISSUE IS - and that is your father impending death!

And I also keep forgetting that oftentimes, when certain words are used, they are often taken in the most derogatory of ways.

I still believe that your focus ought to be on your father at this time, not your brother and how he is making you feel unwanted and invalid.

It is difficult to explain myself clearly right now, as I cannot go back and forth from each post on this thread to make my point a little clearer, so I shall concede to being misunderstood and wrong about my assumptions.

Besides, I do agree that being very pregnant, the stress and the flying is definitely not a good idea.

Taking care of baby is paramount!

[LMo]

Tact really isn't your strong suit, is it? LOL!

AS, look, I'm not going to argue with you. My dad is dying and this is already hard on me - I don't need to enter into the drama of people here misunderstanding me and me trying to defend myself. One thing you could consider is that I'm only posting the things that are annoying me -- what I have posted here is not indicative of my focus of the overall situation.

Feelings are not actions... remember that.

Thanks for your perspective anyway,
LMo

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((LMo)))))))))))))))))))))

I'm just so sorry...so sorry this is happening now, but happening in a more difficult way than it has to be. I do understand how difficult that is. I do understand how difficult, and confusing it is to lose your father with whom the relationship was strained, difficult. I hadn't seen my father for 14 years prior to his becoming terminally ill.

Anything you feel is OK...you're already aware of the MUCH you are feeling and it gives you a hint of what you're going to continue to feel. Please take very good care of yourself right now. Pamper yourself in the ways that you feel you're lacking from others.

I'd say you're going to continue to have those very childlike feelings, and all across the board, and you're entitled to them.

Your brother can't seem to see anyone but himself and your father right now, so please make sure you take care of you as you can. Whether or not he can help it, I don't know, but the fact still remains that he isn't considering you in this, and I can't imagine how many different ways you must feel about that.

You're all in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope that your brother can open up his experience to the family that he's a part of...all sharing much.

Love,

KD

[Ocean13]

I can totally see where you are coming from. Not knowing your brother, I can hope your brother isn't trying to do anything intentionally to hurt you. He's dealing with his emotions and feels very protective. Or is he worried about inheriting something from your Dad? Is it
purely a game?
Have you been able to talk to your StepMom?

I know it's hard to think that you have to step back right now but you also don't want to cause any problems right now. It's sad that your brother cannot see what he's doing.

When my father died a family member wanted to make all his funeral arrangements. But I was angry at them for even suggesting it because they were never around when he was alive. They stayed away from us. I made all the funeral arrnagements with their help in the end. And thanked them, but just didn't feel they should be doing it.

I hope you and your brother can come to an understanding.

God Bless

Ocean

[LMo]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Ocean13 said:
I can hope your brother isn't trying to do anything intentionally to hurt you. He's dealing with his emotions and feels very protective.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi Ocean:
That's exactly it - he's being very protective and is having a hard time with his emotions. I do not believe it is intentional in the least - none of it appears to be out of malice but rather out of grief.

I did talk to my stepmom and she understands what's going on but she's overwhelmed with her own stress right now and I could never ask her to get involved. I think she's relieved when my brother visits and takes over my dad's care - she needs and very much deserves the break.

My decision to stop flying there is solely based on my pregnancy. The last flight I had, last Monday, required me to get up at 3:30am east coast time, wait in line two hours to get through baggage/check-in and then security, and still I had to run to catch my flight before the doors closed. My back, stomach, and legs ached over the next 9 hours and I had a sudden blood-pressure drop (that happens to me even when I'm not pregnant) but fortunately I caught it before I fainted which is what usually happens. When I arrived home, I had to go straight to work for the next 6 hours, and I found myself stressing out because the baby didn't start kicking for 4 hours. I worry a lot about what my stress might do to her, and with the blood pressure problem, what that might do to her blood supply. I will never forgive myself if anything happens to her because I'm trying to spend every last weekend with my dad.

When it's all over and my brother has had some time to recover, I will have a heart-to-heart discussion with him. I do want to remain close to him. He is my little brother, and if I didn't love him tremendously, his behavior wouldn't hurt at all.

Thanks again for your support

[LMo]

Oh, KD - your post means so much to me. Thank you for thinking of me and taking the time to write. I remember your story with your father, and I know that you truly understand

My dad stopped eating this week, and is being sustained with Ensure only. They put a catheter in and he's barely waking up at all now. We're definitely at the end My stepmom said that she is relieved that I'm not going to fly anymore, and that she is sure that he has no awareness at this point about whether I'm absent or not. That's the hard part about this decision - I would feel awful if there is even a remote chance that he is aware of what's happening and simply can't express it - I would never want him to think that I abandoned him during his last hours. Of course, part of me will always wonder about that and feel some guilt, but I'd also feel guilt if I hurt or lost my baby with all of this, so I do feel that in my heart, I'm making the right decision.

My husband said that he woke up the morning that I was due to fly home, and he realized that if I go into premature labor while on the east coast, then he would both miss the baby's delivery and also that she'd be stuck in a hospital THERE for several months. Both of us have commitments at home that would prevent us from being with her on a full-time basis without a great deal of fallout, and neither of us want to be separated from her (or each other) any more than absolutely necessary. I didn't realize that he was stressing out about my traveling, and wow, how unfair I've been to HIM. It's his baby too.

Thanks again KD - I really, really appreciate you reaching out to me. I miss you

[AlteredState01]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Tact really isn't your strong suit, is it? LOL!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

No, actually, it is not.

Being misunderstood, too, is also something I deal with alot.

I am not looking to argue with you. I, like KimmyDawn, experienced my father's death, very much like you are now.

I had not seen my father in 13 years. My mother called me when he was on his death bed to come home, and I did. When I got there, I had to deal with 2 sisters and a brother who all thought that "what should be done" with my father in his last days was directly against what HE and my mother wanted. (Father didn't want to die in hospital; mother alreay had the appropriate care set up for him at home so this could be done).

They fought like cats and dogs in front of him. One of my sisters went home because she was really pissed. Another sister left because my mother and I would not agree to have him transfered to a hospital. My brother was angry at all of us and was getting tired of having to help lift my father so we could keep him as comfortable as possible (That ticked me off because he was a weight-lifter, for God's sake!) and, of course, he was angry at all of us.

Although my father was not quite conscious of what was going on, I do believe he felt the tension. I made it a point to tell him over and over that he was not going to be transferred to any hospital - that he would remain in his home. I also told him (on the advise from a religious friend of my mother's) that it was ok to let go; that we would ALWAYS take care of my mother; that she would NEVER be left alone. He passed away less than 24 hours after I spoke with him.

In the end, it was only my mother, brother and I who were with him when he passed away.

To this day, one sister has never returned. The other sister comes only at x-mas. My brother is a little better and spends most of mom's religious holidays with her. I am the only one who has honoured the committment to take care of my mother when she needs it.

So, although you do not think I understand what you are going through, I truly can.

And I can only respond to your posts to the extent of what information you provide.

I will certainly admit that what you had written triggered me. Believe it or not, I truly "felt" for you and what was / is happening, and I responded only to what information you chose to reveal.

And although it was unrealistic of me to think that I could somehow "change" things for you, I truly believe that feelings can and do alter our actions and reactions.

For example, look at how my feelings caused me to react to what you wrote...

LMo, my intentions were not to pick a fight. My intentions were only to help you redirect your attention to your father.

Obviously, I failed miserably. I am probably failing miserably this time as well.

Inspite of all this, please accept my apologies and know that your father and your family are in my prayers.

[Ocean13]

You've made the right decision. We may not know exactly what happens after death, but I believe your Father will understand and send you his love any way he can. You two are blessed to have each other. Much Blessings

Ocean

[LMo]

Thanks for your post AS. I figured that you had some personal experience or issue behind your response, given how heated it was. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I know that I've sometimes responded to people's posts that reminded me of my own situation, only to find out later that I "filled in the blanks" of my understanding of their posts with my own details, so I do realize that it's an easy thing to do.

I do disagree with this statement of yours, though:
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And I can only respond to your posts to the extent of what information you provide.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

That's the thing - you really don't. That would be called 'jumping to conclusions'. One way to respond would be to ask question to seek more information. But it's ok - you were trying to help and I appreciate it.

Peace,
LMo

[LMo]

Thanks Ocean - that was sweet. I appreciate it

[snowflake_48888]

I can relate somewhat to those feelings. Before my mother died she went to live with my oldest sister which we all agreed was the best place. My mother attached her emotions to my sister and didn't trust anyone else with her care. One weekend I brought her to my home so sis could go on a mini vacation and I ended up taking mom back to sis's house.

After my mom died I was grateful that she felt safe in my sis's house but yet on the other side I was upset that my mom didn't trust me enough to take care of her.

So I had mix emotions of how I was feeling and how I didn't want to feel that way....but still I was....EMOTIONS......gosh......

I think you are doing the right thing in not flying so much. Unfortunately you can not do much for your father but you can for baby who has a long life ahead of them.
(((((LMo))))))
Thinking of you
Snowy