[Julee]

My boyfriend (13 years my senior) and I have been together for about 12 years. Most of that time we've been cohabiting and splitting our bills down the middle. I recently moved out several months ago however, because I experienced a disappointing lack of support and regard from him while I went back to school to finish my degree and held a job as a domestic worker. He is unemployed (going on a year and a half now). He hasn't settled on a line of work that he enjoys, and has done a number of things in the past, including getting his real estate license, but hasn't pursued a job or made any deals yet. He's an artist as a hobby and he's talented. He's very intelligent, and has tons of potential, but struggles with motivation and seems quite lost in life. He seems to want to work for himself or find some way to gain "passive income" but that doesn't really appear to be in the works.
Before I moved out he was unwilling to be very helpful around the house in a number of ways and also would/could not contribute financially to getting our apartment deep cleaned or fumigated for pests after we had an issue. Our apartment was getting dirty and rundown, and I felt exhausted and exasperated after long days of school and work. I felt that I often had to struggle to improve our standards of living on my own and I didn't like some of the ways he was treating me and talking to me. I brought this to his attention and would usually be met with resistance, hostility, and gaslighting. So I moved out, and he finally agreed to go to couple's therapy with me to repair the relationship. We've been going for months and while I see some improvements, and he claims to have changed, he continues to live the same lifestyle. As his unemployment funds run dry, I don't see him looking for reliable work.
As I get older I'm watching friends and colleagues get married, set long term goals, have families, buy homes, go on vacations, etc. and I feel like a sad onlooker through the glass of a window to a world that I can't access. I will always love my partner of 12 years. He's an attractive, charismatic, funny, loyal and unique man who I know loves me dearly. I care for him deeply. However, he's just lost and immature for his age and I don't think couple's therapy can solve that. Am I going to regret spending so much time in counseling with him years from now? Should I tell him to let me know when he gets his act together?

[Bill3]

It sounds like he needs individual counseling more so than couples counseling.

Personally, I think it is time to move on. But don't tell him to let you know when he gets his act together without also saying "And we'll see where I am at that time."

You deserve better.

[divine1966]

12 years is a long time not to have his act together. Good for you moving out.

Personally I don’t cohabitate with anyone who doesn’t have a consistent gainful employment. I am no one’s sugar mama. There is no lack of jobs out there. Sure people can’t always have jobs they enjoy but there are always jobs.

Sure one can rely on others or on welfare or charity but most people don’t want partners of that sort. I am also an artist, I exhibit in pretty large scale art shows and occasionally sell but it remains a hobby as it doesn’t pay bills. It’s great to have creative things like that but one got to eat. So him being an artist doesn’t explain or excuse his lack of desire to contribute. I’d move on and don’t look back.

It’s sad but you spent enough time and resources on carrying this man. Enough is enough

Sounds like you have supported him through quite a bit of life together. Has he been supportive to you. There is nothing worse than investing time and energy into a partner and relationship to have it end abruptly when things go sour. Maybe therapy is what he needs to find his own motivation.

[sarahsweets]

I agree that he is the one who needs therapy, not you. I dont know how you made it 12 years but a 12 year habit or assumption of you holding it together is hard for him to break. After 12 years he hasnt felt the need to make changes so why should this be different? You deserve a partner, not a grown up man child. I think you should move on.

[Travelinglady]

Agreed. If he hasn't married you after 12 years, I think he's using you. I suggest you move on and establish a life of your own. But you might need support from your own therapist to help you. I say forget all this couples therapy--and don't let his whining about how much he wishes you were back, threats, or whatever he does to try to change your mind deter you. Okay?

By the way, welcome to Psych Central! I'm glad you've joined. We can be a support, too--and even a place to make friends and have enjoyable things to do--like the games.

[Prycejosh1987]

I disagree with you, i think couples therapy is exactly what you need, for the situation you are in.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987

I disagree with you, i think couples therapy is exactly what you need, for the situation you are in.

Did you READ the original post ? It’s a 12 year relationship with no marriage. AND she said she tried counseling and his behavior never changed. He will not contribute to household expenses. He is letting his unemployment bleed away without a job to move forward. He doesn’t work and doesn’t help around the house. This is not a man. This is a child.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Prycejosh1987

I disagree with you, i think couples therapy is exactly what you need, for the situation you are in.

She said they were IN couples therapy and it’s not helping because he refuses to contribute to the household, refuses to work or help out around the house or help out financially and uses her. So why do you say she needs couples therapy?

[Molinit]

You've wasted all these years on this person who hasn't changed a bit. Cut him off completely and get out there. There is nothing about his history that says he will wake up and become an employed, dependable and caring person.

[Prycejosh1987]

Originally Posted by divine1966

She said they were IN couples therapy and it’s not helping because he refuses to contribute to the household, refuses to work or help out around the house or help out financially and uses her. So why do you say she needs couples therapy?

So they can air out their grievances with someone that does not take either side, so both can get each other perspectives. There is a reason why he doesnt do these things, and why he is acting that way, and marriage counselling will help them greatly.