Guy from group

Asks me out and than cancels at last minute. Has happened twice. Honestly i can do better, think he's after one thing. Kind of teased him. Sent pics was manic. Now my meds have been increased and that's really out of the question. But he's not getting the message.

How do i proceed? Group is off due to Covid and I don't see him anymore. He's my same age, kind of cute but I found out stuff i don't like about him. Only was going to give him a chance anyway, but now really don't want to. What do i say to him?

I think it’s difficult for two people who are in a group together to hold onto that. At least that that’s what my therapist says.. From what you say that may not even be the issue, him blowing you off at the last minute.

If you truly don’t think he’s a good person then I say you tell him that you just can’t be with him because of the way he keeps jerking you around. Stand your ground. You don’t owe him anything, much less the time of day..

I hope you have good luck getting rid of the leech.

You don't have to say anything. If he tries to contact you just ghost him. That's what people do now.

It is okay to say "No thanks".

Not necessary or wise to offer any explanation.

All you have to say is, "Thanks, but I'm not interested." You can be direct and honest. If you feel that's too direct, you could always include that it's flattering, but you're not interested. I feel direct is always best, either way.

I think it's extremely risky to get emotionally involved with anybody from a group therapy situation.

You tell him your thoughts, and you need to be honest with him. Chasing can be good but it ends up frustrating. I used to do it all the same at college, women pretended they liked me, but when i went forward to them to hold their hand. They slapped my hand away and kept walking away, only to do it all over again. I didnt become insecure but it made it think i do not need to waste my time on these girls.

I would just say thanks, but no thanks. If you start giving reasons or explaining your thoughts, he will push an emotional crowbar into the cracks in your arguments and you might be left either feeling like you’re now obligated to go out with him (regardless of whether that happens, or not, you’re never obligated to date anyone! You don’t owe people relationships), or wondering what else you can use to put him off. “No” is a complete sentence!

you sent teasing pic and wonder why he is after one thing.not his fault you were manic.

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Originally Posted by LonelyMan you sent teasing pic and wonder why he is after one thing.not his fault you were manic.

How insensitive to people with bipolar. She does not control what he thinks or does. Do you think a girl who shows cleavage deserves to be assaulted? Shifting the blame for men behaving badly onto women asking for it just shows how women have to defend themselves and look out for each other simply because we can’t count on men.

I mean, this is just a thought, but maybe you could bring this up with the therapist or whoever runs the group? I don't think it's appropriate in the first place for him to have asked you out given that it's a group therapy situation. That's how it was framed to me in the past when I did group therapy. That we couldn't do relationships with the other people at least until after the group was over. Sure, you can make friends in group therapy, but honestly, when I did it, the purpose of it wasn't to make friends. I don't know if that helps the situation. But if you feel uncomfortable with it, I would talk to the head of the group (i.e., therapist) in private about it and see what they want to do about it.

I agree with this whole-heartedly. This is a very volatile situation

Firstly, "[...] We can't count on men" - that's a sexist comment, as if every single man out there is the same.

Secondly, it's very sad that a person dealing with BPD does not control her actions but it's a cruel world. You still have to take resposbility for your actions. That guy didn't assault her, he was hitting on her, because she sent him the pics. A natural chain of events.

Thirdly, "How insensitive to people with bipolar. She does not control what he thinks or does" - that's a not an argument at all. What if she killed somebody because she does not control what she thinks? Dealing with any disorder on daily basis is a terrible thing but it's wise to point out "mistakes" like that and do one's absolute best to control or have influence on the similar situations' outcomes in the future.

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Originally Posted by MisterPaul Firstly, "[...] We can't count on men" - that's a sexist comment, as if every single man out there is the same.

I dont believe I said this. But that other person said because she sent pics it she should expect the guy to get a certain message. My point was men thinking that a woman dressing provocatively or engaging in a sexual situation and then saying no, or even sending pics should not lead to an expectation of having sex. Its the age old "she asked for it" because of how she dressed/pics she sent or being drunk around guys/ saying no after sex is initiated. The poor behavior of men is not her problem.

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Secondly, it's very sad that a person dealing with BPD does not control her actions but it's a cruel world. You still have to take resposbility for your actions. That guy didn't assault her, he was hitting on her, because she sent him the pics. A natural chain of events.

Correct but I was responding to the person who asked her what she should expect? Of course he will be interested but "what does she expect" is a blanket statement that men make for justifying poor behavior.

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Thirdly, "How insensitive to people with bipolar. She does not control what he thinks or does" - that's a not an argument at all. What if she killed somebody because she does not control what she thinks? Dealing with any disorder on daily basis is a terrible thing but it's wise to point out "mistakes" like that and do one's absolute best to control or have influence on the similar situations' outcomes in the future.

I fail to see how this mistake and a man getting an idea in his head and thinking its a done deal or invitation is the same as murder.
Maybe I chose the wrong sentence about self control and yes a Bipolar person has to take responsibility but since when is sending pics and someone getting the wrong idea her responsibility to manage a man's assumption?
And it was insensitive, maybe to to a person with bipolar but definitely to Aviza.

I see your point now. What I was trying to say is that sending teasing pics to someone you've just met is not a common thing.

It is understandable that the man could see it as a strong sign of a girl being interested. All he did thus far is this:

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Originally Posted by Aviza Asks me out and than cancels at last minute.

The whole issue here is how to get rid of him, right? He didn't push anyone, he didn't ask for sex or assaulted anyone, right? Furthermore, the way I see it he's not sure what to do, he treads lightly. I think he'll bounce the moment the girl says "thank you, I'm not interested".

I can tell by your words that you're very protective and it's great, however, I honestly believe you've fired too many guns at the poor guy. This man has shown no signs of any abusive expectations.