I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

Yes and no. Right now everyone has open enrollment. Ours ends on 11/20.

Theoretically speaking you can drop your spouse from your plan. But there are various issue with this: courts will order you to reinstate your spouse as there was no court order as divorce isn’t final (in fact no one even filed for divorce!) more so often times court will order for you to keep your spouse on your plan after divorce (for some time, not forever) if your spouse has no other health care options.

So no one drops their spouse before divorce because court will have an issue with that. He didn’t have to be begged to keep his wife on his plan. They didn’t even file for divorce! He didn’t have to scare her!

I think this dude is playing games trying to scare HaveHope presenting her with ridiculous and fake ideas of how divorce works. He demanded she itemizes possessions in the apartment immediately upon her verbally stating she wants to divorce. Supposedly his lawyer told him so. That’s bunch of malarkey. No one even filed yet!

He scared her into thinking she’ll have no health insurance, no place to live and losing her possessions and will have to use his supposedly pro bono lawyer (who supposedly demands she itemizes possessions immediately) and she didn’t even file for divorce !!!! The way he handled all this would make me want to divorce him more

This guy is so full of it

He did try to tell me the other night that he can kick me out of the apartment. I said no you can’t. My name is on the lease and I’ve paid my rent every month. .

I hope to hear from a couple different pro Bono lawyers myself later this week.

This whole thing has become a true nightmare.

He also defends himself and thinks he’s a wonderful and loving husband. He tried to tell me I won’t be happy with anyone. He thinks and is now insinuating I’m an unhappy person so I can’t be happy with anyone. Again it’s not HIM; it’s ME.

It’s nightmarish. But I thought you decided to stay married?

I honestly never ever heard of pro bono divorce lawyers. I know they exist but it is uncommon. Pro bono services would be rendered based on high needs etc Theoretically speaking since you don’t have a job you fall into high financial need. But still you won’t be a priority as there is nothing urgent or not much to contest. Lawyers usually do pro bono for an urgent dire time sensitive situation when someone is about to be deported or incarcerated etc.

You might be able to take a loan to pay a lawyer. That’s what my husband did, took a bank loan. He paid it off quickly.

Oh yeah telling a woman that her expectations are unreasonable and “nothing is good enough” for her. Makes you doubt yourself.

The center for domestic violence told me I may qualify for free legal services because I am unemployed and being abused. I found two sites for pro Bono services based on income eligibility. I submitted my info. One site asked if I am being abused.

I did apply for a personal loan. But without a job, I cannot afford an apartment on my own, nor would any owner allow me to take an apartment without a job. I figure I’ll be the one to move out since he refuses but I need a job first.

Oh that’s a good point. I didn’t think about abuse angle. You might want to keep working with domestic violence people. They should be able to help.

I understand you can’t move out now neither do you have to. Filing for divorce doesn’t mean one or both have to move anywhere. Of course unless you feel unsafe. People rarely ever move out right away even if they have a job. Just not realistic.

You might be better off focusing on job search as divorce could wait. You’d be in a better place and more confident when you have a job, any job

I’m definitely working on my job situation. I received interest from a start up company. I don’t like working for start ups but I’m going for it anyways s

Good luck with start up! That’s great news!

I got a divorce after 18 years of marriage. It was super difficult and very painful, but it worked out for the best in the long run. I've been happily married for 28 years to my second wife and it was a match made in heaven. Sometimes you have to accept defeat in order to get up and walk again. No kind of abuse is acceptable. None. Don't lose your nerve. Stay strong. Ask for help. Focus on healthy relationships. Are you a believer? A relationship with your higher power is the healthiest relationship you can have.

Thank you! I am a believer in fact. What boggles my mind is that I asked God after my last relationship to bring me the man who would marry me. I told God “you know what I need”. And He brought me yet another abusive man. I’m scratching my head. I’ve been most upset and angry about that. I just don’t get it.. I didn’t need yet another abusive relationship!

After this I think I’ll be single for a very long time, if not forever. I’ve been severely damaged by a total of eight abusive relationships in my life, six of the eight being with abusive narcissists.

I want to get emotionally healthy. I know what a healthy relationship looks like, I just can’t seem to find or attract one.

I'm 68 years old and God still boggles my mind. LOL

It has something to do with a Divine Plan. I used to make a joke of it. I wish God would tell me the divine plan so I could follow it and stop getting caught up it tough situations. Then He answered me one day as clear as day, He reminded me that He sends me angels all the time to help me through tough times. When I started counting my blessings it opened my eyes to His grace.

Believe it or not, like Job, you can heal the abusive people by your strong faith. Each one makes you even stronger. Eventually you will start to recognize the tell tale signs of abuse and start nipping things in the bud.

As you hang out in your safety group more and more. You don't have to worry about losing friends or finding friends. The Holy Spirit is very much alive!

I’d not worry about if G-d brought you this man or any other men. I don’t really know if higher powers arrange us meeting new partners but even if that what was the case, no way G-d makes us go to court house and sigh marriage certificate. It has to be something requiring active action from us.

I think you should trust yourself and your own judgment more. Not as much what you think universe or G-d tells you. You were really questioning it when you first met him and then dated and then considered marrying.

You had huge doubts if he is the right choice. If you only trusted yourself more you’d likely didn’t marry him. Trust yourself and your gut instincts. “If in doubt, don’t.” You’d absolutely not have doubts if he was right for you. I had doubts about men I dated and my gut instinct was always right. Trust yourself more. Like even now. He tells you how you should stay married. But what do your guts tell you?

Are you saying she should devote her energy on healing and fixing abusive people? So instead of being with healthy people she should stay with abusive ones and heal them? I am not sure I understand what you suggest.

Follow your gut or follow G-d? Something doesn't sound quite right about this choice. God is all omnipotent, omnipresent and omniscient. Let go, let God.

Nope, I'm saying she should avoid abusive people and abusive relationships and gravitate toward healthy people and healthy relationships. When I left my first wife, we were both abusive and afterward we were both saved.

I don't believe anybody can "fix" anybody else. I don't believe anybody should stay with abusive people to try and fix them.

But abusive people are still people just the same. They can change. Some people have abusive behavior and some people have healthy behavior and some people have both behaviors. I try not to label people in a judgmental way because people change.

She said she married this man because G-d brought him to her. I don’t know if G-d wants us blindly follow without trusting our own judgement. I really don’t know if that’s the case

Also it’s your personal belief in G-d, it’s not necessarily everyone’s identical belief.

In addition they don’t want us to discuss religion on this forum. I only mentioned it in response to Hopes suggestion that G-d brought her this man. Otherwise religion is not to be discussed on this forum

Yes it’s up to people to seek help and get better. People could change but it’s not abuse victims job to heal them. They should certainly seek help to improve themselves.

Thank you. I appreciate your perspective since I do believe in a higher power.

I wish he would tell me his divine plan too. lol. But you know what? Something has always saved me from complete ruination each and every time, and just in the nick of time too. That makes me have faith.

Oops, and yes, we're not supposed to discuss religion on here. I don't know if that includes belief in a higher power. But yeah we should probably curb that type of conversation.

And yes, I do count my blessings every single day.

I know that this relationship has made me far stronger than I've been before. Maybe that's the point.... I've also been told by a spiritual medium that my life lesson is "discernment". So this time, I will learn my life lesson once and for all and I WILL recognize an abuser before I get involved again. Then again, I may choose to be single for the remainder of my life. Sounds far more peaceful for me, given my history of abuse and abusive men.

Agreed. I am not trying to fix my husband. I did think I could heal him (for a brief moment) by doing powerful energy work on him. Now I don't care to do so. He needs to find healing and help all on his own, for himself and by himself, if he ever cares to do so.

Thing is, I knew right before we married it was wrong to do. I chose to go ahead with it because I couldn't deal with a breakup and I didn't want to lose my vacation OR my 7K that I paid. I also had no way to get out of the apartment or our living situation at the time. I spent all my money on the honeymoon, which was non-refundable. So be it. I'm over it. It was the decision I made at the time, whcih only just delayed the inevitable for nearly two years.

My gut tells me GET OUT. I am not backing down from that ultimate plan.... I am just playing the game for now and will proceed with finding solutions and help.

He is home today from work, to my chagrin. Day #3 with him in a row. I was looking forward to having space from him, then he decided early this morning to take the day off. I feel smothered. I had a nightmare about him that drove me right out of bed.

I am in a nightmare that I cannot escape. I wish I could live with my parents again. I wish I had somewhere to escape to.

I am supposed to hear back (I hope) this week on legal services. Therapy is Thursday.

My new therapist suggested in our second session that my husband is cheating or that he has a wandering eye, simply because I told him that my husband had said his new female co-worker has a "nice face". I need to correct him on this...... I do not think my husband is cheating, nor do I actually think he would. I am not sure how I feel about my new therapist now. He is jumping to conclusions and he is assuming things. He told me that I am not the apple of my husband's eye, but that his female co-worker is. Just because he said she has a nice face? I had asked him point blank if she is pretty - and he was honest with me. I don't interpret that to mean he wants to cheat or that he WILL cheat. Geez!

I do NOT need more trauma on top of what I am already experiencing. I am quite angry that my new therapist said this to me. Two sessions and he thinks he knows my husband already?

It's very easy to jump to conclusions. Do you have separate space? I just had conversation with my wife about finding space for peace and quiet. When she comes downstairs, she takes over everything.

Yes it is easy to jump to conclusions. He thinks because he’s abusive and because he’s been dishonest with me a few times that it means he cheats.

We do not have separate spaces unfortunately. Ugh.

It's understandable this would make you upset. I know you have a huge worry about him cheating with another woman, but he has already betrayed your trust in other ways. It's really sad, and obviously hard to move on from. It's hard to keep hope alive when you have had so much hope for your marriage. I know you say that you knew it was wrong, but I doubt you'd have said "I do" if you didn't think you could make it work. I know I thought I could make my marriage work until it was made really clear I could not.

I know it helped me to put my trust, hope and faith in a higher power. I got through the hardest time in my life by reminding myself "these things are sent to try us". You can't keeping living a nightmare. Idk what your therapist is trying to get across, but maybe they're asking you to face your fears? I know that's maybe too much to do right now, but sometimes (usually) the worst case scenario isn't actually the end of the world.

There's only really one way to stop your husband cheating, if you can't trust him, it's to separate, unfortunately. Are you asking your therapist to help you exit the marriage? Or are you still feeling that distrust is your own issue? I really don't think, from everything you've said, that distrust is your issue.

Is anything helping you feel secure in yourself? You clearly have overcome so many things in your life. I get it's exhausting. You deserve a break