I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

I cannot evict him. Both our names are on the rental agreement/lease. He pays his rent every month on time. The only way I can see being able to actually evict is if he became physical with me and I called the police to get a restraining order.

And, yes, it is about survival.

My plan is to not place any blame on him when I announce I am divorcing him, and to not mention the abuse (this time). This time, I am going to simply tell him "This relationship and marriage are not working for me. I am not happy, I do not feel the same way about you as I used to, I want a divorce, and I'd like this to be as amicable as possible".

My goal is to exit peacefully, avoid an ugly and expensive legal battle and avoid reputation smearing, which is what I see him doing if I blame him in any way. He has weaponry in his pocket against me (because I tried to grab his phone from him one night, he calls this abuse), and I can see him trying to tell everyone (our friends) that I am the abuser, and that he is the victim. He's already tried to set it up this way between us to make it seem like I, too, have been abusive. I see his tactics and I want to be a step or two ahead of him.

Yes! And I have high hopes with this new therapist, too.

When I told him he is both loving and unloving, his retort was so are you! Ie, accusing me of abuse.

After the night I tried to grab his phone and when I called the police because I was scared of him? When we were arguing and when I approached him talking out of anger, he physically took a few steps back as though I was going to physically attack him!

So, he's setting it up now to make it seem like I am abusive.

It would be wise to be careful to not have any more escalated scenes from now on.

IMHO, neither of you should be involving your mutual circle of friends in your marital issues. I assume you haven’t told them that he is abusing you. That would explain his actions to now show you as an abuser, too.

I really feel for you, and think you're doing really well, and will come out of this well. In the UK we have laws around coercive control, which could probably have helped me get out of my marriage more easily, if I had been able to get the right advice. It's not just about being physical, it's about being threatening and controlling, but the advisors on the hotline should be able to give you better advice. Big hugs stay strong!

I've only confided in two females within our shared circle who haven't said a word to anyone else and whom I trust. They believe me.

My husband is just being manipulative and doesn't want to take all the blame. He's blame shifting now.

And yes, I am avoiding all blow ups from now on.

Thanks so much.

I do need to feel strengthened and encouraged, so your words are encouraging.

This hotline will help, my new therapist will help, and I will get out of this stronger than ever (is my hope!).

My girlfriend says to strengthen myself as much as possible right now, so that when I do leave him, I leave from a position of strength, rather than a position of feeling worn down, ruined and flattened by him. So that's what I am trying to achieve.

Your other thread that talks about him being a N- as you know, this rallying the flying monkeys is a narcissistic tactic. This is an action of war, in a sense. I’m sorry you are going through it.

I’m sure your confidence is held with those two friends, if you feel you trust them.

Since you have to stay living with him right now, I suggest not escalating anything that he can use against you moving forward. Play it cool and be safe. Although I commiserate on how triggering he can be, go as ‘gray rock’ as you can.

Yes, it is an action of war. And thanks, Tisha.

I do trust these two women... they won't say a word.

I am avoiding all hot buttons right now with him, and my goal is to just keep the peace as much as possible for now.

It is all very triggering, but I'm trying to just stay even keel and level headed. It's not easy, especially when you know you're being abused and when you want it to end as soon as possible.

I’m with him now and feel swirling emotions and anxiety. It’s hard to relax when he could be abusive at any time and when all I’m thinking about is being free of him... but being with him when he’s nice still makes me go into protective mode wanting to keep distant from him. I don’t want to get sucked in by his charm or niceties towards me.

We’ve spent the whole weekend away together for an outdoor concert. Everything has been smooth but I can’t stop thinking of a divorce. Just because he’s nice for a while and treats me nicely doesn’t mean I should stay with him. I know it’s not real love on his part. Or not the kind of love I need. He’ll return to being mean again and will do something else disrespectful. I can’t take it.

Of course he's being nice. He was at a concert for the whole weekend.

He strikes me as a guy who likes to take things in.. the "gimme gimme" approach, in order to feel content with himself.

I might be wrong on this so disregard if that’s not the case.

Was the concert and hotel stay (if that’s where you stayed) booked by you and purchased by you? Why wouldn’t he behave nice then? He seems to always behave nice at these concerts. Why wouldn’t he? He has fun and possibly is under the influence there and you possibly pay for them. It’s not the same as every day life and daily responsibility. That’s not real life

PS was that the trip that he complained about hotel choice you made and paid for? Not fancy enough or something?

We split the whole cost equally. Yes it’s probably easier to be on his best behavior while we’re out having fun. And no, this wasn’t that same hotel. That’s a trip for next summer that we planned. By then, I’ll probably be going alone or with a friend. I bought those tix AND the hotel for that trip.

He is very self centered, self involved and selfish. He is a gimme gimme person.

This morning he wouldn't let me get up until HE was ready to get up, even though I have an interview to prep for and even though I said I was getting up at 6AM last night.

He truly only cares about himself.

I can’t wrap my mind around “not letting” someone to get up. Is it like playful joking type of thing or you for real cannot get up until he lets you? I honestly have never heard such a thing

He begs and pleads with me and practically breaks down if I want to get up before him. It's all about HIM, what HE needs and what HE wants.

I have changed how I view his feelings towards me: he doesn't care about ME. All he sees is himself. He is a true narcissist.

What happens when you tell him how you feel? Have you tried to be honest like that face-to-face?

I have never confronted him about keeping me in bed longer than I wish to be, but I have put down my foot many times explaining that I need to get up now, and have gotten up, regardless.

I learned that there's no point in face to face discussions anymore. He listens, or pretends to listen, he accommodates for a little while, then reverts back to his old habits. He cannot help himself.

No, I meant confronting him with these words: "It's all about HIM, what HE needs and what HE wants." Does he know you feel this way?

I would think that using these words would be the same as saying "you're a narcissist". I guess it could help him confront his issue in time, but also do not think it's worth the risk. I might be projecting too much, but in my experience, the more I raised issues the more I was pulled and pushed and disrespected to the point of violence. @MisterPaul do you really think he could accept responsibility for his behaviour and make a success of the marriage?
@HaveHope I am v sorry for what you are going through. Loads of luck for the job!

He has accused me before of the same thing. He has said to me, "it's all about YOU!" So I've responded with, "no, that is not true. It's actually always about YOU."

That's the only time I've confronted this with him. I have asked him to be more supportive of me, and to listen to me more than he does by asking me how my day was. It doesn't accomplish anything.

I agree with you. The more I confront these days, the worse it gets. He also backtracked from when he tried to take full ownership and responsibility for his abuse in July. Since then, he has reverted back to gaslighting, deflecting and blaming ME. He cannot take full ownership of his issues, that was just lip service in order to keep me from divorcing him back then, and that's been made abundantly clear to me.

I am no longer going to confront him, there is no point in doing so, I plan on divorcing him, my mind is made up, so why bother? I just want to keep the peace until I can get a job and then leave him when I can and am ready to.

And thanks on the job!!!! I speak with her in about 15 mins!

If your mind is made up then yeah, not much left to do. But confronting a narc in the most honest way may actually be shocking enough to make a change if it's possible. I always respected people who stood up to me, even when I was deep down in a narcissistic hole, blind and deaf for the world. Doesn't mean I had good relationships or anything but still... just sharing experiences.