I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

What happened that he became a thief?

@Bill3, He stole from Home Depot last Sunday.

Now I am wondering if he had even planned on telling me a year ago that he had used my credit card a second time without my permission to charge another $300. Now I am wondering if he tried to get away with the second charge (because he didn't tell me about it), and whether he meant to make ME pay for something HE bought.

It's bigger than just stealing something from Home Depot. He manipulated price tags to trick the cashier into giving him a cheaper price.

As for the credit card scam, it really doesn't matter if he had planned on telling you. He didn't ask for permission to use it the second time. He crossed the line and betrayed your trust. $300 is a lot of extra money after already using the credit card the first time. What were the two purchases for?

Yep - he did exactly that.

The two purchases he made on my credit card were for expensive video game upgrades he wanted.

He is on that video game 24/7. He's a child, on top of being an abuser and a narcissist.

I don't love him anymore. I don't feel anything towards him anymore. I see him as being pathological, and just as he is. I feel far healthier than he is, despite any problems I personally face.

I am glad there is no love left in me for him. He squeezed it all out of me. It will make the divorce far simpler for myself and far easier.

I’d not spend a minute wondering anything about him. You often suspect and wonder rather than confronting directly. And I don’t blame you for not confronting him if he blows up at you when you finally do confront him.

But that’s why and how he gets away with things. You sometimes question him and sometimes you just guess, so he knows that’s how he gets away with things, he probably got away with things before with other women too until women get fed up just like you did. What self respecting men takes woman’s credit card without permission and spend gazillion of money on stupid game??! Spend your own money! He is a user

I can’t imagine scenario when my husband would take my card and bought something stupid without telling me. But if he lost his mind and did that, he’d be sleeping outside and his stuff would be packed up and on a driveway. You are too nice. He figured out you’ll won’t do anything about it. Quit being too nice, hope. No more “too nice” hope.

I HAVE confronted him, Divine, on every single little incident except for the stealing. He stonewalls, gaslights, deflects and takes no responsibility for his hurtful and abusive actions towards me. These are all additional abuse tactics that an abuser uses in order to avoid responsiblity.

It's not like I sit passively back, allowing him to abuse me and hurt me. I say OUCH and confront him ALL the time. Hence, his explosions and our nasty fights. He does not accept being confronted with the truth about himself OR about his poor behaviors.

He does not get away with a single thing with me. NOT ONE SINGLE THING.

You really need to understand how abusers operate and what they do to their victims.

I wanted to leave the moment we returned from our honeymoon! I did not have the financial means. Then it got better temporarily. Then I faced him with a divorce in July.

You make it seem like I've sat back and have allowed myself to be a DOORMAT, when I have fought him every step of the way to be respected and not abused.

I resent that..... I am NO doormat. Yeah, I may be too nice, too naive and too accepting of these types in the early stages and that's how I get myself into these situations, but I am NO DOORMAT. I have a LOT of self respect.

And honestly, it's not what an abuse victim needs to hear when they're trying to stand up for themselves CONSTANTLY in the face of abuse, cope with abuse, and also plan to leave. An abuse victim needs to be empowered, and does not need to hear that they're letting the person get away with the abuse. You have NO idea.

I am now at a total loss. I really thought I had that job in the bag, but I did not get it. My former co-worker also told me it seemed from the inside that they were going to hire me.

I have nowhere to go, and I cannot leave. He cannot leave because I cannot afford the apartment on my own. I could liquidate my 401K, but still, I have no job and that money will run out fast. No friend or family member can take me in. I truly am STUCK until I get a job, and Lord knows when that will happen. I am not going to go to a shelter. NO.

I am in a pit of despair. This is my worst nightmare.

I fully understand this feeling. People are trying to be helpful and I think they're forgetting where the victim's mental space is at. Personally, I feel assaulted by my own situation.

It does not at all help to be told what we "should" be doing as if we're not doing enough to help ourselves. It's a process. We're here because we feel safe to be.

Also, it's easy to tell someone to leave without understanding the barriers and fears involved. It kind of comes off as shaming the victim. Being abused in any way is debilitating mentally, emotionally, and physically. We need strength.

Yes, there are reasons why we're in these situations. I'm fully aware about how I got here and why. We need emotional support and encouragement.

Thank you for posting this, @MsLady, and I couldn't agree more. I know I have been guilty of doing such things on your prior threads, which I now wish to change.

And that's exactly what the abusive victim needs - is strengthening, validation and understanding. The abuse is most certainly debilitating and it wears on one's self esteem and self worth. I fight against this all the time with my husband in order to maintain any amount of self respect.

There ARE fears and barriers involved in leaving someone who is abusive.

Right now, I am afraid of setting my husband off , so I am avoiding hot button topics, which means not questioning him in any way and without acting like I mistrust him, when I DO mistrust him. It's a hard line to live by, and it's MOST unsettling to have to continue to live with someone who is volatile, cruel and explosive. It's like walking on egg shells all the time.

And I am afraid of retaliation and a reputation smear campaign when I DO leave him because that's what he would do. I have to approach it without blaming him in any way and by keeping everything neutral, non accusatory and unemotional.

Thank you.

Right now, I'm overwhelmed by what I "should" be doing. I booked off work for today and it's only 530am.. and I've already been here for an hour.

My point is, the "right thing to do" is already in our heads. We are aware to a point which is why we come here.. to mull things over with outsiders and learn new things.. and BUILD. But as I've said, it's a PROCESS to get there. In order to build, we need tools. In order to have tools, we need strength to go and get them.

The fears are valid and it's what draws us closer to our abusers, their love bombing ways, and false sense of security. We KNOW this but it flies out the window when we're faced with real life barriers, whether they're physical, emotional, or mental.

Good idea.

Yes.... I understand this one. Mine is hugging me tightly at night while we sleep and it provides a false sense of love, comfort and safety. When in fact, I do not feel loved, I do not feel comforted, and I do not necessarily feel emotionally safe with him. And he's been love bombing me too a bit, calling me several times during the day to check up on me. I think he sense me pulling away a bit.

I wish there was an answer for the both of us; but there just isn't one immediately available. It's really hard and a HUGE challenge to be faced with.

I think it's survival instincts. We have to behave in ways in order to be least impacted in a given moment. It's why their antics work. It fills their buckets and that's all they need. Life is good.. they get positive affirmation. It's a selfish approach to deal with their own insecurities.

In time, Hope. You'll find an even better job. The owner rubbed you the wrong way so it was probably best you didn't get that job. Keep applying and reaching out.

Yes. It's most selfish. And I feel I am playing a game now.

Thank you. I've applied to three jobs so far this morning. And yes, that owner rubbed me the wrong way, so it's probably for the best in the end. I got a sense of internal chaos and confusion.

What field are you in?

Digital marketing. I have 10 years of experience in my field and can command a good salary. All I need is ONE job, and I am all set. And if I can get close to my desired salary, I can afford our apartment on my own.

Oh, ok. I'm not really sure what that is. All the best! Hopefully he'll move out, willingly.

It has to do with marketing businesses online. And thanks!!!!!!

I'm losing my nerve. I say I do not love my husband anymore, but today I felt pangs of it. I missed him since we didn't text much today. I AM emotionally attached to him in some ways. I know this. It's my weakness through this process. I feel more isolated, being at home and not working. I have friends to talk to here and there, but I am isolated.

He is also very attractive to me, and I am strongly physically attracted to him. That makes this harder. I have to keep my head on my shoulders.

When he comes home, he hugs me, kisses me and is happy to see me. It makes it feel like everything is normal and as it should be in a marriage. But I know it's far from normal and that at any moment, he could take me by surprise with a mean, cutting remark or a controlling comment. Then I am jerked back to reality: it's pathology. And I need to really hammer this into my head. It's not normal... it's up and down, it's a roller coaster and I am walking on egg shells now in an effort not to set him off.

His loving moments are nothing but "grooming" me again, to fall for his charms again so as to keep me hooked. He is in the grooming phase... and it's all a manipulation.

I think part of it is grooming and a part of it is he's moved on. He probably sees these issues as arguements and squabbles.. nothing more, which likely undermines how you're feeling. As long as he's getting the attention and affection from you, he's good.

I bet he's not at all concerned because you're unemployed and need him right now. On one hand, he knows he can't access your finances right now, on the other hand, your situation gives him the upper hand.

Of course, this is my personal opinion based on my own experience with like-minded individuals. I could be wrong and with all the information you've given, I doubt I'm off the mark.

So, enjoy the peace and cuddles if you're able to and keep reminding yourself what you know to be true.

And you know what? Even if you're 100% wrong about him (far-fetch), he's not meeting YOUR needs. So, it's wise to live your life in a way that'll make you happier.

I was thinking today about your mother's comments about the risk of being alone for the rest of your life. I find that bizarre she'd say that. It bothers ME and she's not even my mom. Why would she assume this would be a possibility for you that she'd scare you into staying in this type of relationship? Is that what she's done?

Yes, I pick up that he’s basically moved on.

I’m trying to relax and go with the flow but it’s soooo hard. All I can think about is divorce.

And yeah, I think my dad often drives my mom crazy and she’s stayed out of fear of being alone. She lives her life based on fear. Not a healthy way to live in my opinion. She was probably projecting her own fears into my situation. It’s no reason to stay that’s for sure.

I think you're right. And I think he's enjoying having me be dependent on him, with him having the upper hand, and my being unable to leave him. It gives him all the power - and that by itself, is driving me insane.

I am used to being far more independent. I am used to having my own income and money. I've rarely been dependent in my life, except for a couple instances where I had to live with my parents temporarily while during a life transition. Otherwise, I've been independent my whole life.

So this power imbalance? It makes me feel ill to my stomach. I am not liking it and it's most uncomfortable for me.

I called a domestic abuse hotline last night before my husband came home. I think I will be calling this hotline every day while he's at work and during the week when I am home alone.

It was MOST helpful. The counselor I spoke with was most empathetic and gave helpful advice. She came from a perspective of offering me strength, and to show me where and how I am being strong. She said it takes great strength to be acting like everything is just fine, while I protect myself and plan my exit strategy. She said it takes great strength to keep a level head while being unemployed, job searching, and while living with an abusive husband.

In fact, she was far more helpful than my current therapist!

Speaking of which. I am now changing therapists. I determined after six months of therapy with this one man that he is not knowledgable enough in abusive relationships to truly be of any real help. In fact, I am educating HIM on abuse tactics. That's not right.

So I did some digging and found a therapist experienced with domestic abuse, extricating from difficult relationships, and divorce. We spoke briefly on the phone, and I could tell he is a lot more experienced. We have our 1st appt next Thursday.

I am really looking forward to getting some solid help.... I have not had a good therapist to date, which really bothers me. I cannot blame my therapists at all, but honestly, if I had had effective therapy throughout my adult life, perhaps I wouldn't have been repeating the abuse pattern for so long. I've had really ineffective therapists, and I've been in therapy my whole life! It's truly maddening. I am astounded by how many bad therapists there are.

I think I'm being harsh, but for the right reasons... there's a reason why we're called survivors when we get out of abusive relationships, and that is that not everyone does (survive). I think it's great that you're in therapy, and seeking advice about all this.

Have you gone for any legal advice? Everything you have been through, I would not be surprised if you could get him evicted and get support to become financially stable.

I don't think you will get out of this without a fight, but there is help out there for people that are going through what you're struggling with.

This is a great step! Sounds like they will really be able to help you with this