I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

When I leave him, I am not going to place any blame or confront him on anything further. I know him - he will retaliate and will try to hurt my reputation by telling everyone I am the abuser and narcissist. I am protecting myself right now from any and all harm.

He cannot own up to any of his issues. Yes, I do stand up to him, but I am no longer confronting him. It's a waste and it will only hurt ME.

Sounds like he's really done. Good for you! Keep it up because narcs are known for doing whatever it takes to protect their supply!

Yes..... and I have to be strong enough to not lose my nerve or my level of conviction. He's been sweet lately, but I know it's all manipulation and isn't real or genuine.

He uses me as a freaking bank account all the freaking time. I have to cover him for this that and the other until he gets his paychecks. I am SO freaking sick of this. He is so using me as a banker and it's probably why he married me. I resent this SO much and I hate him. He went bankrupt, so he looked for a new wife immediately to sponge off of and to help carry him. I was sooooo stupid to fall for his antics and wooing me. I feel SO freaking stupid. Kicking myself.

I am not the one to judge people’s spendings as I am a spender myself but I heard that the only way to get out of a rot after bankruptsy is to live within ones means and never borrow anything. Otherwise you’ll end up in second bankruptsy. Many people do.

My husband had bankruptsy ten years ago, his wife at the time refused to get a job and refused to move with him out of the area, so they lived In the middle of no where with no options for him to get a second job so he couldn’t pay bills anymore, and since then he never spends anything he doesn’t have. He ended up going back to school after bankruptsy to better himself

I wonder if you should just say no to your husband on a pretense that he needs to wait for a paycheck. Not talking not buying him basic food, but don’t give him anything that’s not a necessity. Bankruptsy should teach him better spending habits and he should find ways to better himself. He doesn’t seem to! He isn’t learning the lesson

Yeah, he isn't learning the lesson.

I am just doing what I need to in order to keep the peace. He'll probably throw a tantrum if I said no. He intends to pay it all back within one week. It's the principle of the matter. I am NOT his banker or his bank account.

I am so done with this relationship.

Yeah it’s better not to fight, I agree. Keep the peace

How did the job interview go?

I'm trying... last night he told me I'm always angry at him.

I have NO clue. She changed the interview five mins beforehand to a video call, and I was not prepared since it had been set up as a phone call initially. I scrambled, but was not showered and had my hair in a ponytail! Not too professional. I tried my best.

Nothing wrong with pony tail. Many people still aren’t comfortable with hair salons plus many grew their hair long to accommodate masks, hair bands to hold masks in place etc I am sure your hair-do isn’t an issue. And they have no ways of knowing if you showered! I hope you’ll hear from them soon

Thanks for the encouragement! It was actually kind of comical, rushing to put makeup on and a decent shirt mins before the interview started.

The next step is some type of "assessment". I will only move onto the next interview if I pass the assessment. I will hear by Wed.

I think my husband has either checked out of the relationship, OR it's just him showing his self absorption and self centeredness. He was on his video game all night last night, then first thing this morning again as soon as we woke up.

He's SO immature. All he does is play his video game, like a fourteen year old.

He still keeps his baby toys from his childhood. They're stored in our attic, along with piles and piles of his life's belongings that take up the entire large storage room.

I am so sick of this already. I want to end this relationship right now, but I cannot... it really sucks that I don't have a job yet. I'm anxious and depressed. I cannot stand him, and I am pretending to love someone I don't even like. To me, he is just vile - a vile human being.

What a vast mistake I made marrying him. I am paying for it dearly now and have been ever since our wedding.

Pot will stunt your maturity. This is a fact. This may be why he is stuck in the past with video game all-nighters, etc. I think you mentioned before that he smokes. I apologize if I am wrong about that.

He does smoke. He's stunted in many different ways, and not just because of the pot. He is seriously hindered.

I have to be patient and contain ALL my frustrations.

I don’t think I’ve truly forgiven myself for having married him when I knew that he had abusive tendencies. I’m having trouble with acceptance and self forgiveness. It’s really hard for me to accept my reasoning at the time. I didn’t want to lose my vacation? I didn’t want to lose $7000 that I spent? I didn’t want another broken engagement? I should have sucked it up and faced it back then. I can’t believe I made such a horrific mistake.

Actually it's interesting from clinical point of view. I play GTA like a kid every time I want to relax and I'm 25, dealing with pretty serious stuffs on daily basis. A friend of mine who's shown some sociopathic traits (a 28-year-old) follows the same pattern.

Just saying it may be another puzzle that confirms your suspicions, Have Hope.

He’s 48!! You’re a lot younger. I can understand a younger person playing video games often, but a middle aged man? He’s a child in more ways than one. He doesn’t clean up after himself ever (I do) and he loses everything all the time (wallet, keys, phone, wedding ring). He’s irresponsible. I play mom. It’s ridiculous.

No need to blame yourself. I was scammed once and was telling police officer that it’s embarrassing how educated person like myself with so many life experiences could possibly become a victim of scam. He says “why should YOU be embarrassed? You aren’t a ruthless criminal, they are”. My brother said the same thing: “you aren’t the one to embarrassed, you not the a&&hole one, they are”.

No need to beat yourself up.

Thank you.., I really need to hear this. I am far too hard on myself and I do beat myself up over mistakes I make.

I also struggle massively with self acceptance, and self doubt. I had myself convinced that I had acted out impulsively yesterday, then after therapy today I realized I'd done just what I needed to do. My therapist brought up how I am very private and contain my feelings. This is not how I see myself at all, but it really is true that acting "impulsively" on my own judgement has been less of a problem than acting passively due to self doubt. Narcissistic abuse really eroded my trust in my own judgement.

I know what I'm dealing with now when I come up against someone who is willing to take advantage. It really is true that image is everything, so I would keep that in mind.

I had a really weird dealing with someone who I know to have acted inappropriately towards women (nothing the police would get involved with). He had been giving me looks and I went into his place of work, where he is behind a desk, nobody else there, and gave him a note detailing what I had heard about him, how I understood things could be misconstrued, but if it I was made aware of further incidences I would feel obliged to speak to the police...all v polite...I hope he can reflect on the behaviour and see how it could affect his own life etc.
Well, he went on the attack verbally. We were in full public view so I wasn't too worried, but it wasn't nice. I stood strong and countered all his offence with polite disinterest, just repeating that I was telling him what I thought to ease my own mind. Eventually he gave up, decided I was a "nice person" so had "nothing to worry about", and hid behind his computer like a little boy.

I think your husband probably has a v damaged inner child that is just desperate for your approval, and there is a lot of power in showing approval and showing disinterest/disapproval.

It's not nice, and it's hard to get into that mindset. I saw him again today, and he said hello politely and looked a bit scared. I don't like it, but I would rather he was polite and fearful of my disapproval than thinking I was into him and he could make a move...urghhhhhh.

I don’t trust my judgment one bit. This is my seventh abusive relationship! This is why I won’t dare date probably for the rest of my life. I am full of self doubt even at work and despite numerous successes which say the opposite. I have a lot of personal work to do in therapy ahead of me.

It’s great you were courageous enough to tell that man what you knew and to confront it. I have courage myself. The one thing I know is this: I’ve risen to every challenge in my life so far and I’ve overcome each crisis, albeit with support. This too, I shall survive somehow.

I just informed a member of our shared social circle of the abuse. He is appalled. Now three people know from our shared social circle. I am protecting myself in case of a smear campaign amongst our mutual friends.

I hate him. I went out of my way to make brownies for his dinner guest. He said they were “ok”.

Oh. Grrrrrrrrrrrr! He sounds like an A hole.