I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

High on pot is intoxication. It’s not just alcohol at all. Any drug. He is high daily and that’s most certainly intoxication.

Although if there’s evidence of your own intoxication too, you are right, that route isn’t going to work

Adultery sure will

I doubt he’ll be paying alimony after a year and a half of marriage, I’ve never heard of such thing happening. You need to be married for way longer than that and not work for way longer than few months of unemployment.

His lawyer mentioned potential alimony to him. It's possible it seems. Given abuse, adultery and that I unemployed, the law may work in my favor.

He has one night of documented intoxication from me. He is intoxicated daily. But yeah, I don't really need to go that route given abuse and adultery.

Wow. I don’t know anyone to pay alimony after short marriage. I could be wrong then. Personally I’d go for no fault divorce because it’s cheap and quick. Suing him for alimony or collecting evidence of his faults will take time and will cost money and at the end judge might just say “get outta here”. Will be a waste. Imho

Yeah I know he is high daily, but do you have evidence of his intoxication? If not it might be a moot point. I don’t know what proofs they want. That’s why most people don’t bother with at fault divorces as it’s a waste of time and energy. Honestly go for the fastest method.

Are you sure you have enough? Abuse is very hard to proof. People yell at each other, they insult each other, and they make mean jokes about each other ALL THE TIME. It's super easy to talk one's way out of these kind of accusations. You need someting rock solid.

I am going to wait to talk to a lawyer to assess what is admissible evidence or not. Only the law really knows. We can conjecture all we want, but none of us really can interpret the law, including myself.

I don't care about his pot use, and I don't want to bring that into the situation legally.

Why do you want it to be “at fault”? It is only necessary if the other party refuses to divorce or there are some huge assets at play. “No fault” doesn’t mean that no one is at fault morally speaking. It just means you don’t need to collect bunch of evidence for no reason and you can just say “I want out”. Why would you want to do at fault divorce? Don’t make it longer and more complicated than needed

You don't understand. If he moves out and refuses to help me pay our rent, then a fault divorce and trying to get alimony may help me financially.

Let's drop this topic. It's starting to frustrate me. I should not have brought it up for debate.

It's good to know what to ask a lawyer, and your abuse advocate might be able to advise you on that too. I've actually been through divorce without using a lawyer, and also represented myself successfully in court. It is possible to get the info you need to make your case, if you're willing to read up.
I would definitely ask for examples of the kind of evidence that is admissible.
Also you might need to know if it is possible that your husband will contest the divorce, and how that could affect the outcome. Also whether the divorce is likely to be granted if your husband consents, but contests the evidence (that is possible).
In divorce there is a petitioner (yourself) and a respondent (your husband).
The behaviour of the petitioner will not come into question. That would only be in custody cases or in the case of alimony.
I think you can be pretty sure that the law is on your side. I hope you get some proper legal advice soon, and things start moving forward for you

Thank you.

You're in the U.K., right? I'm sure the laws work differently there, but I won't be representing myself, that's for sure. I need some sort of legal representation now that I know more about it.

I just had my therapy appt. My THIRD one this week. My head is spinning with details. I also spoke for an hour and a half with my best girlfriend this morning.

What I know is this: I must educate myself on the legal process and options for divorce. Next week, I will try to obtain additional free consultations from lawyers. The more I educate myself, I know I will be that much more empowered to make the right and best decision for myself legally and on how to proceed.

Ok. Got you. Those are good points.

I'm nervous for him to be home tonight and anxious about it. I don't know what I will face when he gets home... more crying and begging and pleading, or his anger. I just don't know and it's making me nervous. At least I can lock myself in my room, close the door and physically separate myself from him. I'm just nervous.

I am in the UK, but studied a little to do with law and there are basic similarities, as a lot of US law came from English laws. I'm pretty sure on those points in my last post, but that's just the basics, just good to get familiar with the basic principles, and then your lawyer can help you build your case. It's actually very empowering to get familiar with some aspects of law, and it isn't all ongoing battles like lots of people think.
If you know what you're after and know what to ask for, these things can play out quickly, and court isn't so scary. There is a lot of decent people that want to help people out of trouble in a fair way

Agreed. Now I have a little bit more info. I will continue to learn and to educate myself. I will continue talking to lawyers and getting info.

UGH! He came home. MORE sobbing from him. Then I got a sob STORY. He's emotionally "sick", his back is in a ton of pain because he fell down the stairs. More tears. "I didn't want this" he says, and "I love you." I said "you should have thought of that before you cheated'. "I didn't cheat" he says. I said, "we talked all about this. You knew it was the ONE thing that would hurt me the MOST. You knew all the forms of cheating. We talked about it. You knew it was the ONE thing I would divorce you over." UGH. There is NO sense in continuing the conversation.

He needed my blow up mattress so he can spend the night somewhere else. I gave it to him so that I can have the apartment to myself.

I really need to try harder to not engage in any conversations with him, unless it's about apartment and moving details.

UGH. AND... I got roped back into engaging with him and into the argument. He tried telling me he was in "a bad place" and that he thought it was "over" after I called the police, despite the fact that we were still together, married and working on the relationship together. BS! So I got triggered and wrote back counter arguing, saying there is NO excuse for his behavior. NONE. And I went on and on about how wrong he was.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!! I did NOT want to get triggered OR roped back into this conversation and argument.

If he thought it was over he had to say so and file for divorce and at the very least not sleep with you. He is a liar. Don’t engage. And even if he did not cheat, this relationship is too unhealthy to survive

Exactly.

I sent this video to him tonight: I said it sums everything up.

So I fell down and backtracked emotionally. I was doing SO well ignoring him and not engaging in any arguments or back and forth with him for a good 24 hours after Thanksgiving. Then he tried to tell me more BS lies and excuses, and I lost it all over again on him. The rage came back and I let loose, confronting him with the truth.

This is senseless. I have got to disengage permanently, but he keeps telling me these weak excuses, so i counter argue with him, telling him as it really is/was.

I am angry and disappointed with myself. My emotions get the best of me.

I need to get unstuck from the pain of his betrayal and move forward into thinking about a future without him. I am stuck in the pain of it all and it's hard to get out of it emotionally. Seeing him periodically and having him continue to sob to me and give me BS excuses is making things far worse for me.

I told him to stop talking about it now and to only discuss apartment and moving details from now on. I want him to shut the F up.

Close the door and wear noise cancelling headphones. Don’t send him songs. It just strokes his ego how invested you are. Even repeatedly telling him how he hurt you strokes his ego. Tell him it doesn’t matter if it was cheating or not, this marriage isn’t working for you and you are not interested in discussions about it. You have other things to do and other plans.

Sometimes saying less is better. He still is in a power seat able to drag you in. There is power in not engaging

I cannot help myself. I don't feel in control of what I say when I am upset. I let it all out. I almost don't even care if it is feeding his ego right now. That's the least of my concerns. I feel he deserves all my wrath, and he deserves to suffer over his choices.

But I am now disengaging from him again. I told him I will not discuss it anymore and only apartment details from now on. This is what I have to stick to, no matter what he says to me and no matter whether he breaks down crying again to me.