I think I need to divorce but I don't want to lost my nerve

So he is above IKEA but is not above using women as sugar mamas? Great. He got it all backwards. By the way IKEA will send someone to put furniture together if one can’t.

Well we don’t buy used furniture either but we also make way more. When I made less I bought whatever was there and didn’t think twice. Didn’t look for a man to leach off.

This guy is really rubbing me wrong way. I was single my whole adult life and I furnished everything just fine. I am a spender and like expensive things so I don’t judge people for wanting nice stuff BUT with their own money!!!! Well he won’t furnish nothing himself because he’ll find someone else to do it, once again.

He wants couch for 2k, he needs to have a better job or get a second job. He probably doesn’t even make 2k in a month after tax

Ha, you and me both!!! He sponged off his parents, next his ex wife for 14 years, next the woman after her, and now me.

I am only guessing that he will not want an empty apartment if he asks ME to be the one to leave.

I know he doesn't have the money to furnish it. And it's a large 2 bedroom apt. -- we have a full living room, dining room. kitchen, and two bedrooms. He can't do it, nor will he want to, is my guess.

He won’t be able to afford two bedroom apartment anyways. He’ll need roommates. If he is the one staying he’ll find people to move in and maybe bring furniture with them. People like him find their ways. If you brought furniture with you, he can’t have it no matter how and what he wants.

Well, thing is. I want to be the one to stay, and I want him to leave. That's the thing.

He’ll likely leave as he can’t afford it anyways. Fingers crossed

Fingers crossed yes indeed. Thank you.

I called the local domestic abuse center and left a message for an advocate from the center. I'd like to know how they can help, and if they can help, in terms of forming an exit strategy and plan. Apparently the center is closed during COVID. I hope someone can help me.

I am getting very anxious about how he will react when I face him (again) with a divorce, and when I tell him this time, it's final and for real.

My anxiety is very high again.

I have my intake on Friday to get set up with an abuse advocate. I am not sure yet specifically how this will help me, but I seek to empower myself in every way possible right now. At the very least, it's additional support.

This is rubbish. I was looking at volunteer options for domestic abuse hotlines in March, as they usually offer training, and it was all suspended. It's obviously going to be more of an issue during lockdown, with more people being more isolated together. I know more about the law in the UK since my divorce, but no ideas about how things work where you are.
We have Citizens Advice Bureau here, which is free legal advice, but the advice I got from the advisor there was really poor (stay away and wait two years to petition for divorce). She had no interest in what had occurred in the marriage, and my concerns about financial abuse (I was being blackmailed at that point).
It's crazy. Do any of your friends that you have confided in, or could your therapist know anyone with legal expertise?
If I was you, I would definitely want a comprehensive strategy, and a plan B, and a plan C.
Hard times @HaveHope

That's good news!

@KBMK,

Thank you!

Hard times indeed. They said they're closed, but I think they mean the physical facility. They are still working remotely now, so I can still get their support, thank goodness!!!

I want a comprehensive strategy too -- a full plan and course of action.

This morning he barely said "hello" to me when I got up and came downstairs to greet him. Then as he was leaving, he barely kisses me and barely says goodbye to me. So I ask him "what's wrong"? He grumbles to. me that he doesn't feel good, and is about to walk out the door. So I ask, "what do you mean? What's wrong with you?" So he gets mad and barks at me, "Why are you probing me?! Why are you asking me all these questions!?" So I tell him, "I'm you wife! You told me you don't feel good, you barely kiss me goodbye, so I am asking what's wrong! WTF!" He manages to tell me what's wrong, but made it clear he was angry that I would even ask. Then he called me a few minutes later at an attempt talk, and he gets mad all over again and tells me his day is ruined, insinuating it's MY Fault.

What an a-hole.

Like your therapist was saying before, I suggest, don't let his grumpiness ruin your day. Don't give him that power over you. If he wants to mope around that's on him. If he wants to come to you for help that's fine. Otherwise, go have a good day and let him sulk.

Sorry you didn't get any good feeling from him. Maybe reach out to family or girlfriend to cheer you up.

@guy1111, thank you, although I am really tired of being his punching bag. REALLY TIRED. And I am exhausted from having to stand up to him all the time.

I will try not to let this ruin my day though.

I am talking to a girlfriend this morning and I have my therapy appt this morning too. Thank goodness.

It turns out he is angry about a conversation or argument we had last night.

Last night he told me that he ate his secretary's uneaten sandwich for lunch. I got ruffled by that and upset because to me, this is boundary crossing. I've NEVER eaten a co-worker's food... not EVER. That's a professional boundary for me. But NOT for him, apparently. And he tells me at his workplace, people do this all the time.

But he interpreted it as though it meant I(or that I was insinuating) that he is cheating on me or that he has a thing for his secretary -- this has been a repetitive issue for us around trust and other women.

All I was upset over was the boundary crossing. But we talked about it, and we dropped it last night, or so I had thought.

But he brought this up into our conversation this morning, and putting two and two together, I now see that he is angry because I got angry last night about the sandwich.

And so his way of dealing with it is to treat me like CRAP, barely kiss me and barely say goodbye to me this morning.

I AM SO SICK OF THIS. I am so sick of the way he treats me. And I cannot do a single thing about it right now. It's maddening.

I am talking to my therapist today about possibly taking out my 401K.

So now he thinks because I was upset he ate the rest of his secretary's sandwich, that it means I am accusing him of cheating! I wasn't! I made it clear last night, and again just now on the phone, that it was strictly a boundary issue.

And we just had a huge argument about it.

I am SO DONE with this F-ing relationship. I need a better solution and plan. Waiting around endlessly for a job to materialize may not work.

It's not likely he's really telling you what he thinks, or what he's feeling. I would imagine if you're decided that your relationship is ending, he'll have a sense of what is going on. I can't imagine how you could keep working towards the marriage functioning (in terms of communication/affection etc.), at the same time as getting out of it. I know it's easier said than done, but if you're decided on ending the relationship it's a good time to start distancing, not giving so much attention to him.

I can't do that because he doesn't know I want to leave..... I have to put on the act of working on things.

Why do you have to put on an act of working on things?

This is what I've been explaining all along.

Because I have no job, no income, no place to live and if he suspects anything is wrong, he could ask me yet again "do you not want to be in this marriage"? and then kick me out of the home. I have to play along as though I do want to be in the marriage until I have a job, income and a way out. I am acting right now and I am pretending that i want to be in this relationship. It's for self protection and for self preservation.

Therapy was OK this morning. He gave me a 3-4 month plan to get out of my marriage. He gave me some strategies around how to deal with his abuse. What we didn't talk about was my plan B and plan C if I need to get out of my marriage NOW.

And I'm feeling VERY desperate to get out of this now. Most desperate. I cannot keep going through this for several more months. I just can't.

Hang in there Have Hope!

thank you.

I'm ABOUT to blow my lid with him. I am at the end of my rope and with this so-called marriage. I want to end it NOW. I cannot endure this crap one more measly minute.

I may throw caution to the wind. I may just take out my 401K and say F you and get the hell out.

How can he kick you out??? He surely cannot