Large Age Gap and Narcissistic Tendencies

Thanks for the replies. I suppose I’m questioning why he lives with his mom at age 42, when he has the means to move out, and have her cook for him, clean up, etc. Yes, he does contribute to the household in other ways and provides for his mom. But wanting daily contact with her, taking her to live with him on a deserted island for lifetime, him canceling dates to help her with “something”, I don’t know but it screams enmeshment. I’m still trying to figure it out, I understand we all love our families (if it’s an otherwise normal healthy upbringing) but I feel he’s not psychologically oriented for a relationship, much less marriage. Am I just ruminating too much on this, I feel like I’m stuck with my thoughts on this and I talked with a few people in my close circle to get an outside perspective

Everything you think is weird about him and his mother seems pretty weird to me too.

I guess it really doesn't matter what we think. It clearly bothers you and you feel this level of connectedness is unhealthy. You own your thoughts and feelings so I would just go with your gut instincts and let this one go.

Are you wanting to be with him? Is he marriage material to you? Can you see yourself having children with him? Are there more pros than cons on your list?

This really made my ears perk up. For cancelling dates to happen in the plural seems to me to indicate where his top priorities are.

Whether or not their relationship represents "enmeshment", it does seem to take priority over his relationship with you. In other words, their relationship doesn't have be proven to be pathological in order for you to opt out. If you don't want the arrangement that he is offering, by all means step away.

I’d not want a relationship with a man who thinks I should worship the ground he is walking on. Regardless if he lives with his mother or alone, you can do better than this man. At 23 or at any age you have options. Don’t sell yourself short

Canceling dates? Makes me wonder if he's seeing someone else, as well.. ?

I thought the same thing. Dating more than one person. I also thought that when he says he is “spending most evenings with his mom” might not necessarily be true. He could be spending it doing who knows what. He simply isn’t available

He’s not seeing anyone else. That I’m certain of and I’m not going to detail why I believe this. That’s just pure speculation, he prefers to be home watching tv with her most evenings.

Either way, I will have a discussion with him and go over my concerns. Thanks again everyone

If he prefers to hang out with her most evenings rather than with you, that’s your answer. He is unavailable. Doesn’t matter why he is unavailable. It’s not always other women.

Could be preoccupations with jobs, hobbies, substances, friends etc sometimes seeking unavailable men might be due to upbringing and its subconscious.

I used to get attracted to unavailable men myself, took me a bit to get myself to stop the pattern. You are still young. You can share your concerns with him but if he is unavailable at age 42, it’s unlikely he’ll be available all of a sudden. Plus I think you deserve better. If a man doesn’t prefer you, no amount of talking will change that.

You will meet a man who’ll prefer your company (not saying he should abandon other things in life) but the way you describe this guy he is not relationship material at all.

What he is showing you is a relationship has to be on his terms. His availability will always be on his terms with anyone. That's why he is still single.

Haven't you already.. multiple times? I'm not sure what validation you're going to get from him now. If he prefers to watch TV with his mom, that's your answer. If you can convince him to do otherwise, it won't last.

What do you suppose will happen when his mom passes on? If you feel this may be enmeshment, how will that behaviour translate over to you when she's gone?

You can’t make people to be more into you that they are. You can have a discussion about him not leaving wet towel on the floor or forgetting to take garbage out. Those are not fundamental values. You can’t discuss that you want people to enjoy your company more. Its pointless. They either do or they don’t. That’s who he is and that’s where he is in life.