So, I'm not going to give details. But here is the gist: a person was hurtful to me. It was a person I met from online dating a year ago. It did not work out.

He texted me recently very randomly and out of the blue, and was rude / hurtful. He'd said he was drunk.


In response, I told him to go **** himself and to learn how to speak to people. I then blocked him.


This may sound weird in this context I've given, but I feel extremely guilty. I think this person may be misunderstood and may have untreated mental illness. Also I know it's covid, but I worry about what if I ever see him in public? It might be awkward.


There was a part of me that was thinking about apologizing. Or just wishing him well. Because I don't want my *****y side to be the last thing someone sees before I block them.


I've been treated poorly a lot in my past though, and just took it.


I don't know why I care so much. We did share something special, back then. But he was not healthy. I was also working on my ****.


I just feel unsafe when talking to him. He does not feel like a safe person. Thinking this over, I think..........just dropping it probably what I'll do.


There's a part of me that wants to "Try to understand him," and "maybe I misunderstood him." He speaks very vaguely and doesn't communicate well in that when I am direct, or ask a direct question, he ignores it.


I think I just need to leave this though and not communicate anymore with this individual.


Advice and support is welcome. Criticism is not welcome.


Is it okay to just leave this and not apologize? How do I cope if I ever see him in public?

[Yaowen]

Dear WovenGalaxy,

I am so very, very sorry that you are suffering this distress. Wish I knew what to say to ease the inner conflict you experience. It is painful to be conflicted about things like this. I know this from unhappy personal experience. Sadly I don't have the knowledge, experience or insight to offer any helpful advice. I do want to tell you that I think you are a very good person. My heart goes out to you. I really hope things work themselves out for the best. Sorry for my poor and pathetic response to your distress!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Originally Posted by Yaowen

Dear WovenGalaxy,

I am so very, very sorry that you are suffering this distress. Wish I knew what to say to ease the inner conflict you experience. It is painful to be conflicted about things like this. I know this from unhappy personal experience. Sadly I don't have the knowledge, experience or insight to offer any helpful advice. I do want to tell you that I think you are a very good person. My heart goes out to you. I really hope things work themselves out for the best. Sorry for my poor and pathetic response to your distress!

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen

Yaowen, I think you are a very good person too. Thank you for reading my post and acknowledging that this is something I'm struggling with. I hope you have a great day.

[indigo1015]

I can definitely relate to feeling guilty over responding like that. My personal two cents is that you don't owe him anything, he is the one who owes you an apology should you ever cross paths in person. He was wrong to text you when he was drunk and say hurtful things, regardless of whether or not he may have mental illness. That doesn't excuse bad behavior. Remember, he is not your responsibility. He needs to own his words and actions. You set boundaries with him and that is okay. I hope this helps, and I promise that in no way is it meant to sound critical. I think you handled the situation a best you could in those circumstances.

[RoxanneToto]

I think I would just leave it - I can sympathise with feeling guilty when you stand up for yourself, but I also think you did well standing up for yourself this time. It doesn’t sound like he respected you as much as you deserved, if he was being vague and ignoring your desire for more straightforward communication - that’s never a good sign, neither is feeling unsafe when you’re talking to them.
I don’t have much advice for if you see them in public, however. Maybe if you do see him, go with what your gut says? Sorry I don’t have great advice either! Best of luck, anyway. But in my opinion it would be ok to leave this as is.

[Open Eyes]

@WovenGalaxy, I think that you are a caring nice person at your core. It is most likely the codependant part of you that experiences the guilt and that maybe you should give up your boundaries and let him in.

The thing about evil as is shown in so many scary stories is that it can only get in when you INVITE it in. When we are young our parents tell us to beware of strangers offering candy. What this means is that toxic people ALWAYS develop ways to get you to LET THEM IN. For example, when I look at my inbox for my emails one thing I do get a lot of is emails from so called psychics and fortune tellers and tarot card readers. I click on them not to use them but to see what they are using to get me to LET THEM IN. These individuals have learned how to PROFIT from what might be whatever is challenging you and they put a lot of effort into presenting something that may fit with you and then once you open the email they tell you something and then they tell you they can help you and how important it is for YOU to let them help you. They want you to PAY them, and the only way they can do that is IF YOU LET THEM IN.

The other night I watched a documentary about one of the worst serial killers that ever existed. This individual was even a contestant on The Dating Game and he was so charming he won. He was also good looking, yet, he tortured and murdered many women and one of his victims that survived was only eight years old. This horrible human being learned how to convince women he was nice and he could charm them and they all LET HIM IN. He killed them all. These individuals are often very intelligent, when they were searching for him once they learned his identity they went to talk to the teachers at the college he went to and the teachers talked about how smart he was and good natured he was and said he would not harm a fly. So these individuals can present others with a personality that comes across as very charming because they have to be that way in order to get their victims to LET THEM IN.

When you come across someone online they too will do and say things to get you to "let them in" for whatever they need of you. This type of individual already knows how to pick their victims. Just like these individuals who send me emails that tell me they care and can see I am suffering or am in danger and if I LET THEM IN they can cast a spell or tell me how to prevent whatever danger or even some special person that wants to be a part of my life that I need their help with paying attention to.

So when you do let anyone in and things get strange and you pull back, you do not OWE THEM anything. You do not have to "try to understand him" nor do you have to save or care about him. It's ok to SAY NO and decide NOT TO LET THEM IN.

Now that so many engage online with dating sites and even support sites like this one, these tend to be places toxic individuals or disordered individuals also engage. A site like this can be trolled by individuals looking for a certain kind of "ego fix". While it may seem someone is here for you, truth is they are here for themselves. It's very similar to all these emails I get from tarot card readers and fortune tellers and psychics.

It's OK to be suspicious and guarded and to even distance from "drama" that is often created by individuals that NEED people to join them while they satisfy their need for attention. These are typically individuals that are ok with reinventing themselves due to distancing from an identity they formed that did not work for them in some way. This takes place even on dating sites or often these tarot card or psychics have more than one ID where they pick out things that you may need that will work so you INVITE THEM IN. These type of individuals are only engaging to fill their own needs, and to get you or others to engage and LET THEM IN. Sometimes a person will change their identity on a dating site too. They never really do meet you in person either.

Bottom line Woven is it's ok to say "no you can't come in" to anyone that feels off to you. You do not have to feel you did anything wrong either. You tend to care and don't want to cause harm, and you have been hurt so you don't care to hurt others the way you were hurt and you are conscientious. It important to decide that you don't have to figure out this other person's needs or problems. It's ok to decide to shut them out and not invite them in.

@indigo1015 @RoxanneToto @Open Eyes

Wow thank you so much you guys. Will respond more later.

Originally Posted by indigo1015

I can definitely relate to feeling guilty over responding like that. My personal two cents is that you don't owe him anything, he is the one who owes you an apology should you ever cross paths in person. He was wrong to text you when he was drunk and say hurtful things, regardless of whether or not he may have mental illness. That doesn't excuse bad behavior. Remember, he is not your responsibility. He needs to own his words and actions. You set boundaries with him and that is okay. I hope this helps, and I promise that in no way is it meant to sound critical. I think you handled the situation a best you could in those circumstances.

This helps a lot. I didn't take what you said as criticism. It was advice and it really helped.

These past couple weeks I found myself thinking exactly what you said: he doesn't take responsibility for his actions. Its pretty unhealthy. I'm glad I blocked him.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

@WovenGalaxy, I think that you are a caring nice person at your core. It is most likely the codependant part of you that experiences the guilt and that maybe you should give up your boundaries and let him in.

The thing about evil as is shown in so many scary stories is that it can only get in when you INVITE it in. When we are young our parents tell us to beware of strangers offering candy. What this means is that toxic people ALWAYS develop ways to get you to LET THEM IN. For example, when I look at my inbox for my emails one thing I do get a lot of is emails from so called psychics and fortune tellers and tarot card readers. I click on them not to use them but to see what they are using to get me to LET THEM IN. These individuals have learned how to PROFIT from what might be whatever is challenging you and they put a lot of effort into presenting something that may fit with you and then once you open the email they tell you something and then they tell you they can help you and how important it is for YOU to let them help you. They want you to PAY them, and the only way they can do that is IF YOU LET THEM IN.

The other night I watched a documentary about one of the worst serial killers that ever existed. This individual was even a contestant on The Dating Game and he was so charming he won. He was also good looking, yet, he tortured and murdered many women and one of his victims that survived was only eight years old. This horrible human being learned how to convince women he was nice and he could charm them and they all LET HIM IN. He killed them all. These individuals are often very intelligent, when they were searching for him once they learned his identity they went to talk to the teachers at the college he went to and the teachers talked about how smart he was and good natured he was and said he would not harm a fly. So these individuals can present others with a personality that comes across as very charming because they have to be that way in order to get their victims to LET THEM IN.

When you come across someone online they too will do and say things to get you to "let them in" for whatever they need of you. This type of individual already knows how to pick their victims. Just like these individuals who send me emails that tell me they care and can see I am suffering or am in danger and if I LET THEM IN they can cast a spell or tell me how to prevent whatever danger or even some special person that wants to be a part of my life that I need their help with paying attention to.

So when you do let anyone in and things get strange and you pull back, you do not OWE THEM anything. You do not have to "try to understand him" nor do you have to save or care about him. It's ok to SAY NO and decide NOT TO LET THEM IN.

Now that so many engage online with dating sites and even support sites like this one, these tend to be places toxic individuals or disordered individuals also engage. A site like this can be trolled by individuals looking for a certain kind of "ego fix". While it may seem someone is here for you, truth is they are here for themselves. It's very similar to all these emails I get from tarot card readers and fortune tellers and psychics.

It's OK to be suspicious and guarded and to even distance from "drama" that is often created by individuals that NEED people to join them while they satisfy their need for attention. These are typically individuals that are ok with reinventing themselves due to distancing from an identity they formed that did not work for them in some way. This takes place even on dating sites or often these tarot card or psychics have more than one ID where they pick out things that you may need that will work so you INVITE THEM IN. These type of individuals are only engaging to fill their own needs, and to get you or others to engage and LET THEM IN. Sometimes a person will change their identity on a dating site too. They never really do meet you in person either.

Bottom line Woven is it's ok to say "no you can't come in" to anyone that feels off to you. You do not have to feel you did anything wrong either. You tend to care and don't want to cause harm, and you have been hurt so you don't care to hurt others the way you were hurt and you are conscientious. It important to decide that you don't have to figure out this other person's needs or problems. It's ok to decide to shut them out and not invite them in.

Hi Open Eyes, I haven't thought of the word "codependent" in a long time. I don't see myself that way BUT, I do think I have traits as I looked it up after reading your post. So, yeah I think this whole thing triggered a codependent part of me, maybe.

I think I need to save these feelings of caring and wanting to apologize and understand, for someone who matters. Someone safe, kind, consistent and loving. But. Maybe not even. I think I care way too much sometimes. I think I have anxious attachment style. But yeah he's not worth it.

It was just weird HOW MUCH I cared. I was so worried for him. But indigo is right. He was a jerk and should be apologizing to ME.

Also, I think if I see him ever in public, I will deal. I've had to see other dudes I've dated before, in public. Its not fun. But I survive. They aren't worth my insecurity.

I'm currently working on my self esteem. It will be a process and take time. But its happening. Baby step by baby step. 1% by 1% more.

That's REALLY interesting (and super freaky) about that murderer. And yes, I can see how some people do things to "hook us" just bc they want something from us.

I know I didn't give details, but I believe this dude wanted his ego stroked. I got a REALLY bad feeling when he texted. It was like "danger." My emotion was "scared." And angry.

I haven't always listened to those signs in the past, and I think that's why I have so much unresolved ****. No one really taught me "if someone's being like this, or that, run." Also I lacked validation. But I know I can give that to My self now.

Back to codependent: I once was actually addicted to a very unhealthy relationship. It was very toxic and painful for me and one of the best things that ever happened to me was that we stopped talking. That was years ago. To this day, it was the best decision I ever made. In the end, he made it easy for me bc he got a gf who was jealous of me. So he stopped engaging with me.

One more thought, I do think I take on over responsibility sometimes. Like in this instance.

And you're right, OE, I don't owe him anything.

Originally Posted by RoxanneToto

I think I would just leave it - I can sympathise with feeling guilty when you stand up for yourself, but I also think you did well standing up for yourself this time. It doesn’t sound like he respected you as much as you deserved, if he was being vague and ignoring your desire for more straightforward communication - that’s never a good sign, neither is feeling unsafe when you’re talking to them.
I don’t have much advice for if you see them in public, however. Maybe if you do see him, go with what your gut says? Sorry I don’t have great advice either! Best of luck, anyway. But in my opinion it would be ok to leave this as is.

Thanks Roxanne. You know that's a good idea to go with what my gut says re if I see him.

@Open Eyes

Oh, one more thing. I was going to apologize or wish him well, but keep him blocked. But thinking about that, I'm probably just not going to speak to this individual again.

[divine1966]

The guy called you drunk and was rude. You owe him nothing. Certainly no apologies needed. Block and move on.

[Prycejosh1987]

I think how you come across is very important. in communication.