[Dltf]

For a bit of context...I’m a 23f in a serious relationship with a 42m. We’ve gotten into arguments over his 75 year-old widowed mother moving in with us when we buy a house in near future.

I personally do not want her to move in, as she has her own spacious 3 bedroom house. My SO wants to have her move in to take care of potential children we might have as he doesn’t trust any caretakers/outsiders. Also, he doesn’t want to leave his aging mother alone. He has also mentioned he’s open to us living close by her, buying a house for her near us or buying a large house so we each have more than enough space...but ideally he wants her living with us.

Whenever I disagree with her living with us, he says I don’t appreciate my family and he has a good healthy relationship with his parents unlike me (he uses my poor relationship with my parents as a reminder I am not “appreciative” of my family). He also brings up how his past serious relationships were ok with the idea of his mom living with them.

My concern here is because his father passed away, he ceded that parental father role to my SO so my partner now assumes the role of caretaker for his mom. I’m worried I won’t have space in his life as a wife and I don’t want my potential mother in law to live with us for many reasons, even if she is a saint, we all live in a mansion, etc.

On top of that, he wants to bring his mom on future vacations with me and even mentioned his ex invited her on their past trip together since they got along so well.

He’s back home due to COVID, living rent free, and has her cooking for him. To be fair, he does support her in every other way. He spends most evenings with her. He told me he hates city dwelling and is the happiest he’s been for a long time. When I tried to test him and ask who he’d take to an isolated island, he said he’d take his mom and dog.

Is he too enmeshed? Am I just overreacting, I know he wants his elderly woman around for as long as possible and she’s alone now with no other family members besides another son married, living in another state.

He also stated he’s willing to compromise on his mom living with us but he’s also really stubborn. In fact, he’s said his past relationships failed because he refused to compromise on his standards and he found flaws with each women, claiming they weren’t appreciative and had “complexes”. I’m really concerned about the future as I’m worried he’ll force me into a living arrangement I don’t want, especially as his mom ages and becomes more dependent. I think he’s conceited and narcissistic as he demands I should be in “awe” of him.

All advice is appreciated

[CANDC]

Hi Dltf. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are already having arguments with a man you are in a relationship with.

I do not have advice for you, because only you know what you want in your life and what you are willing to put up with. You are only 23 so you could not only live through mother going into and through dementia, but you might possibly be there if he should suffer the same fate.

One thing that is an obvious challenge is he does not want to live separate from his mother. He seems openly critical of you "Whenever I disagree with her living with us, he says I don’t appreciate my family".

It sounds like there will be no space for just the two of you "On top of that, he wants to bring his mom on future vacations with me and even mentioned his ex invited her on their past trip together since they got along so well."

From what you say, you are third in line for his affections after the dog. "When I tried to test him and ask who he’d take to an isolated island, he said he’d take his mom and dog."

He himself tells you the reasons why his past relationships have failed and from what you say he has not changed "he’s said his past relationships failed because he refused to compromise on his standards and he found flaws with each women, claiming they weren’t appreciative and had “complexes”.

You say "he demands I should be in “awe” of him." I cannot diagnose anyone, but this all sounds too much like this How to Spot a Narcissist

If you see parallels in that situation, you may need the help of some of these articles.
11 Mandatory Rules for Dealing With a Narcissist

6 Healthy Ways to Cope With A Narcissist

I can only say that every expectation I had of changing another person has not happened. In fact, in my case things got a lot worse when we were living under one roof. The demands and criticism were greater.

When I was 23 I was still trying to find out who I was. When I was 42 I was a lot more set in my ways.

Hope you find a path that you feel comfortable with now and in the future.
@CANDC

[Bill3]

Whenever I disagree with her living with us, he says I don’t appreciate my family and he has a good healthy relationship with his parents unlike me (he uses my poor relationship with my parents as a reminder I am not “appreciative” of my family). He also brings up how his past serious relationships were ok with the idea of his mom living with them.

Is it typical for him to attack you personally rather than addressing/negotiating the issue at hand?

On top of that, he wants to bring his mom on future vacations with me and even mentioned his ex invited her on their past trip together since they got along so well.

It seems that he brings up exes a lot.

He’s back home due to COVID, living rent free, and has her cooking for him. To be fair, he does support her in every other way. He spends most evenings with her. He told me he hates city dwelling and is the happiest he’s been for a long time. When I tried to test him and ask who he’d take to an isolated island, he said he’d take his mom and dog.

Personally? I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where someone seems to strongly prefer their mother to me.

I wouldn't want to be in a three-way relationship.

If he is "the happiest he's been in a long time", maybe the life for him is to support his mother and not have any other relationships.

He also stated he’s willing to compromise on his mom living with us but he’s also really stubborn. In fact, he’s said his past relationships failed because he refused to compromise on his standards and he found flaws with each women, claiming they weren’t appreciative and had “complexes”.

So in reality he might not be willing to compromise after all.

I’m really concerned about the future as I’m worried he’ll force me into a living arrangement I don’t want, especially as his mom ages and becomes more dependent. I think he’s conceited and narcissistic as he demands I should be in “awe” of him.

He actually demands that you should be in awe of him?

I’m worried I won’t have space in his life as a wife

From what you have told us, it sounds to me like your worries are quite reasonable.

It might be admirable that he is devoted to his mother. Your gut, though, on it seems to be negative as to your relationship with him. My advice is to go with your gut.

[Open Eyes]

My honest opinion is this man is too old for you being that he is more than twenty years older than you. And he is still living with his mother? He is still tied to his mother's apron strings and some men simply never let go. Seriously, you are going to grow and change a lot in these next few years, 23 is still very young yet. You will still be young and will end up with an old guy and a very old lady. And if you have children, ugh, you will be trapped when instead you should have your own space to grow and not be competing with your husband's mother.

Walk away and live your twenties, you never get another chance and these are important years.

[Dltf]

At the beginning though, he was open to us living together without his mom. On the second or third date, he mentioned he wants his mother in/nearby when we have kids though. He works in a city which is next to the state his mom and I live in. Before the pandemic hit, he was looking at apartments for us, which would be in my state but close to his city. When his apartment lease expired and the pandemic hit, he moved in back home. He has a good job and his mom is healthy so I assume he moved back not out of necessity, but because he wants to be there. He told me he hasn’t been back home for 22 years and he’s really appreciative of being back home with his mom. Seems the pandemic did him a favor but not for me.

[divine1966]

He plans on asking his 75 year old mother (and she’ll be older by then) to take care of his future children? Really? It doesn’t sound like he wants to take care of mom. He uses mom now living rent free and in the future she’ll be free care giver? In her advanced age?

He doesn’t sound like marriage material. Why single man with no kids live with his mom? Single adults with no minor children should be able to support themselves and not counting on mommy dearest. Red flag

All if this talk about her moving in is a moot point. He has no place to move mom into.

I’d move on and not look back. He isn’t a marriage material

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by divine1966

He plans on asking his 75 year old mother (and she’ll be older by then) to take care of his future children? Really? It doesn’t sound like he wants to take care of mom. He uses mom now living rent free and in the future she’ll be free care giver? In her advanced age?

This crossed my mind, as well. If he's wanting to take care of his aging mother, then it's unlikely he'll be able to have her look after your future kids.

Some of this is age-related. You're far too young to be taking care of an aging woman, IMO. As someone mentioned already, you don't know what "aging" will look like until it's in your face. She could develop dementia/alzheimer's, get a stroke, fall and break a hip, etc. Does he know something about her health you don't? My hunch is, he'll want you to take care of his mother and children while he's at work.

What do you do for a living? Do you have post secondary training? He's talking a lot about caring for children and an aging woman. What about your career, ambitions, and dreams?

If there wasn't such an age gap and you were established yourself (and maybe you are), then this scenario could be seen as admirable that he's wanting to care for his mom before she passes on. It sounds like he has a great relationship with her and treats her well, on the surface. She also sounds like a lovely woman.

What I'm not sure about is how YOU feel about her. Have you spent any time with her? What's she like? Can you take a trip with her prior to deciding if this would be a good fit for you?

If there's no hidden agenda, I don't think there's anything wrong with taking her on trips with you both, pending that he makes effort for you both to take trips without her, too. Worst case scenario, he'll have you look after her while he takes off "exploring the scenery" and that wouldn't be fair.

I don't like how he's comparing you with his exes. I suspect the age difference is giving him a sense of entitlement over you. Was any of this discussed prior to your wedding?

What makes you think he's being narcissistic? Can you give us other examples? Telling you that you ought to adore him doesn't classify him for having a personality disorder.. but the fact that you're questioning it makes me think you're sensing other red flags, and likely, rightfully so.

[Dltf]

Originally Posted by MsLady

This crossed my mind, as well. If he's wanting to take care of his aging mother, then it's unlikely he'll be able to have her look after your future kids.

Some of this is age-related. You're far too young to be taking care of an aging woman, IMO. As someone mentioned already, you don't know what "aging" will look like until it's in your face. She could develop dementia/alzheimer's, get a stroke, fall and break a hip, etc. Does he know something about her health you don't? My hunch is, he'll want you to take care of his mother and children while he's at work.

What do you do for a living? Do you have post secondary training? He's talking a lot about caring for children and an aging woman. What about your career, ambitions, and dreams?

If there wasn't such an age gap and you were established yourself (and maybe you are), then this scenario could be seen as admirable that he's wanting to care for his mom before she passes on. It sounds like he has a great relationship with her and treats her well, on the surface. She also sounds like a lovely woman.

What I'm not sure about is how YOU feel about her. Have you spent any time with her? What's she like? Can you take a trip with her prior to deciding if this would be a good fit for you?

If there's no hidden agenda, I don't think there's anything wrong with taking her on trips with you both, pending that he makes effort for you both to take trips without her, too. Worst case scenario, he'll have you look after her while he takes off "exploring the scenery" and that wouldn't be fair.

I don't like how he's comparing you with his exes. I suspect the age difference is giving him a sense of entitlement over you. Was any of this discussed prior to your wedding?

What makes you think he's being narcissistic? Can you give us other examples? Telling you that you ought to adore him doesn't classify him for having a personality disorder.. but the fact that you're questioning it makes me think you're sensing other red flags, and likely, rightfully so.

He told me I should “worship the ground” he walks on. He’s really insulting to me at times and is quick to anger at real and perceived slights. He casually blocks whenever he’s angry. He gave me an ultimatum regarding future plans with mom, it was a take it or leave it option I was told by him.

I have a hard time grasping why his relationship with his mother would be admirable if I was older/more established. I don’t want her to live with me/accompany me to vacations/have “her take care” of my kids. I think it’s just an odd relationship they have, especially given cultural mores in the West, but I realize that’s just my personal judgement here.

Also, as a response to the previous poster, he has the means to move out and rent/buy a house. He refuses to because he WANTS to live with his mom, not because he has no other option.

Also I haven’t met her because I intuited he was pushing for me to meet early on, after a couple of dates, because he wants us all in the same household. I wasn’t thrilled about the idea of meeting her so early and what I suspected was his “ulterior motive” of getting me to meet her, to ensure we both could get along in the same house in the future.

[divine1966]

On a second date he mentioned you two having children? Did I read it right?

[MsLady]

Originally Posted by divine1966

On a second date he mentioned you two having children? Did I read it right?

Oh.. I missed the second post. I thought they were married.

How long have you been together?

This situation has too many red flags. Don't ignore them. I seriously think you should free yourself of this. You rank third in line behind the dog??! No. That is not acceptable. (I love dogs, but ffs!) Besides, inflexible people will not take your thoughts and feelings into account. After all, they "know best". Except they don't. These are the same people who are "my way or the highway". I strongly suspect any "complexes" his exes had were brought on by this unhealthy dynamic.

[divine1966]

“Worship the ground”? Ok now. Insulting you? Angry? He does all that when you are just dating, when people are on the best behavior? I can only imagine how horribly he will treat you when you live together and marry? Why would you want children with such man? I can ensure you that if man behaves poorly while dating, he’ll behave much worse when you are married.

Him wanting to live with his mother is the least of your troubles. I’d run. And fast

[Dltf]

No we are not married, I’ve stated in the initial post he’s my boyfriend. And we’ve been together for 7 months now. And again yes, he told me about his plans for marriage, mother moving in, taking her to vacations, on the second or third date.

[MsLady]

Ya ^^

You're not married nor are you living together, yet. End the relationship, asap. It WILL get worse once you move in together. RED FLAGS!!

[Open Eyes]

If you were older and more mature you would never put up with this. He picked you because you are young. He is looking for someone he can control.

Honesty carrying on with this relationship is a waste of time. As someone older with more life experience. There are too many red flags that spell misery ahead.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Hi Dltf. Welcome to Psych Central. I am sorry you are already having arguments with a man you are in a relationship with.

One thing that is an obvious challenge is he does not want to live separate from his mother. He seems openly critical of you "Whenever I disagree with her living with us, he says I don’t appreciate my family".

It sounds like there will be no space for just the two of you "On top of that, he wants to bring his mom on future vacations with me and even mentioned his ex invited her on their past trip together since they got along so well."

From what you say, you are third in line for his affections after the dog. "When I tried to test him and ask who he’d take to an isolated island, he said he’d take his mom and dog."

He himself tells you the reasons why his past relationships have failed and from what you say he has not changed "he’s said his past relationships failed because he refused to compromise on his standards and he found flaws with each women, claiming they weren’t appreciative and had “complexes”.

You say "he demands I should be in “awe” of him." I cannot diagnose anyone, but this all sounds too much like this How to Spot a Narcissist

If you see parallels in that situation, you may need the help of some of these articles.
11 Mandatory Rules for Dealing With a Narcissist

6 Healthy Ways to Cope With A Narcissist

I can only say that every expectation I had of changing another person has not happened. In fact, in my case things got a lot worse when we were living under one roof. The demands and criticism were greater.

When I was 23 I was still trying to find out who I was. When I was 42 I was a lot more set in my ways.

Hope you find a path that you feel comfortable with now and in the future.
@CANDC

I think this man sounds like someone I personally would want as far away from me as possible.

Welcome to pc

[Bill3]

I think it’s just an odd relationship they have, especially given cultural mores in the West, but I realize that’s just my personal judgement here.

It is not "just" your personal judgment in that he is asking you to join the relationship they have. Your judgment of it is central to deciding whether or not the situation is right for you.

And he gets angry and insulting and says you should worship the ground he walks on and be in awe of him?

I agree with everyone else: steer clear of this guy.

[rechu]

I have to agree with the other comments here. There are so many red flags here. I would advise you to get out now while you are not tied down with marriage, kids and a house with this guy. It definitely seems like he does not respect you. I know some age gap relationships can work. However, it seems like this guy chose someone younger that he hoped would be easier to control than someone closer to his age.

You are so young, you have your life ahead of you. At 23 most people are still figuring out what they want in life. If I were you, I'd take some time to get to know yourself better and figure out what YOU want. With time, I am sure you will meet someone who respects you and has similar goals in life.

[Open Eyes]

The term "red flag" can get confusing, especially when someone is young yet. What it means is a person who looks at others more as objects and they are the center where they need others to orbit around them to suit THEIR needs. They are the center, the god and their needs are the priority. It's never about YOUR needs, always about THEIR NEEDS being met.

When someone is young yet, that can feel familiar due to having to obey and fit into what a parent wants and how they run things. If someone picks a partner that is a naricissist, they continue to live their life around that person's needs and never get a chance to learn how to get their own needs met. This man is showing you this is EXACTLY what he is and how his needs are the priority and you are just the codependent.

[Open Eyes]

In essance he is trying to get you to be one of his flying monkeys. There to SERVE HIM. This is a term used that comes from the Wizard of Oz where the wicked witch had her flying monkeys only there to obey and serve HER needs.

In return the monkeys get a place to live and food to eat basically. It's transactional which is different than having the right to be free to be your own person.

Narcissists tend to be very transactual. They are the center, the god, the one that is GIFTED and deserves to tell everyone else what to do to service THEIR needs. Bow down to me as I am the all powerful. Oh yes, I am the one who controls all drama, you are just to honor and obey.

The Narcissist functions on "give them bread and circuses so WE can do as we please".

[Dltf]

I understand what a red flag is and I don’t need a long winded explanation on what it is. I just wanted some outside perspectives, is his relationship with his mother healthy? I know his behavior is incredibly childish and narcissistic.

[unaluna]

His mother is the boss of him, and he wants to be the boss of you. But they will be the boss of any children - you will just be the baby-maker.

If thats what you want - and it probably means not having even any female friends - then cool. You probably wont have to work, except for housework and the kids. And the old lady.

It probably sounds tempting now, what with covid and all. If you dont value your personal freedom.

Eta - cuz the old lady could die tomorrow. Or not. Why dont you talk to the exes?

[Bill3]

I just wanted some outside perspectives, is his relationship with his mother healthy?

For you? No, I don't think it is. You said that you don't want things the way that he wants them. If you accept what he wants anyways, it will be unhealthy for you.

If you are asking whether the relationship, by itself, reveals something unhealthy about him: I don't know the answer to that question.

[MsLady]

Having a parent move in with us, due to their age and situation is healthy, common, and appropriate. Many cultures do this world wide, instead of putting them in a care home. Seniors who spend time with their grandchildren tend to live longer and happier.

I also think it's nice and appropriate to invite them on family vacations. They're often lonely and may have limited purpose in life, tire easily, etc.. particularly if they've been widowed.

So, to answer your question, yes it is healthy to request this.

I can understand why you're feeling resistant..

1) Your age. It's a big responsibility to take on at such a young age and I wouldn't advise it for you.

2) There's other concerns going on with him. It could be cultural-based or something to be heightenedly concerned about. If you're picking up on red flags, bail out now.

I am his age. I've been through many things in life and can tell you with certainty, you will be facing a lot of hardship if you choose to stay in this relationship.

I'm sorry.

[divine1966]

It’s hard for people to say what’s healthy for your life and your relationship. You have to go by what does or doesn’t work for you. It’s healthy to bring elderly parents to live with you if you just look at it in general but in this particular situation it’s probably not particularly healthy. The way this guy goes about it, I’d bail. He doesn’t consider your point of view and thats not healthy