[LoneCowgirl]

I welcome any feedback and advice please.
My fiancé’s 21-year-old daughter states that she does not want her father to have a girlfriend. We’ve been together six years now and she has treated me like a doormat. She’s off to college so I do not have to tolerate her disrespect in person.
Last Christmas she came over late, and with an attitude already in place. After dinner but she got into it with her dad and proclaimed her great dislike for me. She said she did not want her dad to have a girlfriend, and she did not like the way he was spending money on me. (I live on a ranch which is paid for and he does not provide any financial support to me). I told her I loved her and we could be a family and she retarded that she did not want my love what did she need a second family. My boyfriend as usual did not discipline his daughter nor back me up but finally when she was done yelling he did suggested she leave.
After she left he and I got in a fight he was yelling at me all the things that he should’ve been saying to her albeit not in a state of rage, but still he held his tongue with her.
She has never offered an apology. After a few months I sent her a text suggesting we try to get along at least for the sake of her father. Another couple months after that he threatened to cut off her phone if she didn’t apologize and with reluctance she sent a text which I assume she thought was an apology.
And now here’s a big dilemma: he wants her to come over this Christmas and I am not OK with that.
Your opinions are welcomed please

[divine1966]

I am not sure if it’s the same thread or a different one as I thought I already replied. If it’s your house you aren’t obligated to host anyone who behaves as poorly as this person. It’s not his daughter’s business who her dad dates.

Now of course everyone makes mistakes and she might improve. I doubt but maybe. You can give her a chance by meeting on a neutral territory and see how it goes and how she acts. Do not have rude people over. No way.

It’s your boyfriends job to put a stop to this nonsense

[TishaBuv]

You can tell him you don’t want your Christmas spoiled again so you are not having her over for a repeat performance. Although she mustered an apology the relationship hasn’t improved. He may go along with that plan or he may choose his daughter and blow you off for Christmas. It’s a risk you take by drawing that boundary. If he doesn’t try to make peace once and for all with his daughters nasty attitude towards you that gives you clarity about your relationship with him.

[Molinit]

If he's living with YOU, then you set the rules. If he goes behind you and invites her anyway, then you know where you stand. Kick him out. End the relationship.

[unaluna]

It's covid. I dont think anyone really has a choice. If she is not part of your pod, she shouldnt be coming over for xmas. Maybe next year she will appreciate being able to see her dad.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by unaluna

It's covid. I dont think anyone really has a choice. If she is not part of your pod, she shouldnt be coming over for xmas. Maybe next year she will appreciate being able to see her dad.

Yes! Great reason to not include her and no need for confrontation.

[Open Eyes]

I agree that you should tell your boyfriend that due to Covid you don't want to have her come for a visit. Her being in college has exposed her to different people and right now it's just not safe for either you or your boyfriend to have her visit.

You mentioned that your boyfriend divorced her mother 10 years ago and it sounds like his daughter carries a lot of resentments and that this is probably also fueled by her mother. This is something your finace has to deal with and you have every right to not want her negativity in your home. This started when his daughter was only 11 years old. He needs to have a serious sit down with her.

[MickeyCheeky]

If you're not OK with it then it is rather simple, just make your voice heard from your boyFriEnd and let him know that you want a peaceful Christmas. After all he also seems to have noticed how inappropriate his daughter's behavior is. Definitely stand up for yourself, talk to him about ALL of this and see how it goes from there. SEnding many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @LoneCowgirl, your Family, your FriEnds, your boyFriEnds and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[LoneCowgirl]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am not sure if it’s the same thread or a different one as I thought I already replied. If it’s your house you aren’t obligated to host anyone who behaves as poorly as this person. It’s not his daughter’s business who her dad dates.

Now of course everyone makes mistakes and she might improve. I doubt but maybe. You can give her a chance by meeting on a neutral territory and see how it goes and how she acts. Do not have rude people over. No way.

It’s your boyfriends job to put a stop to this nonsense

Yes I didn’t think the first post took so I tried to retype what I had written. Thank you so much for your feedback and insight

[LoneCowgirl]

I’m sure there’s a hundred reasons why I have a weak backbone, but I compromised (in my mind) by telling him this is his home too so invite whomever you please, but I probably won’t be here. I’d just as soon leave for the day and avoid conflict. She yells, he yells, I’m just not a yeller.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by LoneCowgirl

I’m sure there’s a hundred reasons why I have a weak backbone, but I compromised (in my mind) by telling him this is his home too so invite whomever you please, but I probably won’t be here. I’d just as soon leave for the day and avoid conflict. She yells, he yells, I’m just not a yeller.

Id not leave my house on the holiday to please two ungrateful adults. Nope. You are sending a message that they can step all over you. If you think you must let her come, you should stay and see what unfolds

[herbal tea]

I don't think that's your problem. This is your boyfriend's problem. It is his fault that he could not raise his daughter as a polite person.
I understand that you are worried, but not worth it. You behave with dignity towards her and you do not have to tolerate her bad attitude towards you.
You need to tell your boyfriend that.
Say that you are ready to communicate with his daughter and you will be glad to see her as a guest, but as soon as she starts behaving rudely, it will be better for her to leave, because you do not want to tolerate it.
She is not a little girl who can be forgiven. She is 21 years old and she must be responsible for her actions.

[Open Eyes]

This may be why his other relationship did not work out. His daughter is emotionally blackmailing him and he isn't setting boundaries with her.

It's concerning that you are giving up your own home on Christmas. He should not be allowing you to do that.