Cousins are Tainting Otherwise Good Family

I have two cousins who are the sons of my dad’s older sister, who have become increasingly more political in the last 10 years or so, but the older of the two is so extreme he is recriminatory toward everybody else who doesn’t share his convictions. At the time of the election, he spontaneously engaged his immediate family in a group text about who everybody was voting for, and when his mother didn’t respond to protect her online space, he started hollering and swearing at his mother during her next visit to see him simply because they hold different views, and that his text was left unanswered. Several weeks passed before this cousin could even be civil enough to speak with his mother. Eventually the older son and my aunt resolved this political tension by setting boundaries and understanding my cousin’s fear over his healthcare. They also agreed not to give gifts to extended family members this year like me and my parents because of the pandemic and they aren’t in the best position anyway to give gifts. In addition my dad’s side of the family is agreeing that seeing my cousins and their families this year is out of the question because of COVID and other plans that have been made. Thank goodness, because I’ve been fearing that since my parents and I hold different views from my cousins, that we would become victims of hateful political rhetoric ourselves. My aunt, who’s one of my closer family members, kept tabs with me over her status and convinced me that even with this outburst that my cousin is a good person, but I’m just not entirely convinced anymore. People know me as a tolerant and wickedly patient person, but this is the literal “straw that broke the camels back” incident over 10 years or so of withering away at my trust in these cousins of mine.

My 2 cousins refused to see my grandfather in his final days because they didn’t want to see him in his deteriorated state, so it was like they were absent during that difficult time in the life of my father and his two sisters. When the same older cousin’s daughter got christened but my family had plans and obligations for my birthday several years later, both the cousin and his wife held grudges against us which I’m not even sure they ever let go. Then when this most recent quandary erupted, I was already on edge with the younger cousin from that same family because of his history of making inflammatory political posts on Instagram.

Some of the most thoughtful birthday and Christmas gifts I’ve received in recent years have been from these cousins, and they seem interested in hearing from me. But at the same time, over the span of about 10 years, they never seem to initiate contact with me and my folks outside visits to my dads side of the family at Christmas, and sometimes I’ve not been able to see my cousins for the holidays. So the seemingly friendly talk that my cousins have given to me like they would be my buddies who could help fill the void after losing both my uncle and grandfather at a young age is all just a bunch of hooey. With a lot of their actions not matching their words, I feel like I’ve been lied to all along about their so called familial love for me.

Even though a lot of my previous pain has been relieved because of not needing to see my cousins this year, my dad presented me with the option to still see his family members at Christmas time, which I am hard pressed to do because they haven’t been COVID-smart at all, and I don’t want to add another exposure to my mother and only living grandparent. Plus I’m still worried about getting into further drama with everything that’s transpired. And since my aunt is close with these cousins and their families, she will probably talk about them and try to encourage me to still see and talk to them on a regular basis. When in reality, I haven’t been close to them in recent years and don’t know if they even still love me like my aunt claims they do.

I’m feeling lonely with this pain in my heart. When I’ve talked to my parents about the fear that I have against being around my rather narrow minded cousins on the heels of election, my parents didn’t get into a screaming match with me, but they still were critical with my feelings and my desire to protect my space from dissection and critiques of my political views. So my parents are just as bad as my cousins. So great. Now I have no one to talk to.

What do you guys think? Can anybody help me with ways to not continue to live in fear and resentment within my own family?

Dear DazedandConfused254,

Sorry you are in this unhappy situation. Having just lost a friend because of political differences, I can definitely identify with you.

Because of things similar to what you mention, I quit going to all family gatherings. A long time ago, I was hospitalized for depression. A psychiatrist told me that if I didn't want to end up in the hospital again, I would need to prioritize my mental health even if it meant eliminating or minimizing interaction with family members.

In a military conflict, a general will use any strategy and tactics that he thinks will help him achieve the military objective: battle, strategic retreat, deception, surprise and almost anything else. He will not feel bad about doing these things. feel the same about preserving one's mental health.

To protect my mental health I have often have to say "no" to people, set boundaries, tell white lies and so on. If someone particularly toxic invites me to attend an event, I would not hesitate to say I am sick even if I am not, to avoid that contact.

There is an saying that goes: "no can can push your buttons as well as those people who installed them." That can cover almost all relatives. If I am literally stuck being with certain people, I will get up and leave if I don't like the way the conversation is going.

A psychologist taught me a technique for dealing with toxic conversation. If one pretends to agree with someone who one doesn't agree with, one ends up feeling badly. If one disagrees openly, bitter arguments often develop.

The technique I was taught was to respond to a toxic speaker with the one word: "what." This is something toxic people don't really expect and don't know how to handle. If the toxic speaking goes on I will just keep saying "what?" I find this very effective. Sometimes one cannot win a battle but has to settle for small victories or even strategic or tactical retreats.

I think one way to overcome fear is to aim, not for perfection but for little achievements and progress. I had a particularly nasty relative who used to call me late at night. Instead of just not answering the phone which was a step I was not ready for, I let it ring ten times. Just a little victory. A psychologist told me that I should not even shy away from little pass-aggressive actions if they helped me keep from falling into a depression. Things like this have helped me a lot.

Silence is sometimes a good tactic. Someone let's say, says: "This political candidate is evil and a jerk and anyone who disagrees is a moron." Sometimes the best response is no response. Just look at the person but don't say anything. Suppose they then say: "Don't you agree?" Just look at them and don't answer. Suppose they then say: "What's wrong with you, are you deaf?" Just look at them and don't answer. Many very aggressive and opinioned people have become expert at debate. They know the "chess moves" for agreement and disagreement. But often they are not so good at silence or unexpected reactions. If they can't get you to put wood on their fire, their fire often just fizzles out. Sometimes such people actually look for a fight. They live for the fight.

Sometimes one can just throw a monkey wrench in the works, so to speak. Once when forced to deal with a particularly unpleasant speaker, I suddenly looked out the window and exclaimed: "is that a UFO?" I can't tell you how effective that was at stopping the conversation.

Once I was at a social gathering where someone was attacking a certain religion. I got up from my seat, walking to the door, opened it and went for a 30 minute walk.

There are lots of psychological techniques for disagreeing with someone: agreeing in part, agreeing in principle, fogging and so on. Often, I find the best course of action is avoid the situation altogether if one knows there is going to be fireworks, so to speak.

One can say things to a toxic speaker that appear as agreement with their view but in fact is not. If someone says: "I think this political candidate is dishonest" and let's say I disagree with that, I can say: "I see your point." To the other person that seems like agreement but actually isn't. "I see your point" just means that you understand the words the person has said, the meaning of the words.

There are books written on this subject if one is interested. I think some people call it verbal judo or something like that. For me personally, the drama of certain social situations is not worth what it does to my mental health so I just avoid them. But that's me.

Please do NOT think I am offering any of this as advice to you. We are all different and I am not qualified to give advice that you or anyone could or should rely upon. I do hope you find solutions and relief from your distress. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.
Distress like you describe is something very vivid to me.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen