Online friendships: I give up

I'm so sorry that happens to you. It can be very painful, I know.

What do you talk about?

I have two friends that suffer from depression and they pretty much always ghost me. It's not on me though, they're just not into talking.

Yep. Happened to me many times. Or they will send messages for a short period, but then stop. Very annoying. That's why I don't reach out as often in chats or messages as much anymore. And it's not just online, but it is in real life too. I've had people post something upsetting on FB, so I'll text them and they will give a one word reply or act all cheery but then stop replying and going back to their upsetting selves with someone else. Some factors may include closeness and sometimes even just general attention seeking behavior. In college, someone posted a message that they were upset and crying but then I ran into them literally seconds later and they were perfectly fine. Cheery and laughing with other people. There are other people I know who would do stuff like that just to gain approval and attention.

The two friends that ghosted me - we talked about everything. Work, relationships, our problems and life in general. I. had deep, meaningful and ongoing conversations with both individuals.

Yep, that's why I expect nothing from online friendships, especially since I have very little to almost no expectations for friends in real life too.

I have high expectations of people, and that's why I am so disappointed often by people in this world.

I can relate. I got ghosted a few times by people I met on here, back when I had my other username. I found it quite triggering although I understood that it was because of the issues people were facing I still felt hurt because these were people I felt fondness for. I was left feeling "what happened?"

In my case I was feeling vulnerable through other issues in my life, so I left here a while, came back and set different boundaries with myself. I don't correspond personally with anyone here, only on board messages. I do have a couple of wonderful women I have written personally to from here for many years now and they are my exceptions. So I don't dismiss online friendship at all but for me I am now very cautious and circumspect I guess.

I agree ghosting online is a feature of modern life, maybe we are generally tending to be more impersonal like that with technology I don't know.

My main lesson learned was my personal boundaries needed to be set and I personally benefited from this, I also tend to take a very long time to open up and trust someone but thats okay too.

Generally though I am trying to invest more time into in person friendships, apart from my two long time PC friends.

I see this topic as a very juicy one.

People who are behind the screens are flesh and blood people, as we are.

Only online things seems to go faster than in face to face connections. You can connect them instantaneously and for a long period of time, almost daily. So this is why it may be easier to let you drive and anything seems even more authentic and deep than irl.

This is why predators find their perfect hunt ground on the net linked to the possibility of anonymity, with innocent people such as kids or adolescents. But, also with
old generations such as mine one who are not still used to this stuff.

The other great difference is social barriers. One can show himself with much more freedom online and this is where the evil or the magic could happens.
For example, in my case, I find easier to meet and know someone on line because I feel less anxious and I can choose the pace. I can be a better version of myself without all those fears and anxiety. I can go little by little. Showing myself up to a point I feel comfortable with.
But, what happens if a person fakes a persona to get his own agenda and take advantages of your ingenuity. Here’s the problem.

Just like the real life, only with its own characteristics.

Another aspect to take into account is that if we connect with people from mental health forums, we are gonna find people like us, who struggle day on and day off with their issues.
Example, I find so hard to speak on the phone with someone from my irl than from someone I only know online. And if I’m feeling depressed I won’t probably have the energy to share with my online contacts in the same way I lack of energy to deal with my irl contacts.

It’s natural that you ask why they ghosted you. But take the assumption that online contacts are evil per se is unfair.

I don't have the belief that online relationships are evil. They're just very different than IRL relationships and ghosting seems to be common.

Different but not in the essential. They may be very genuine.

You didn’t call them evil but you said you were done. ???

I know you felt very bad and disappointed.

Yes, I am done... I do believe. I've found online friendships over the years to just not be very genuine or very real. I did feel bad and very disappointed.

It’s ok. It’s a choice. Maybe you didn’t find the right people to connect with. It happens as irl.
You said that you have big expectations. Here, it may be the problem.
Friends are not perfect, so we aren’t. Could it be that you had any hand on it?

I ask you because when a relationship I have is not working, I also look at myself. To see if there’s something I can do better.

I do not know exactly why the two people ghosted me. I have already explained that they were not emotionally well people who had a lot of problems. I don't believe it is me. I think it's them.

Most of the times, it’s a matter of them. Or even both. Call it chemistry. But, when something it’s generalised is when you have to ask you about yourself.
Believe me, it’s worthy. I can be very difficult in relationships, you can’t guess up to what point. Due to many factors, my insecurities, my own lack of emotional control in which I’m working on currently.

It’s always valuable to have the other’s perspective and be attentive to the patterns.

I can’t believe all your online experiences were a failure. ????

It’s a very interesting topic. For a while I thought LinkedIn was “the cat’s pajamas.” I kept thinking it was a great substitute for in person interaction. Kind of like a “virtual watercooler.”

But then I quickly grew tired of it. Felt compelled to comment on other people’s posts, and get these very empty “high fives” or likes. Then I’d feel inferior because none of my posts got any “love.”

Facebook has become too political. I remember the good old days (maybe about 10 yrs ago), when it was a place where you could share the latest goings on in your life, have light, frivolous conversations with friends, and re-connect with long lost classmates / relatives from eons ago.

Now it’s become a breeding ground for negative comments, and incendiary rhetoric. Also, I never post anything personal because I’m afraid of all the stalkers / miscreants out there, and feel like “Big Brother” is watching.

I’m increasingly finding this site to be a good place to unload, get some food for thought, and perhaps strike up some online friendship to keep the loneliness and isolation at bay.

This is because you see like-minded people here. And this is the main need human being need and feel appealing.

Totally agree. The main thing I like is that it’s anonymous, and it’s not a place where I need to “whitewash” my commentary to try to look more professional. I can be myself, be real, and be vulnerable. I love the feedback I get, and can relate to so many posts here.

I think it’s perfectly fine to have high standards and high expectations but it has to match what kind of people you befriend and get involved with. If they aren’t high standards people or simply are not right for you as friends or more, then expecting something that they cannot deliver isn’t serving any purpose. If you have high standards in people, then you should go for high standards people.

I think you open up and trust people quickly and only see good in them without getting to know them well or not paying attention to details and sadly they turn out to be jerks quite often. You just didn’t see it.

In addition if you frequently befriend or otherwise entangle yourself with people who are unwell, it’s only understandable they will exhibit “unwell” behaviors. I am not saying you shouldn’t befriend struggling people but you should be prepared for them exhibiting troublesome behaviors.

I think becoming more discerning and choosy and becoming less trusting in a way would save you some headache (both online and in person)

This couldn't be more true for myself right now.

To digress a bit, I am finding my way through new and old IRL friendships right now. I just severed two friendships that were not serving me well. I had determined that these two women are not my true friends, so I said goodbye. I am learning through the darkest of times who these true friends really are. And I have NO patience for anyone in my life who cannot be a true friend to me and vice versa.

I've learned through the darkest of times that I can count on just a few of my closest and dearest friends - actually, there's about four of them that I can truly count on, women and men.

I cut off one female who moved out west and who hasn't lifted a finger to be in touch with me since she's gone. Another one barely responds to me, so I cut her out.

And a new-ish woman in my life proved herself to be very fickle, so I won't be pursuing that friendship.

I desire only quality friendships.... sure, I can be surface level friends with many different people, but those are just for fun times and not hard times.

The same will hold true for any new men I meet in my life.

I am done with sub-par friendships and relationships altogether. Perhaps I needed this marriage to help me to finally reach this point in my life.

So, yes, I am in full agreement with you!

SO, as I had just written above, I cut off an online friendship just this week.

I met this woman years ago on another MH forum. She is a moderator there. We became friendly and started Skyping eventually. At first, we talked often and a lot and at first, she was very responsive to me. Then over the years, she became less and less responsive. I tried to stop Skyping with her at one point, but she begged me to stay and she promised to be more responsive. Then, after several more months of her NOT being responsive, I had finally had enough so I told her I am dropping her from Skype.

Her response? "I have a life and my own problems".

So I told her she is not a good friend of mine, that I am having the hardest time in my entire life right now, and that she hasn't been there for me. So I dropped her.

And honestly I feel good about it - no guilt - no remorse. I am taking care of ME and I am watching out for #1. If someone can't be there for me, what's the freaking point of continuing a long distance, online friendship? NONE.

In my teens, I had a good and normal online friend for a few months. This was a time where all I had was a computer (not a movable laptop). My phone didn't have internet. I got a boyfriend and I practically moved in with him. The days passed and while I did write him again, he was understandably hurt and his answer short. I wrote him again, but he never answered.

What I mean to say is that real life can get in the way. I still think of him sometimes, espacially about the beautiful poetry he wrote, and I am very sorry I didn't take the time to write him at the beginning of my realitionship. I do think I would act differently now, for as we get older, we get hurt, and that makes it easier to understand the pain you can inflict on others.

I am very sorry this happened to you.

Thank you for this. I do understand when life gets in the way.

With this one online friend I just spoke about, I had already expressed my hurt to her for her lack of responsiveness and I had wanted to drop her from Skype. She was the one who begged me to stay. She improved for a little while, then slipped right back into not being responsive again. I would see that she had been online and had logged in to Skype, but hadn't replied to my messages. So it was hurtful behavior and I just cannot deal with that kind of person. I don't need that kind of co called "friend" in my life.

Friendships ebb and flow. Some people are meant to stay, and other friendships are not meant to be long-term.

Right now in my life, I want to be very picky and choosey about my friendships. I want only quality friendships in my life at this stage.

I agree, me too. I'm getting to old for fast-and-loose friendships. I would but gently suggest you don't shy away from any risks alltogether, as getting to know/ befriending anyone, online or not, always involves the risk of them leaving.

You're right! There are risks involved. But I now want to be more guarded and careful with my heart and with whom I choose to share details of my life.

I got sort of close to this one woman IRL, and she turned out to be really flaky. So I haven't pursued the friendship. She would text, telling me to call her as soon as I woke up, or she would say things like "love you" and "miss you", and then whenever I would call or reply, she wouldn't pick up the phone or reply back. So I gave up trying after a couple weeks of this.