When a new guy GOES TOO FAR

Of course. Is there a way to accomplish anything without it?

No hard feelings, but I think that's a poor way of thinking. If you know what narcissistic PD is, you can imagine how easy is for me to manipulate and play around people to get what I want. Yet, I'm here, doing the hard work, seeking help, learning. The only goal I have is to have healthy relationships with others, so don't worry about me hurting girls.

Narc is not a devil in a human skin, you know? I was a harmless child when I was very young, just like you. It's not my fault that things went bad and I wasn't ready for it and the disorder was molded soon after, working as a self-defence system.

Okay, let's try:

1) I've managed to deal with things that used to piss me off, so I can remain calm no matter what.

2) I know how to talk to people - I don't seek revenge, I hate to argue, I'm always trying to meet one half way.

3) I honestly don't care about one's flaws, or something one's ashamed off. I just don't care. I can put up with anything, accept anything - though I'm aware it may start to bug me after a while.

4) I don't play dirty anymore. I don't hurt people to win.

5) I'm genuinely interested in what you do and who you are. I think every single person is interesting in one way or the other. I'm curious. I want to discover it.

5) And the obvious one. I will compete with every guy you ever had thus far, BUT only 20% of my reasons are fueled by narcissistc drive, the rest is for the sake of quality. I pay a great deal of attention to the way I behave, look, smell, etc. and it does work I put lots of effort into dates, I even plan sometimes to do everyting I can to make that time unique.

My relationships with friends are very close and they have improved significantly since I started to handle my PD.

I am an old-fashioned, romantic...baby-boomer. I pay attention to manners, and they way they treat others. Swearing is an immediate turn-off for me. Sex should be such an intimate thing......I wouldn't do that, unless in a long-term committed relationship.

It means that you will need to work on any fear of rejection. That you will need to learn how to be ok with being vulnerable. To be brave when you feel vulnerable to work past that instead of deciding to discard when these vulnerabilities surface.

Usually, with a narcissist their biggest fear is that of abandonment and some kind of rejection. So that leads to looking for ways to blame others for any failures in order to protect that very deep insecure part. Typically, the insistence with a narcissist is that of THEIR being the one who is discarding, the failure must belong to someone else, so much so that they engage in a smear campaign so as to protect that hard shell they built up to protect that part of them that is very vulnerable. And because there is no such thing as a perfect person, the narcissist first wants to learn weaknesses "just in case" so they have what they need IF they begin to feel vulnerable.

This is what contributes to love bombing because it's about you getting a feed from being "the best". The problem with narcissists isn't the capture, but in sustaining.

The biggest challenge for a narcissist is their own ego, feeding it and protecting it.

Very accurate, matches my experience

Again spot on , my ex fiancé was able to capture me while he was still married to another woman but unable to sustain the relationship through his divorce which took 6 years to complete , and by that time it was too late to rekindle .

As much as I agree with you usually, you are wrong now. I truly care about quality. There were numerous situations when I did enough and people were happy and grateful or impressed - yet, I pushed it harder untill I got what I wanted. I care about doing my best even if it's more than is required.

People are not the same. Please, do not diagnose me unless you have a full picture of the situation.

Ok, I understand, however my statements are what I have learned about narcissists through reading but also experiencing as well. It's not about you personally. That being said @MisterPaul, what I am pointing out to you is what to pay attention to while you work on understanding this PD and making consious efforts to "change" the typical pitfalls of this PD.

Until I got what "I" wanted?

Now, not a personal attack ok? What about the other person? What if someone else wants to stand out?

Spoiler alert, I don't always have it right, I try but I am ok with not being perfect. I simply decide to learn and try. Sometimes there is an element I miss, and often it's something someone has not shared that can change how I see things.

We go on a date - you and me. We get to know each other. Let's say you're having fun and you're happy with the way it goes down. And then I say something stupid or I tell a poor story - it's fine, it happens. We move on and we're back at where we were - good vibes are in the air. The date ends and it was a good date.

I will go back to these two little moments - when I said something stupid or told a poor story. I'll investigate why I screwed up, I'm going to find a reason and watch out the next time. It's important. Because I know how to tell great stories and I hate talking stupid. You may not even notice my mistake - I don't care. I'll fix it either way. That's not narcissism.

Do we have the understanding now?

@leomama I answered your question on the previous page. Do you care to comment? I'm interested in your opinion.

You didn’t say anything about being stable .

I think you do have something to offer someone , however you didn’t mention anything about your looks, your education or your employment.
Usually girls are looking for a handsome, educated and employed man.
You didn’t mention your living situation. Girls also like a guy who has his own place.
Those are the basics that get you a girlfriend .

I'm kind of disappointed that a few of the responses seemed a bit on the self-righteous side. MisterPaul acknowledges that he has NPD (which is a huge first step), and seems sincere in his desire to form mature, mutually beneficial relationships. While I have bipolar disorder, I know this is a place where I can share without worrying about being labeled harshly...bipolar disorder exists on a spectrum. I'm sure NPD does, too. Throwing stereotypes around, or labeling others based on your own experiences isn't really fair. Someone once said, "Judge not, lest ye be judged." I'm not a Christian, but that sounds about right to me.

One does not need to be handsome to attract a good woman. Attraction is important. But plenty not particularly handsome people attract others. Looks fade. Human qualities don’t .

Good thoughts. Mister Paul has been consistently vulnerable and up front on this forum and deserves respect. Yes most certainly every disorder/condition exists on a spectrum and life in general is rather complicated, not oversimplified black and white.

I was talking about a girlfriend , as in a young woman, I didn’t say a good woman. Generally young women respond well to a guy who looks well. You have to be attractive to a girl for her to want to get to know you.

Not necessarily. I don’t think age matters. I never cared about guys’ looks. I mean he needs to be groomed and clean but looks never matter to me. My daughter is a young woman and she never considered looks as a criteria for a guy at any age. Looks don’t matter to every young girl. Many young girls value other important things instead.

Superficial things are obviously important, I'm a narc lol I skipped them because I thought personality matters most.

I am handsome and shaped up - I get a lot of attention. I'm well educated, but I don't have some kick-*** job yet. it. I'm 25 and I graduated a month ago, so... it's in progress. However, I do have a temporary job - money looks good, I'm just not rich yet - and I have a pretty awesome car and a place to stay I'm renting with one individual I know.

You have a personality disorder so I wasn’t asking about your personality. Also just because others focused on not having looks doesn’t mean that was my point. Some people think it’s superior to only look beyond the surface however when dealing with a personality disorder I was more talking about education, employment, housing. Being handsome is what gets you noticed, having the other things is what gets you a chance with a girl. Please don’t assume that my viewpoint is akin to others who are coming across self righteously. I have no opinion one way or the other in regards to being handsome, I just know it attracts the attention of mainstream, conventional girls. Just go for it.

When you gave me your example and said "if I was dating you" to me, at first I just could not picture that because of our huge age difference, LOL.

First of all, the fact that you are at 25 means your brain is finally developing the prefrontal cortex which is a significant part of the brain in terms of social interactions. This part of the brain affects how one regulates emotions, controls impulsive behavior and assesses risk and making long-term plans. Also, the brain's reward systems doesn't stop growing at age 18 but instead can take more than 25 years to reach maturity.

When you shared your diagnosis, I actually find it questionable considering where your brain maturity level is right now. I also don't recommend sharing that because it's actually too early to say "I am the bad guy" and you are actually going to be doing a lot of learning yet.

The fact that you have taken an interest in working out and developing your body physically is good in more ways than you think. This working out improves your cerebellum part of your brain which is the part of the brain that develops more balance instead of the clumsey lurching typical in younger teens. Personally? I find it hard to hand out a diagnoses when at such a young age and where your brain is at developmentally. That being said, you can learn about the behaviors of said PD and work on learning what not to engage in and why and by that you can improve yourself a great deal.

I know you are younger MisterPaul, so my input is more of steering you away from things that may cause you to unknowingly develop patterns that may not be healthy for you personally. You can embrace anger about those who treated you badly, or you can choose to outgrow them with knowing how that behavior equates true lack of brain development in terms of still being too impulsive and not yet having the brain development to have more respect which is so common in that age group. Truth is, you have much better things now to focus on.

People with personality disorders do have personality, and they can grow, just like you.

I think it's crucial. I never had any problems with girls' attention, but back in a day there was very little I could do with it because I was so anxious and messed up.

You can find a guy who's super handsome, has lots of money, and a big, fancy house, but if he struggles with who he is, you're not going to be happy with him beside you IMO.

When you're getting to know someone, you're getting to know their stupid stories, their lame jokes, their history, their likes and dislikes. I get that you're not looking for an actual relationship, but someday, if you do decide you want an actual relationship, you'll have to be real with that person. That means go on ahead and tell the lame joke if you think it's funny. Maybe she'll think it's funny too. Or you can both laugh about how lame it is. It's those moments that build a relationship.

Also - understand that something you say to one woman that falls flat may not be a 'mistake' - women are individuals. Some of them will think you said something cool and funny while others will think you're a moron and look for the exit.

If your focus is on being perfect, and being the best, and so on, it almost looks like you're using each date as someone to practice on. Which could, theoretically, make you very smooth and good at dating/picking women up/getting them into bed/thrilling them with your awesomeness/moving on.... but understand this: Many women who are picked up by Mr Smooth who is absolutely perfect in every way, who wants to hang out and have a good time, aren't thinking, "Boy I can't wait till this guy dumps me for the next challenge!" They're thinking, "Oh I hope he's serious!"

Have you discussed dating with your therapist? Sorry if that's already been asked. I have known people with NPD and don't think they're evil or anything, I just want to draw your attention to the pain you can inadvertently cause others by practicing on them. Your therapist would probably be better at that than me.

I think you’re missing my point . You assume I never struggled with pd traits or that I was looking for handsome, rich and whatever. I agree with the person that says 25 is young to dx npd. Just do you.

Most people look for authenticity, not perfection. Authenticity allows room for stupid jokes and lame stories and goofy behaviors. Perfection is boring.