[Werewoman]

Don't get me wrong, I adore my husband. We've been together for 30 years.

And then there's the Thing. It always manages to show up when I'm not doing well. Pouring salt on the wound sort of thing is all it's good for.

Something else I hate about the Thing is the way it denigrates me. It tears down my defenses and leaves me feeling naked and helpless.

The Thing is very unpredictable. You never know when it will get thrown at you and you pray it doesn't stick.

The Thing is words. Awful words. Hurtful words. Words to be avoided.

So who is it the Keeper of the Thing? The one who weilds it with great power and fear? My husband.

Example: I recently received a sum of money from Social Security Disability - back payments - which he knew was coming soon and when it did, I bought a truck I've had my eye on for weeks. Beautiful truck! We'll, when I texted him at work about the truck, he got really nasty with me because he said (yet effing again) that I didn't "communicate" with him when I didnt tell him about getting the money and he's all rude and treating me like I've committed a capitol offence.

I know one thing, I don't want the efing truck anymore. It hurts to look at it.

And all I was trying to do is surprise my family. That's all.

Originally Posted by Werewoman

We've been together for 30 years.

It's enough to have some honest conversation, don't you think? Tell him to watch himself because he upsets you. Then talk it through, find some common ground. Easy solutions are the best solutions IMO.

[Open Eyes]

Do you "feel" that in order for you to be happy about something HE needs to approve?

Could it be that he will have to worry about paying the insurance and taxes on this new truck, or is that something you pay for?

[Werewoman]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Do you "feel" that in order for you to be happy about something HE needs to approve?

Could it be that he will have to worry about paying the insurance and taxes on this new truck, or is that something you pay for?

I'm paying for all of it.

I don't feel that I need his approval, but he can make me pretty miserable when he doesn't.

[Open Eyes]

So the Thing is that you need him to care more about what you choose to make you happy? And if he doesn't you can't be happy about what you choose?

[divine1966]

Being nasty to one’s spouse is literally never ok. And one time is one time too many. There is no reason to tolerate nastiness. I am with you on that

Having said that, I wonder if it’s more about communication than giving approval? I don’t need anyone’s approval about anything. But we still communicate to each other when we want to get new cars, simply because I think it’s a good thing to do. Not approval. Although I’d probably tell my husband to check his head if he wanted to buy Lamborghini, other than that extreme we don’t care.

But communicating is kind of important. I mean we don’t tell each other ahead of time if we buy pair of shoes or a new coat. I’d not be communicating that. But a major thing like a car we would chat about. But again everyone’s marriage is different. It depends on how you normally communicate. I personally do not like surprises (beyond like normal gifts type of thing), anything major please no surprises. My husband doesn’t mind surprises. Everyone is different

Would he listen to you about the fact that he can’t be nasty to you?. If he wants more communication, he needs to spell it out politely. “Honey I am happy you got a truck you wanted but you know I get flustered with surprises, could you give me heads up about major things like that?”

Just my thoughts. Everyone’s marriage is different. Every couple has their own communication style. Everyone’s financial situation is different.

[Open Eyes]

Often with a big purchase like a car/truck a husband likes to know the specifics so he can make sure of the value and what can go wrong with said vehicle. That's something my husband would be concerned with especially wanting to make sure it's safe for me to drive. If used my husband prefers to have a mechanic he knows and trusts look it over to make sure it's ok.

I have a feeling it's more than that though and am not sure my statement will help much with the overall Thing that keeps bothering you.

[MickeyCheeky]

So Sorry that you're hurting! i agree with the other wise and wonderful posters in speaking up about it to your Husband since this is clearly bothering you. You have every right to talk about what is making you happy or unhappy. Please do keep posting here if you want. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @Werewoman, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

[Rive.]

When do you say enough?

He has proved, seemingly time and again, that it is high time. The time for 'enough' is well overdue. This is verbal/emotional abuse. Set your boundaries as enough is enough.

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Rive.

When do you say enough?

He has proved, seemingly time and again, that it is high time. The time for 'enough' is well overdue. This is verbal/emotional abuse. Set your boundaries as enough is enough.

Thank you @rive for saying this and I am in full agreement. This is abuse no doubt.

[divine1966]

Some men (and women) still operate under the notion that men are wise and savvy and know all ins and outs while women are clueless and gullible and need men to guide them through life and make decisions for them. Yeah in 1800s that was the case.. So very outdated.

In addition some people think it’s ok to speak rudely to their spouse, they’d not speak like this to their boss because they’d likely be fired. But she’ll take it so it’s ok to be rude to her. So not right.

Now even though i personally think it’s important to communicate re major purchase regardless of gender, I don’t think anyone needs to tolerate bad treatment. Same message could be delivered in a much more respectful way.

[Open Eyes]

I am focusing on the fact that you have been married to your husband for 30 years and love him a bunch/adore him. I am not one to encourage discard. I would rather consider working on the Thing and how to reduce it. No man is perfect and not all imperfections equate to abuse.

[RoxanneToto]

How long has he been talking to you like this, though? Do you think he would be willing to change the way he talks to you (I.e. not be nasty)? No man is perfect, true, but how you talk to someone else is almost always your choice... especially when responding to a text or email, where you have more time to think over your choice of words. What if he doesn’t want to change? Is the relationship acceptable to you as it stands?

[Have Hope]

I don't get how nastiness and love can co-exist.... not at all. To me, that is not love - it's hurtful, it's disrespectful, he kicks her constantly when she's down. That is not healthy love... it's a toxic love.

[TunedOut]

I have been married more than 33 years and appreciate that my husband has been loyal and caring but he also sometimes "blows up" and says VERY hurtful words. I now realize that some of it is anxiety. However, some of it was that I didn't have good boundaries--I had a tendency to become too enmeshed in relationships (it wasn't just my husband) which made it hard to see when I need to put my foot down, stand up for myself, etc. I am a lot less enmeshed now--though I do have occasional flare-ups. This video explains really well what I mean about enmeshment:

[divine1966]

Werewoman I hope you are or will be able to speak to him about his rude ways of communicating his needs (nasty as you called it). Is he willing to take a look at his own behavior and make changes or he is not an introspective type? Is he communicating in this manner about other topics too? Of just particular one (lack of communication and major purchases)? In addition how does he speak to other people?

[Have Hope]

My guess is she's already tried to communicate this in a marriage of 30 years. I am sure he knows full well her pain and hurt from his disrespect and nastiness. My most educated guess. If he hasn't changed by now, he won't be changing at all.

[KG58]

I don't think this is about the truck. I think this might be about control. It sounds like they are saying "You do what I say you can do or want you to do or I'll make you miserable."

Sorry. Speaking from my experience.

[TishaBuv]

You expressed your feeling about not wanting the truck anymore, after he yelled at you about buying it. I can relate to this feeling, if I am understanding you correctly. Are you addressing how his turning the truck purchase into a struggle made you lose your feelings of joy about it? Has he done this to you about other things, too?

Was it far out of character for you to buy the truck without discussing it with him? His reaction depends on how your relationship is normally functioning. There are no right/wrong ways here, only how people decide to be in their communication.

Personally, I would buy shoes without discussing...but not expensive ones without discussing, lol. A vehicle purchase without discussion is unimaginable for me.

I agree, the nasty, hurtful treatment between people who supposedly love each other is not okay. It’s good to say ‘enough’, don’t engage, walk away, try to stop it from happening with better communication.

[Open Eyes]

Often "the Thing" turns out to be when one does something that empowers them and gives them a sense of accomplishment for self and someone else devalues it or behaves in a way that turns it into something negative. This tends to be something that triggers ptsd symptoms when someone struggles with ptsd. And if it's cptsd, it can go way back for someone to something that person experienced in their childhood growing up.

The fact that you don't even want the truck now tells me that it's not so much the truck but that you were so happy when you got it and someone else ruined that for you. So, it's the feeling of that itself that you want no part of.

Does that describe the "Thing"?

[Marie123]

The "thing" is called verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse. It took all of my courage. One sentence helped me. "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself. win." Verbal abuse also affects your immune system....every time you hear it, cortisol is released, and cortisol affects you physically....damages the immune system. Verbal abusers are angry people, and haven't resolved whatever issues they have, and take their anger out on others. They will rarely admit to their abuse. Abusers are emotional vampires....they want and need.....you to continually explain, respond to what they say.

[TunedOut]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

You expressed your feeling about not wanting the truck anymore, after he yelled at you about buying it. I can relate to this feeling, if I am understanding you correctly. Are you addressing how his turning the truck purchase into a struggle made you lose your feelings of joy about it? Has he done this to you about other things, too?

Was it far out of character for you to buy the truck without discussing it with him? His reaction depends on how your relationship is normally functioning. There are no right/wrong ways here, only how people decide to be in their communication.

Personally, I would buy shoes without discussing...but not expensive ones without discussing, lol. A vehicle purchase without discussion is unimaginable for me.

I agree, the nasty, hurtful treatment between people who supposedly love each other is not okay. It’s good to say ‘enough’, don’t engage, walk away, try to stop it from happening with better communication.

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Often "the Thing" turns out to be when one does something that empowers them and gives them a sense of accomplishment for self and someone else devalues it or behaves in a way that turns it into something negative. This tends to be something that triggers ptsd symptoms when someone struggles with ptsd. And if it's cptsd, it can go way back for someone to something that person experienced in their childhood growing up.

The fact that you don't even want the truck now tells me that it's not so much the truck but that you were so happy when you got it and someone else ruined that for you. So, it's the feeling of that itself that you want no part of.

Does that describe the "Thing"?

I routinely make $100 purchases on anything I want and make $200 purchases too (knowing on some things--like groceries and a few other things, it is OK); however, my husband would not be happy with me making purchases over that amount (the exception right now is hotel rooms for our son--we have agreed that this is OK, so long as he is working) without consulting me. And he would not make a large purchase without consulting me. Not that I think that all marriages should have this rule. If your husband makes purchases this large without consulting you then perhaps what you did was within the framework of the expectations you have in your marriage. I think the real issue is why you feel so bad about what happened and how to use that information to improve either yourself or your marriage. When we feel really bad, we need to listen to what our emotions are saying. Also, IMO, if we have PTSD, sometimes our emotions get exaggerated and we have to weigh where they are coming from....

[divine1966]

Werewoman how are you? Are you doing ok?

[Have Hope]

Originally Posted by Marie123

The "thing" is called verbal abuse. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse. It took all of my courage. One sentence helped me. "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself. win." Verbal abuse also affects your immune system....every time you hear it, cortisol is released, and cortisol affects you physically....damages the immune system. Verbal abusers are angry people, and haven't resolved whatever issues they have, and take their anger out on others. They will rarely admit to their abuse. Abusers are emotional vampires....they want and need.....you to continually explain, respond to what they say.

Thank you for saying this @Marie123. And I agree with you that it's abuse. As you know, I have been in multiple abusive relationships, and I have learned to distinctly identify what is abusive and what is not abusive. And this, as described, sounds like abuse to me. A healthy/non-abusive person does not kick someone when they're already down, and repeatedly. That is cruelty, and is not love. And a non-abusive person does not rain on their partner's parade in a controlling manner about buying a truck that brings great joy to their partner. It should be the opposite. A healthy partner would support anything that brings their love, their partner, joy and happiness. This man was the opposite - he was very controlling about it, and made her feel guilty and bad about it to the point where all joy about the purchase was squashed. And that is exactly what abusers deliberately set out to achieve: to squash their partner's joy and happiness, and also their self esteem, and self worth - kicking someone repeatedly when they're already down is abusive. It is not kind, it is cruel.

So while some members may downplay or deny that this is abuse, respectfully, I disagree and I also support that this is definitively abusive behavior. And abusers do not change simply by communicating with them about the disrespect and harm they inflict - quite the opposite. The more one tells the abuser how much it hurts, the more the abuser targets their partner's vulnerabilities. It simply arms them to continue abusing in the ways that they know will harm their partner the most. They will exploit their partner's vulnerable spots.

Abusers need intensive and long term individual therapy before change can even occur. Even then, abusers typically won't change unless they take full and complete ownership of their abuse.

[divine1966]

In the light of werewomans marital history with her husband and his rudeness in the current incident it’s fair to say this marriage has history of abuse

But with just this incident I’d say many happily married people in a stable good marriage would have a problem with spouses buying a vehicle without a discussion or heads up. I don’t know any good marriage where such thing takes place. It’s not an unanimous decision. With boyfriend and girlfriend sure. Legal spouses, not so much.

But taking in consideration husband’s past abusive behaviors this isn’t really about this truck

Werewolf I hope you are safe and the issue with this is resolved. Let us know if you need anything