How to Overcome Different Values

My husband and I have somewhat different values that can cause some friction between us, and I am wondering how to deal with it.

For instance, we did sanding in our bedroom and the dust gets everywhere. It got into the inside of a light switch, which broke the switch. He wants to buy a new light switch, then "return it" by putting the old one in the box, so essentially we get a new one for free.

I tried very hard to suspend judgment and listen to his point of view. He feels that he has been screwed over by companies in the past that make defective products, that it's not fair he should have to spend money for a replacement, it won't really harm the company since it's just one light switch, he doesn't even know I'd it's the fault of the dust (I think this is a justification-- it seems to have had a very obvious cause and effect), etc. He admits the ethical thing to do is not to return it, yet he still wants to. I think it sucks it broke, but it's not the company's fault and we could have protected the light switch better to prevent this. To me it's not fair for the company to shoulder the burden.

My husband thinks I have the moral highground with just about any issue and in general feels very afraid of judgment from me. I do admittedly struggle with accepting this part of him, as being kind and doing the right thing is at the top of my list of values. Plus one day when we have kids, I worry about how we will raise them.

Just to give you a balanced perspective, he is a good person and kind to others. But some of these issues that come up are difficult to work through.

How can I fully respect/not judge him when I feel like he's willing to do the wrong thing for selfish gain sometimes? Admittedly I am not perfect, so maybe reminding myself he's an imperfect human being and working to understand more and more how he became this way? If you feel I am being unreasonable, by all means feel free to knock me down a few pegs. I want to know your genuine opinion and how I can address this in my relationship. Can I ask him "hard" questions to help him grow (though that he may find painful for fear of my judgment)?

So Sorry that things are being difficult. How serious do you think this friction is? i think it is normal to have disagreements over things, the important part i'd say is to learn to accept them. i think it is fair of you to make your voice heard if something is wrong. Perhaps you can try to ask your Husband what exactly makes him feel judged about what you're saying. Is it his own guilt or something else? i think that may be something worth discussing. Perhaps couple counseling may be Helpful in addressing this if you feel like this may prove necessary. i think simply being Honest and reminding him that you Love him even in spite of his flaws if that is true may be good but of course that is just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt. Sending many Safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @purplemystery, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK?!

What your husband wants to do is stealing. He might feel he was screwed over by companies in the past, but this company did not screw him over the light switch. By his thinking it would be okay for me to be mean to other people because I was bullied as a kid.

The last line of your post jumped out at me. It's not up to you to ask him "hard" questions to help him grow. It's not your job to direct how he grows, period. That's not to say you have to agree with him all the time, just let him make his own decisions about his life.

So... he wants you to think of him as being the smaller, weaker person who has to cheat to get what he feels he deserves, every time you enter your bedroom??

This guy sure knows how to turn on the romance!

Sorry for the sarcasm. I am just so angry at your h for tainting this for you. He is telling you who he is. He is telling you he does not care about your feelings. I would get the heck away.

The Buddhists say, "How you do anything is how you do everything." So there is nobody he wouldnt cheat or shortchange. How he is kind to anybody, i cant begin to imagine.

I’m sorry you are married to him. Divorce is hard. He is a dishonest person. As the previous poster said how you do anything is how you do everything . Is dishonesty a deal breaker for you? Did you know he was dishonest before you married him? Rather then asking him hard questions why not ask yourself hard questions. Why did you marry someone with values different then your own?

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Curious to know other examples that lead him feeling judged by you. Is it all around honesty?

It sounds like you were getting somewhere with the conversation you were having with him where he agreed that returning the used light switch was not ethical. Can you dig deeper into why he still wants to do it even though he knows it is wrong? Why does he think you shouldn't judge him for stealing? Why is it up to you to accept the bad behavior and change your way of thinking when he could just as easily change his behavior to resolve the judging issue? If he is willing to have conversations, I would keep asking the hard questions.

What if your light switch is broken because the one that was installed was a defective return someone unwittingly purchased?

If he is willing to lie about this (light switch), what else is he willing to lie about? He likely lies or will lie about other things in life. Likely bigger things than a light switch.

So this situation is a symptom of overall problems with his morals and ethics. He has problems with your moral high ground? He should’ve married another liar then.

Asking “hard” questions in order to help someone to grow in the most basic things like not stealing and not lying is very appropriate with minor children. Hopefully you marry an adult who already knows not to steal.

I personally don’t want to be married to someone I have to teach not to lie.

What worries do you have about raising kids with him?

The fact he thinks you’re “judgemental” because you prefer being honest (“have the moral high ground”) is a red flag to me. If being with an adult who lies like this isn’t acceptable to you, the sensible thing to do is split up, rather than try to train him to be more honest. It may seem minor on the surface, but lying can get really insidious.
I certainly wouldn’t want to raise children with someone I found myself arguing about my fundamental values on a regular basis.